Forgot the Bread

I just realized that I completely missed mentioning that on TOP of all that was going on yesterday, I also baked 3 loves of dense rye bread for husband’s Christmas party.  That meant I was dealing with packing up the treats while smelling baking bread!

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Theses are the breads, I am baking two more today.

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These are covered in a towel to keep dry in the refrigerator.

Since I am taking photo’s, this is it for what I generally keep stocked:

016 Normally the veggies would be in the drawer.  Yogurt, rashers in the plastic container, salami, pate in the dark container, the tin is empty it usually has apples in it.  The Guinness is not usually there, but we share one now and then.  When I think of the huge double door fridge we had when we owned a home and look at this mini one we have now, I smile.  This size thing is mind bending.  My husband can’t get over how small my porringer is to eat from.  The smaller the sizes, portions and so on that I get used to, everything else seems so massive.

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This was a meal from a day or two ago.  Cumberlands with chopped cauliflower, grated carrot and brown gravy. 

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Often, at lunchtime, I eat with a tiny spoon or pickle fork.  It’s just to slow me down when eating and it really does help make me more aware of how the food tastes when not cramming it in my mouth in a hurry.  When eating alone it is harder for me to pace myself.  I used chopsticks a lot too, but there is something more nurturing about a spoon.  I am on the hunt for the perfect spoon, not this small, but not as big as the one I have now that I love the weight and shape of, but it is too big to comfortably fit in my mouth, with the depth of the spoon bowl.

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One Binge for November, What a FABULOUS Thing!

Yesterday’s meals:
Porringer 1- 2 eggs, 2 rashers
Porringer 2- mixed nuts
Porringer 3- few slices of German salami
Porringer 4- 3 cumberlands, cabbage, turnip, carrot, onion

Yesterday’s drinks:
3 pots of tea
1 glass of wine
1/2 pint Guinness
4 cups of coffee with 2 tsp. double cream in each

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Cooking the cabbage, turnip, carrot, onion mixture.  You can see my porringer warming up in the back area.

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The cumberlands before they are browned.

November has been a terribly challenging month for me.  A birthday month, a transitional month and a dedication to getting my eating stabilized away from bingeing.  I had only 1 binge in November, on my birthday.  Granted, there were a few situations that helped me not binge; husband was home for a week early in the month and I did not have to deal with Thanksgiving (or Halloween for that matter, which candy leftovers use to stray into November).  It’s been a challenge to get the binge beast asleep, but at least I can claim he is officially slumbering because of what happened yesterday.

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It was the day I needed to shop for the treats I was sending to my family for Christmas, a taste of Scotland.  This meant purposely confronting the teacakes and biscuits head on, mulling over them, handling them, taking them home and worrying about having leftovers that won’t fit into the box.  Here was stage for the potential binge, with all kinds of predictable ED thinking about to use the mega horn.
Before I left, I carefully studied the two boxes I had to send the treats in to get a feel for how much they could hold.  I made a list of the types of goodies to go in each box, more child oriented stuff for the grandchildren, more cooking related stuff for my parents.  That gave me something to hold and look at while in the store, reminding me there was a purpose and this was not a free-for-all binge quest.  Off I went and found myself going about it just fine.  I saw a small packet of mixed nuts on sale, so I bought that as a low carb treat just in case ED decided to speak up.  Amazingly, he did not.  Not one sound was uttered!  I was really surprized by this.

When I got home, I heated the nuts in the oven and the amount filled my porringer about 3/4 full.  I put on some Christmas music, busied myself with wrapping the packages and snacked on the nuts.  I was disappointed in them, they were stale and tasteless.  I ate about half and poured the rest back into the bag (which husband relished when he got home).  He kept telling me that he thought they tasted good and then it hit me, my appetite is dropping so fast now that nothing tastes as good as it did before ketosis hit.  Now that I think back on it, at the beginning of the week, I noticed that the dinners had a distinct nutmeg flavour which was odd.  I didn’t like it.  I think this was the changeover point, from burning carbs for fuel to burning fat. 
I felt sort of nauseated the rest of the day from the nuts and I wondered why I had craved them so since leaving America.  They no longer appeal to me as a meal, perhaps a few at a time, but I remember when I could not stop eating them before this. 

Later in the day, I had a few slices of paper thin sliced salami which was just to settle the queasiness of the nuts in my stomach.  It was really odd to me that all these biscuits in my hands and in my face did not stir up ED at all. 

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Everything is now boxed, addressed and ready to go to the post office this morning.  Tomorrow, husband has his work Christmas party and will be gone for the afternoon.  I had bought a bottle of port (which I stashed away) for my own little Christmas party and also bought a bag previously of monkey nuts to roast in the oven.  But now it does not appeal to me at all.  I don’t want an excess of anything. 

