Popped.

Lets see if I can write this without a lot of negativity.  The pattern after a binge is to be full of remorse and confessions and promises of redemption.  I just don’t want to fall into that anymore.  If ever I am going to learn how to change, I must face the challenges with kind understanding, not reproach.  I built several good days together eating-wise, but it popped.  I think of it as like those childhood toys:

pop beads

Pop Beads

 

Each day I add another bead until I pop one off and then I have to start all over again to build them up.  Maybe I could find a way to add the days together in a visual form?

 

I am still battling the leftovers of a cold, hesitatingly suspecting it may be close to becoming pneumonia.  I am hesitant, because the symptoms are intertwined with two binges.  Consumptions of wheat and sugar make me feel tired, the excess food makes me feel ill and it could be the fullness of my stomach is pressing on my lungs or something equally gruesome.  lol.  Both Monday and Tuesday I skipped lunch and binged instead:

 

Monday: 3 trays of mini sponge cake rolls (about 10-12 in a tray and the size of my thumb), 3 plain buns with butter and cheese, 4-5 teacakes (marshmallow on a biscuit and covered in chocolate).  They were terrible and it took eating several before I was sure of it and I threw the remaining dozen out. (I came very close to skipping this binge, there was a strong pull to not even start it, but I overrode my own protests). 

Tuesday: 1 single packet of crisps, 2 plain buns with butter and cheese, 1 plain bun with chicken paste and curry sauce, 1 package of jam dodgers. (Once the crap is in the body, a new craving sets in and takes on a life of it’s own, I simply did this one without giving it much thought).

 

On both days I ate my usual low carb breakfast and dinner in my porringer.  On both days, my stomach felt painfully full and from the point of finishing eating until bedtime, I was miserable, exhausted, could hardly breathe and depressed in mood.  I did not take my blood sugar readings, I did not want to know.  Usually I spike to nearly 200 on these occasions and hold a high reading of about 180 for the rest of the day…I do not drop to normal in 3 hours as I should.  My digestion is notoriously slow.  I felt like a blimp that was made of stone.  Huge and heavy.

 

Now, this is not meant as a disclaimer, but my bingeing is getting smaller over the years and I am frankly shocked at how these amounts (while still most definitely a binge in every sense of the word) cannot be compared to my past debaucheries.  I could barely get these amounts down and this would have only been the tip of the iceberg only 5 years ago.   I think as this recognition continues, these binges may eventfully fizzle out on their own.  I can’t stand the stomach pain and distress.  It was just Sunday that I clung so joyously to feeling well and empty inside without hunger.  This is where my cold-illness may be taking part.  I really felt that exhaustion-shallow breathing-not-enough-air thing going on.  Husband was getting worried last night, but I didn’t want to admit that I had binged and that it may just be about being too full.  I admit in a round about way of my eating urges and we discuss at length how difficult it all is (for him too) but to say out loud that I binged today is much too shameful to me. 

 

Today, the process begins on getting back to what feels good.  My pattern here is to take a few days to cover my vulnerable binge period (mid-morning) with a pot of tea and cheddar with a thick layer of butter and eat them like buns with butter and cheese.   After while, I will be able to drop this as I did the last time.  I try not to berate, not to regret and go through what might be a trigger.  Instead, I try and keep my head clear of negative thoughts, keep myself busy with knitting and let the day pass as a good one and build onto it with another good day.

2012-10-31 009 It really helps.  I will have to shop today for groceries, so hopefully this will keep me satisfied and not cave in to another bout of bingeing. 

I Am Feeling Better by the Day

It’s been an amazing couple of days.  I have continued to eat exclusively from my porringer and everything felt easy and hunger was quite mild.  Each day, I am feeling better both from a consistent amount of food eaten and from the cold abating.

 

Saturday night, husband brought home a marzipan block for me as a treat.  I have yet to effectively deal with this occasional situation that he brings to me.  I will write more about that at another time.  I ate the whole block at a cost of 918 calories and 95g carbs which was completely unnecessary. I found myself needing to know the cost and then I sat with those numbers in my head, which only caused stress and an emotional reaction.  I had to stop and think in different terms.  It matters not about the calories or carbs as much as it matters that it was effectively the 4th bowl of food for the day. I am still trying to change my thought patterns about not thinking about numbers as a reason to eat or not eat something. I shouldn’t have eaten it because it was the 4th bowl, not because of the numbers.   Simple.

 

2012-10-27 004 This has been my lunch for two days, duck liver pate, a boiled egg with herring roe and today I added a few cubes of cheddar. 

 

2012-10-28 001 Dinner tonight was a bed of sautéed savoy cabbage, cumberlands and roasted carrot ( I added butter later).  It was really quite good.

