A trigger is like a pan full of popcorn kernels. Once the pan is hot enough, the first kernel pops, then another and another until there is an explosion of popcorn. One trigger begets another trigger. It can get overwhelming. I need to recognise it is part of the addiction, it is the first thing one gets before the play starts.
First pop: husband’s comments about wishing he didn’t have to go to work, he just wants to be retired. (I feel guilty not working, but my residency is not granted yet).
Second pop: I get on the scale wanting to see a loss. (I feel I am owed a drop in weight for being 13 days faithful to my porringer plan).
Pop 3-100: Anything and everything that annoys, irritates, depresses me. They come fast now, pop, pop, pop.
Yesterday I felt the popping of emotions that precedes a binge. I was fine one moment, the next (the moment I stepped on the scale) I was plunged into the predictable darkness that a no-loss creates. I was 17 stone 10 pounds when I arrived in Scotland, I am now 19 stone. Panic sets, in and ED perked right up, took his directors chair and started what he does best….direct the the play called THE BINGE.
Come on in, ED, take a seat and tell me how unworthy I am, how I should binge to enforce being obese as my statement against the world’s cruel requirement to be thin and beautiful. Soothe me with visions of cream puffs and whisky. Remind me of the heavenly tastes, the feelings of pure ecstasy that I will feel by eating or drinking. Tell me that my need is easily fixed with self indulgence, that a little bit won’t hurt, that I can always offset the damage with a new even stricter diet the next day, maybe even a fast! Yes, there is always something to wipe it all away, but for now…..just for now….cream puffs and whisky will make the world go away for a little while. TELL ME WHAT TO DO…take over, I’ll take your lead.
Porringer 1- 2 eggs, 2 rashers
Porringer 2- duck pate, cheddar cheese with butter
Porringer 3- 5 jack maloney sausages
Porringer 4- 3 cumberland sausages, cabbage, carrot
3 pots of tea
1 glass of wine
4 cups of coffee with 2 tsp. double cream in each
All that ED voice garbage all because I let a few triggers pop and then it became overwhelming. Old issues were revisited, painful regrets tried back on, haunting images of an ugly pig was seen in the mirror, and I stayed once again in the flat because I knew if I went outside, it would be a shop filled with teacakes that I would mysteriously find myself trapped in.
Drama. That is all it is. ED has become the director of my life and I am playing a cheesy unconvincing part on a stage. I know all the lines by heart, I have acted this out so many times. Still, it is a bad play and no one cares to see it. ED continues to coach me like an understudy, but I don’t even need him anymore, he’s just been around so long, I am use to his company. All it takes is the popcorn to start popping, the lights go down, the curtain rises, and I go and do what I do, over act.
Only, I am not doing it. Day 14, and I have watched the triggers pop, I have heard ED go over the lines, I watched the lights dim, but I did not take centre stage. It took a porringer filled with sausages to stop myself from bingeing, but my blood sugar stayed in the normal range and my weight has not changed since the last time I weighed earlier in the month. Maybe it is time to give up the drama. I wonder what would happen if I threw the script at ED and walked off stage?