What is really weird, is that I can say that and still not comprehend it.  Not want an excess?  How can this be?  Here’s my chance to binge, sight unseen, in the glory of privacy and under the disguise of a deserved pity party.  Husband will be having fun, I want to have fun too!  But as I am writing this, it feels all so hollow and untrue.  I want to feel good, not stuffed and tipsy.  I want to feel sharp and clear, not tired and dull from drink.  As soon as I can wrap my head around the switch being flipped into the off position, I am sure I will gladly embrace the change.  Ketosis, I love you!

Amulets of Protection

Ketosis=wellbeing.

It takes longer to get into ketosis.  It use to take about 4 days, now about 2 weeks.  True body-adaptive ketosis takes about 2-6 weeks. 

Ketosis has many benefits to me.  It evens out my mood swings.  It is effectively like being on Prozac.  Sometimes it even feels like zombiehood, I am not as emotionally reactive.  My appetite plummets, I begin to eat less naturally without thinking about it.  My hard round stomach begins to deflate, my ankles and hands take on more definition as the fluid begins to leave my body.  More importantly, my blood sugar hits and stays in the normal range, from the 200’s to the 80’s and 90’s.  The binge beast within starts to slumber.  What is not to relish about being in ketosis?  It feels like wellbeing to me!  I feel protected by the amulet of ketosis.  But there is the danger, feeling protected allows the enemy to slip through the crack of vulnerability.

Last night, I watched a vlog of an obese man who has just lost 29 pounds in 12 weeks on a low carb diet and is so thrilled, his whole being lit up describing how well he felt being in ketosis.  I smiled too, knowing how truly is the best thing to ever happen to an obese person struggling with appetite and hunger.  Eating unrefined fats, meats and green veggies can do miracles.  Then, in one stroke, one unguarded moment, ED slipped right in.  The man said that he loves eating low carb and enjoys the foods, but he’ll probably have a LITTLE cheat during Christmas because, as ED pointed out, it IS a holiday after all and this IS the real world.  My heart sank when I heard the words.  OMG.  ED talking through this man.  He did not hear it, but I did. 

One little cheat couldn’t hurt, right?  How many MILLIONS of times have I heard that before and believed it?  How many millions of times have I fallen into that trap?  I would not be obese today, had I just once and for all time stayed on my low carb diet.  The diet that I truly love the foods I can eat, feel satisfied and more importantly, can hear my body sing in happiness!  It’s absolute madness to leave ketosis and this diet. 

Yet, even with knowing that madness, remembering my own history with bingeing and dieting, even with all the scientific evidence, even with all the wealth of information on the health aspects, my own ED voice continues.  Today, I have to get whatever Scottish treats I can fit into the Christmas boxes I am sending to my parents and to my daughter and grandchildren.  As I tried to sort out what to buy, who would like what, I imagined the tastes and thought about the potential extra’s that would not fit in the boxes and that they would start to entice me into eating them.  The one thing ketosis does not do is stop ED’s voice.  Ketosis does lower the voice, but does not drown it out altogether.  As I wondered yesterday if I should bake husband’s favourite ginger biscuits, as I thought about what to serve for Christmas dinner, ED gathered strength.  This is HIS territory, he’s prepared to battle me to hold his ground.  Gee, and didn’t it cross my mind while preparing the grocery list that I miss salty oat porridge?  It’s so cheap!  I could have it for lunch and save money!

That vlog helped me realise that I am not in a protected zone at all.  Ketosis is health and wellbeing, it cannot protect me from the binge beast.  I never thought about it in quite this way before.  Perhaps because I never comprehended that I had an eating disorder.  As the SOS group reminds me every day, DON’T, NO MATTER WHAT.  That is the only thing that works.  I need to stop thinking there is an amulet to rely on.

I am heading in the right direction, but I am still learning.

Yesterday’s meals:
Porringer 1- 2 eggs, 2 rashers
Porringer 2- plain full fat yogurt
Porringer 3- 2 1/2 cumberland sausages, grated carrot, cauliflower, 2T brown gravy
Porringer 4- kebab meat, broccoli, brussel sprouts, onion, butter

Yesterday’s drinks:
3 pots of tea
1 glass of wine
4 cups of coffee with 2 tsp. double cream in each

Microbial

Still have the little rain cloud above my head.  Lots of minor and petty annoyances cluttering up my tiny world.  Isolation has a way of making a person’s world so small that every detail is magnified.  Writing in this blog magnifies my eating under a microscope. 

I noticed that I could not be bothered with the supposed success of averting yet another binge yesterday.  I tried thinking of it before I went to sleep, hoping for the little glow of having made it give me a smile, but it would not stick in my mind, I was not interested.  I wonder why?  I tried to get in tune with the body as I laid there, I felt fine, no hunger, no fullness, no interest or thoughts about food, eating, struggles with binge thoughts….nothing.  Is this what normal people feel?  No attachments to eating food?  I am not sure what I am trying to put under a microscope anymore.  I guess as long as I hear ED’s voice, I need to stay aware.