 

I did get on the scale yesterday, not that I wanted to, I was dismayed to see the weight gain, although I cannot say I wasn’t expecting it.  At least I have a point of which to gauge in the months to come if this method is working for me ( I did take a photo but won’t post it until I feel a weight loss in other terms than the scale.    I need to set that whole issue aside for now, otherwise my binge monster will use it against me, lol.

 

This is the end of the weekend, which is much easier for me eating-wise than the weekdays.  Tomorrow will be a challenge, as I nearly always binge on Mondays.  I will need to go to the shops for eggs and meat, so that doubles up the chances for a binge.  Right now, I feel strong and determined not to.  I remind myself that I like how I feel right now, in this moment, content, not hungry and not full.  This is the sweet spot, the way I like to feel.  My head is not swarming with numbers, I am not fighting a diet dilemma and I am at ease emotionally.  A binge would disrupt that easy flow.

Moving Through It

Sometimes the simplest thing can end up being a grand success!  Two days in a row (if two can make a row), I have eaten three porringers of food and nothing in be-tween.  That is absolutely marvellous and I am giddy with the new found ability to make what I really want to work…work!

2012-10-25 014

I wasn’t sure I was up to it, I truly expected failure.  I guess something in me just wanted to get it started.  I really like how manageable it has turned out to be.  I notice an immediate improvement of my mood.  That may also be due to feeling better, the cold is still lingering, but the sick feeling is gone.  Mornings are still difficult, but while I did start to prepare sliced cheese, I wrapped it back up and put it in the fridge.  I told myself, just to stop it.  I waited until lunch time.  Today was a little harder than yesterday, but I managed it and felt happy that I did.

Yesterday’s foods were the same as today, except dinner was savoy cabbage and cumberlands and no evening coffee.

Today:

Breakfast- 2 eggs, 2 rashers, beef drippings, 3 coffee with whole milk

Lunch- 2 bockwurst, 2 eggs, butter,  pot of tea

Dinner- pork cutlets, roasted cauliflower, carrots, 2T sauce, butter, 1 glass of wine

After dinner coffee – 2 with whole milk

Not Making it Work Yet

2012-10-24 004 Liver pate, mustard and mayonnaise.

This was a midmorning tea nibble.  I don’t want to have midmorning tea nibbles.   Of course this means I cannot claim a 3 bowl day yesterday.  I also ate outside my bowl.  Not any of this is going in the direction I intend, and I have been writing about it in my personal diary but there is nothing enlightening about it to share here.  Last evening I could not finish my dinner and I am guessing my residual cold is still mucking about my eating decisions.  I am not hungry most of the time, but I am still seeking comfort in eating.  Sometimes it almost works, sometimes it does not.

Again today, I will attempt to stick to the three bowls and find other things to do to fill in the long hours that pass too quickly.

Yesterday:

Breakfast- 2 eggs, 2 rashers, 2 coffee with whole milk (porringer)

Midmorning tea- liver pate, mustard, mayonnaise, pot of tea (porringer)

Midmorning binge- 6 small fish cakes, stuffing side, Horlicks drink (plate)

Dinner- 4-5 bites coq a vin (could not eat much) glass of wine. (porringer)

No after dinner coffee, had a glass of water

Pewter Tea Cup

2012-10-17 013

My latest purchase of pure delight, an antique pewter cup and saucer.  It has a fabulous spot for an engraving.  I will have to see if there is any local place that does engraving.  I want my porringer engraved too.

Yesterday, I tried to binge but it was almost as though I did not have it in me.  I bought a package of biscuits and one of caramel bars and 3 buns.  I had the buns with butter and cheese and a nice hot pot of tea.  The caramel bars which have been my favourite now taste off somehow, like they lack the lustre they once had.  The same with the biscuits, the last time I had them I marvelled over how lovely they were, now they simply tasted sweet and cloying.  I am so glad at this point in my binge career that the UK packages are tiny compared to American super sized everything.  Still, I could not finish the biscuits, I gave up and felt horribly stuffed the rest of the day, making dinner once again a painful ordeal and all I end up longing for is to go to bed to stretch out.  What I am noting, is the ability to eat a lot at one time is getting less.  While that’s ultimately the best thing to happen, I am secretly fearing a digestive malady that may be taking root.  Not keen on that.

Of right now, I am in the ugh stage, where overeating sounds nauseating to me.  However, to break that pattern, it’s best I don;t play out the next act, which is claiming I will never do THAT again with fake resolute tones.  Noble, but it’s the same old empty promises I never keep anyways. 

