Carb Muck

I really need to write, but I am feeling sort of wordless.

funny-pictures-they-would-but-only-to-ask-for-food

 

Between feeling sick and feeling better, I am smudging through mucky carbs which is only making me stay stuck in the awfulness of it all. I am in a precarious mood, mostly because dear husband is home for 9 days and that just has it’s own life that sometimes wears me a bit thin.  More awareness, more thoughts, more needs, more of just about everything converge into a creeping exhaustion.

 

The carbs.  Well, I bought a bag of potato crisps, a package of shortbread biscuits and a small package of oatmeal-fruit cookies on Friday.  It wasn’t planned, it sort of sprang into existence just thinking about a homebound husband.  I think there were about 6-8 cookies (normal, not large) of the oatmeal things, chewy, not one flavour detected to pull the cookie into an interesting mouthful.  Shouldn’t there have been at least some cinnamon?  I notice when I eat stuff like this, I continue to eat it, expecting it will taste better at some point, but of course, it doesn’t.  I think that is really strange behaviour on my part.  The shortbread was better but only because it is suppose to be plain and I expected the blandness and appreciated it for the nice crumbly texture.  I got wild and added butter and cheddar slices to it, but that really wasn’t the taste combination I wanted.  I would have preferred crusty bread.  I ate about 1/3 of the package and shoved it aside.  The crisps, well, they were overly hard and condensed rings of extruded potato mash and had the predictable plain potato and salt flavour.  I ate perhaps 1/3 of the bag as well.  That was Friday, and I suffered horrible gastric distress by bedtime, being sicker than I should have, complete with a writhing gut, heartburn and nausea.  I had had a normal low carb breakfast and dinner in my porringer. 

 

Saturday I was still sick, so I skipped breakfast and could have skipped lunch, but having discovered that husband found my hidden stash of junk food, my determination to finish it off while he was gone to get a haircut was irrationally overpowering.  Getting rid of the evidence already discovered made no sense, but like the little rat sneak thief that I am, I devoured it until I felt sick again, although  not as acutely.  Thinking (as binge eaters do in their warped rationales) I figured I was now safe (no junk food within reach) and could get back to my porringer and my redemption would involve worshipping the LCHF shrine with a guilty vengeance. 

 

That was fine, until Sunday evening when I mistakenly mentioned how I wished I could have a lovely brandy with after dinner coffee and husband magically appeared with his own hidden stash of Baily’s filled chocolates that he was saving for Christmas.  Damn it.  I had 4 -5 of those with my coffee and what the hell, ate the last 4 shortbread biscuits that were missed on Saturday.  Saying no did not enter my mind.  It did later, but that always happens after the fact, when I am powerless to do anything about it.  (yeah, I know).

 

I hate writing out these mundane confessions just as much as it pains anyone to read them without yawning.  I read other people’s rants and confessions on their blogs and I shake my head and ask them mentally why the hell don’t they get their act together?  I should be asking myself that question.  Instead, I rant and throw my hands up at my own behaviours and as we all have in common, we desperately hope some thing will happen to awaken us from the nightmare of it all.  We all know there is an easy fix, but we all feel it’s hopelessly complicated.

 

I have gained weight and I can not only see it, but feel it in the most unpleasant ways.  How does a person lose 88 pounds and gain it all back?  By doing what I am doing.  All these little mini binges are thought of as being a one off and will soon stop, but the reality is, they build up a pattern of behaviour that continues on and the weight all comes back on.  I know I hit 19 stone last week, that is a 37 pound gain!  

 

all-you-can-eat

 

Yet here is where I need to stop the rising panic and grit my teeth.  I can stop this progression and to do that means accepting discipline as a pattern of behaviour until I am firmly back into ketosis and that sorts itself all out.  My BG is 101, 6 hours after a egg and rasher breakfast, that’s not good either, when completely low carb and I am down in the 70-80 range. Today will already be a challenge as I have an unpleasant task to do and I am dreading it.  I would much rather drink whisky, pull the duvet over my head or eat fish and chips, any of those ideas are far more appealing right now.  Sigh.

 

Friday:
Breakfast: 2 rashers, 2 eggs, 2 coffee with double cream (porringer)
Tea: pot of tea, shortbread, cheese, butter, oatmeal-fruit cookies, potato crisps
Lunch: none
Dinner: chicken breast, cauliflower, butter (porringer)
After dinner coffee: 2 cups of coffee with double cream

 

Saturday:
Breakfast: 2 rashers, 2 eggs, 2 coffee with double cream (porringer)
Tea: pot of tea, shortbread, potato crisps
Lunch: 2 ryvita, butter and cheese
Dinner: minced beef, 2T sauce, roasted carrot, butter, onion
After dinner coffee: 2 cups of coffee with double cream

 

Sunday:
Breakfast: 2 rashers, 2 eggs, 2 coffee with double cream
Tea: pot of tea
Lunch: none
Dinner: pork steak, cauliflower, butter, 1T sauce, onion, carrot (porringer)
After dinner coffee: 2 cups of coffee with double cream, chocolates, shortbread

 

Monday: (EFFORT TO GET IT RIGHT)  All in the porringer
Breakfast: 1 rashers, 2 eggs, 2 coffee with double cream
Tea: pot of tea
Lunch: 1 pot liver pate, mayonnaise
Dinner: 2 cumberlands, savoy cabbage
After dinner coffee: 2 cups of coffee with double cream

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