I dreamed that one of my childhood dolls was undergoing a face change.  I had to place her in a basket and someone was picking her up during the night and somehow updating her face.  I noted it was vinyl and mused that probably they would heat the head up and reshape it.  A man that was my lover for several years (a long time ago) appeared in my dream and I was telling him how badly I wanted a bottle of vodka and told him how I was going to try and find a way to sneak one in under the wire.  He smiled.  He was a cop, I guess he was going to let me get away with it.

Strange dream, I don’t like vodka.

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Porringer number 3

Yesterday’s meals:
Porringer 1- 2 eggs, 2 rashers
Porringer 2- duck pate, bleu cheese crumbles
Porringer 3- Soup: 2 1/2 cumberland sausages, broth, grated carrot, double cream
Porringer 4- minced beef, cauliflower, butter, 2T brown gravy

Yesterday’s drinks:
3 pots of tea
1 glass of wine
4 cups of coffee with 2 tsp. double cream in each

Gob Smacked

success

What just happened?

I honestly don’t know.  It started out innocently enough.  It’s cold here.  We have 91 inch windows that help keep the room cold.  After putting up woven curtains in the bedroom, we have noticed the room is warmer at night.  I don’t want to block the view or the light from the lounge windows, so I started thinking about net curtains.  I jumped on eBay to see the selections and that led to wanting to check the charity shops in case a miracle would happen and there would be 3 panels with at least a 91 inch drop.  That’s the innocent part.  I had no other intentions.  I crossed the street to go to the last charity shop and saw that one of our food shops is gutted and they were putting up new tiles outside and the whole inside was gone.  Just like that, no warning.  We buy the majority of our food there and it put me into a panic.  First, this was where I was planning to buy all the treats to send to my family for Christmas.  That’s quashed.  Second, there’s no groceries from there next week, they won’t re-open until the 6th. I felt a sort of panic, like there was suddenly an unexplained food shortage!  Which was silly, there is another food shop a bit further down, more expensive, but we won’t starve.

But the feeling grew and I went down to the open food shop since there weren’t any curtains to be had at the charity shops.  I had no need for groceries, but I went out of some bizarre need to buy something…anything.  And of course, you know what this means…ED is along for the ride.  In the pretence of checking the prices and availability of the biscuits I want to send, I started leaning towards a binge.  I handled several items, carefully trying to decide, should I, or shouldn’t I?

Wow, after my morning writing, you’d think I was somehow wiser.  Nope.  I was on the threshold, decisions were being made, the binge plotted, the cost calculated.  I had other, regular food items like cabbage, apples, cream and a few tins in my basket, but something really bothered me about all this.  It wasn’t so much the binge itself that I didn’t want to do, it was that feeling that every time I walk into a food store is a potential binge.  THAT really bothered me.  Can’t I be a responsible adult and stop seeing the food store as a trap?  I felt like a zombie, I put each food item in my basket back to their proper places.  I did not have to buy any food TODAY, I have what I need for a couple of days more.  I felt like I was outside myself, directing myself to walk out of the store empty handed.    It was truly weird and I waited for the Twilight Zone music to play.  I continued to walk back to the flat, like a woman in a trance and I did not feel happy that I did not binge, in fact, I admit to feeling let down and sad.  I threw the baby out with the bath.  I came home empty handed and all was for naught.  I know I should feel great about it, but it feels like a loss somehow.

Life in the Theatre

popcorn

Trigger Pops.

A trigger is like a pan full of popcorn kernels.  Once the pan is hot enough, the first kernel pops, then another and another until there is an explosion of popcorn.  One trigger begets another trigger.  It can get overwhelming.  I need to recognise it is part of the addiction, it is the first thing one gets before the play starts.

First pop: husband’s comments about wishing he didn’t have to go to work, he just wants to be retired. (I feel guilty not working, but my residency is not granted yet).

Second pop: I get on the scale wanting to see a loss. (I feel I am owed a drop in weight for being 13 days faithful to my porringer plan).

Pop 3-100:  Anything and everything that annoys, irritates, depresses me.  They come fast now, pop, pop, pop.

Yesterday I felt the popping of emotions that precedes a binge.  I was fine one moment, the next (the moment I stepped on the scale) I was plunged into the predictable darkness that a no-loss creates.  I was 17 stone 10 pounds when I arrived in Scotland, I am now 19 stone.  Panic sets, in and  ED perked right up, took his directors chair and started what he does best….direct the the play called THE BINGE.