Patterns do change though.  It’s all circumstantial.  A thousand years ago (before marriage) I would load up goodies for the weekend as a purely indulgent debauchery all for me.  No one could intrude on that little world.  Now, it is Mondays.  I know  I am  trying to create my own little world again, but it lacks conviction these days.  Bingeing is a suppression technique, a smarmy concoction of self punishment and creative retaliation mixed with a proper dose of rebellion.  I am growing bored with it.  I have spent 30 years eating because I felt resentment, now I feel resentment over eating.

Enough of that prattle, what I really want to delve into is the idea that today, I need to be able to get from early breakfast (5am) to lunch time (maybe 11am) without eating.  I want to do this, even though I know I will find myself becoming a drama queen, nearly passing out from hunger and the want of a biscuit with my tea.  I’ve developed the dreadful habit of watching East Enders, Coronation Street and Emmerdale with a pot of tea and nibbles.  I broke the habit of eating popcorn in theatre’s, I can break this tea time debauchery too!

Yesterday I ate 2 porringers and one binge.

B- 2 eggs, 2 rashers, 2 cups of coffee with double cream

Binge- 1 package caramel squares, 1/2 package of jam biscuits, 3 buns with butter and cheese, 3 pots of tea

D- 2 cumberlands, sweetheart cabbage, roasted carrot, butter, 1 glass of wine.

after dinner coffee – 2 cups with double cream

My Porringer

2012-10-15 Bowl vs plate 011

It’s a lovely porringer.  It was made in France and is well made, heavy and to have a lid is simply marvellous.

It holds 350mls (12 fluid oz. or 1 1/2 cups) of liquid.  Volume wise, I imagine a typical American fast food hamburger would fit with the lid on, or even a large bagel.

In my personal view, I think it holds just enough food to be eaten in one meal.   Today, it is very difficult to comprehend how much food to eat.  We can choose to use food packaging labels, which decide based on the nutritional impact they wish to hide.  Or we can let a restaurant decide for us depending on the profit margin they want to attain.  We can let doctors tell us out-dated diet information, or trust a current diet guru’s latest gimmicky method of eating or even try the scientific numerology concoctions to tell us in the ‘enth degree how many calories, protein, fats and carbohydrates to consume and in what ever-changing ratios are correct.  I shake my head when I realize how deeply imbedded I was in all the nonsense I was for most of my adult life.  I think, what did people do before they had all of this excess information?

I think of my thin grandmother who loved to eat and cook.  She ate all of the foods she loved, she simply didn’t eat a lot of it.  She did not eat with her fingers, out of packages, nor did she eat while standing or walking down a street.  She prepared a meal, put it on a plate, sat down and enjoyed it.  She ate, as they use to say, “like a bird”.  She ate small amounts of food at a time.  The simplicity astounds me.  While I weighed and looked up nutritional information, wrote down every bite, chose food with correct numbers, ate in front of a computer or at my work desk, even in bed at times…..I always ate with an intent other than nourishment.  I binge ate to stuff down emotions, I ate restrictively to lose weight.  I was always on a diet, always fighting my body and my mind in my quest to change what I felt was terribly wrong with how and what I ate.  I continually wondered was it the food or was it me that was the cause of the insanity I was living in.

I am middle-aged.  I am most likely damaged in both body and mind from all the things I have done and believed in when it comes to eating.  None of it was satisfying for long and few had the results I wanted.  At this point, all I want is peace of mind, a simple guide to follow, something that takes away all the rules, has nothing to do with the latest research study’s findings nor causes me to focus on anything other than what is currently in my bowl and did it taste good and did I feel good until the next meal.  That’s how simple I want it to be. 

And So it Begins

2012-10-15 Bowl vs plate 005

That is the plate I was eating from.  It was a 9 inch plate, a traditional size, unlike the super size dinner plate found today.  It was actually a ceramic tart plate, but I used it as a plate simply because we had moved to Scotland and did not bring our dishes.  I liked that it had blackberries on it, as I had found some wild blackberries last summer and it reminded me of that joyful moment of popping unexpected sweet berries in my mouth.  Quite a size difference to the porringer!

I have switched to eating all of my meals from a pewter porringer.  There are many reasons for this, some are born out of necessity, some from need and most from an experimental urge to change how and what I eat.  In this blog, I will be exploring every possible idea I can come up with about what it means to me to eat from a porringer.

I start with only one rule to follow,  which is to eat all of my meals from this one container.  No other plate, bowls, or packaging are included in the adventure.  Whatever foods I choose to eat must be placed in the porringer, including finger foods.  The food must be able to fit in the porringer with the lid on, the lid must rest on the bowl completely.  That means the volume of the food must fit.  As I am obese, this is partly a way of finding a simple portion control method.  There is far more though behind it and I will be writing about it daily.