DIRECTOR

Come on in, ED, take a seat and tell me how unworthy I am, how I should binge to enforce being obese as my statement against the world’s cruel requirement to be thin and beautiful.  Soothe me with visions of cream puffs and whisky.  Remind me of the heavenly tastes, the feelings of pure ecstasy that I will feel by eating or drinking.  Tell me that my need is easily fixed with self indulgence, that a little bit won’t hurt, that I can always offset the damage with a new even stricter diet the next day, maybe even a fast!  Yes, there is always something to wipe it all away, but for now…..just for now….cream puffs and whisky will make the world go away for a little while.  TELL ME WHAT TO DO…take over, I’ll take your lead.

Yesterday’s meals:
Porringer 1- 2 eggs, 2 rashers
Porringer 2- duck pate, cheddar cheese with butter
Porringer 3- 5 jack maloney sausages
Porringer 4- 3 cumberland sausages, cabbage, carrot
Yesterday’s drinks:
3 pots of tea
1 glass of wine
4 cups of coffee with 2 tsp. double cream in each

All that ED voice garbage all because I let a few triggers pop and then it became overwhelming.  Old issues were revisited, painful regrets tried back on, haunting images of an ugly pig was seen in the mirror, and I stayed once again in the flat because I knew if I went outside, it would be a shop filled with teacakes that I would mysteriously find myself trapped in.

over-acting

Drama.  That is all it is.  ED has become the director of my life and I am playing a cheesy unconvincing part on a stage.  I know all the lines by heart, I have acted this out so many times.  Still, it is a bad play and no one cares to see it.  ED continues to coach me like an understudy, but I don’t even need him anymore, he’s just been around so long, I am use to his company.  All it takes is the popcorn to start popping, the lights go down, the curtain rises, and I go and do what I do, over act.

Only, I am not doing it.  Day 14, and I have watched the triggers pop, I have heard ED go over the lines, I watched the lights dim, but I did not take centre stage.  It took a porringer filled with sausages to stop myself from bingeing, but my blood sugar stayed in the normal range and my weight has not changed since the last time I weighed earlier in the month.   Maybe it is time to give up the drama.  I wonder what would happen if I threw the script at ED and walked off stage?

Off Monday

Not a good start to the day and I am confounded as to why.  Lower back ache, arthritic hip, unknown exhaustion and a queasiness.  This brings on irritation.  I strongly felt it this morning while husband made all his usual loud noises and it was grating on my nerves.  One moment I felt I was going to snap, the next he’s leaving out the door and I feel like holding him and not letting go.

Yesterday’s meals:
Porringer 1- 2 eggs, 2 rashers
Porringer 2- plain whole fat yogurt
Porringer 3- curry: chicken breast, carrot, onion, tikka masala paste, coconut milk, parsley, fresh basil

Yesterday’s drinks:
3 pots of tea
1 glass of wine
4 cups of coffee with 2 tsp. double cream in each

I finished up a knitting project and did some ironing, made a loaf of bread and about keeled over in massive exhaustion.  I had to lay down and sleep for an hour and that didn’t revive me at all and I fell into a very deep sleep.  I hope being out last Saturday night isn’t bringing on another illness.  Here is the town hall and the Christmas tree.

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Santa was there too!

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Here is the back of the town hall from our window on a foggy morning.

We had the local lighting of the town Christmas tree and the fabulous fireworks display over the town hall.  We live right behind the town hall and now realise that we could have just watch from our window or stand outside our door to see them, which we will definitely do next year.  But this time we herded with most of the town’s people to the high street area and it took 45 minutes for the fireworks and tree lighting to start.  We were freezing in the bitter cold and were prevented from returning home as the whole area was blocked to keep anyone from getting hurt with the fireworks fallout.  With heavy coat, gloves and a scarf, I was shivering and my toes and fingers got numb.  It was unpleasant standing and waiting, as this was our first year doing this, we did not know what to expect.  The tree lighting was unimpressive, the fireworks were fabulous, unlike any I had ever seen in America.  Well done!  But perhaps I am getting another cold out of it, otherwise I cannot figure out why I feel so knocked down.

Let’s see, I am on the 13th day away from my last binge.  I should be feeling terrific.  This not feeling good makes me think that something is wrong with something.  Either my body or my food intake needs attention.  I want to keep changes to a minimum so that I can tell what is what with all this I am trying to accomplish.  My intention in November was just to get back into eating full time out of the porringer and away from bingeing.  I am very proud that the only binge I had this month was on my birthday.  Wow, if I make it to Saturday, I will be able to say it was only once in the whole month!  I am a bit excited to wonder if I can do it all of next month too.

So no food changes until next month.  I will weigh in on Saturday, the first of the new month and make the goal for December at that time.  As I am trying to do with my knitting, stay with one thing until completed, I want to do the same with this permanent change over in my eating.  Otherwise I will not really know what is working and what is not.