I am absolutely in a wonderful blissful place right now. I noticed both last night and this morning at how well I felt. The cold is completely gone, the bloat and heaviness is gone and the lovely lull of the three porringers a day is keeping me feeling steady on and normal in my eating.
My meals are naturally decreasing in amount and the fat content is rising just as naturally. For instance, earlier in the week, when I was recouping from the last carby binge, in order to make sure I did not feel deprived, I had 4 cumberland sausages for dinner with my cabbage. Last night, I was fine with two. I see it as the body regulating itself naturally when it has the right foods to digest to begin with. I also notice my desire for more fat increasing, I poured the sausage pan drippings on my cabbage, even though I had generously braised it in beef lard and broth. I have to say that dinner tasted marvellous!
I had to buy the usual weekly groceries yesterday. I made sure I had satisfying foods for my lunches. I bought high fat salami, liver pate, extra eggs and fish to make a mayonnaise based salad with.
The salami was really good, tender and not chewy with all the fat. I know it looks a mess!
I had a boiled egg with herring roe, raw carrot slices with crab pate, a bit of leftover cooked cauliflower with mayonnaise added (mini salad style).
Here is the lunch yesterday shown above as I serve it every day, on a tray with a pot of tea. We eat at the table for breakfast and dinner, but usually have lunch at our dual desks.
I was careful to buy enough food to keep me out of the shops until Tuesday. Husband returns to work on Monday which will be a touchy day for me, it is the usual binge day. Tuesday is my birthday and it is already planned to have a fish and chips dinner as I have mentioned in the last post. I mulled over what to do about lunch that day and after being so pleased with how I feel today, I don’t want to go back to feeling terrible with a carby binge (as bingeing was definitely on my mind as an option). After thinking about it, I decided that I really wanted a lovely massive minced beef patty with cheddar cheese melted inside. In America they called them juicy lucy’s and I adored them. I will make one that will fit in the bowl. On Tuesday I will go to the shop for 2 bottles of stout beer for our dinner and a package of merengue’s that I will dollop clotted cream on, and stop at the bakery and get Husband the ginger cake slices he really likes. I think with the grain that will be in the fish batter, I do not want to keep adding more to it through dessert or a lunch binge. Instead, I am opting for more sugar than grain through the merengue’s, stout and port.
I feel much better about the choices. Although I talk about keeping the carbs low, it is only because it has proven to me time and time again how well I feel choosing these types of food. I am trying not to think of them as an alternative diet or weight loss method. It’s not always easy for me with all my disordered eating thinking and patterns, but I am truly finding this porringer experiment to be a way of bringing me peace and it does have a calming effect on me. Having the fish and chips was a difficult decision, because it was a high carb food choice. With my single rule of eating exclusively from the porringer and no restrictions on what goes in the bowl, there are no carbohydrate numbers to mess up my thinking. Yet, I know from long experience that I will feel much better the less grains and sugar I take in. For me, normalising and balancing my eating is more important than being locked in numbers and food ideals. I am working on finding that balance between planning what to eat (which takes on obsessive and wasted time thoughts) and just putting food in the bowl and calling it a complete meal as is.
Just this morning, as I was putting my hair up, I was standing in front of the mirror and noticing that how well I felt inside did not match up with the visual image of my body. It didn’t help that because it is so cold in our bedroom, I had on multiple layers of clothing! I had on thick socks, cotton knit lounge pants, a long old fashioned cotton night gown, a sweater and over all, my cooking apron. I looked awful, massively huge and downright ugly. The thoughts started to churn about how fat I have gotten once again and how I have let myself go, which started the restrictive eating thoughts. I was ready to cancel the birthday dinner and punish myself with a lettuce leaf and water. I felt in that murky thought pattern that I was unworthy of eating fish and chips, a beloved meal from my childhood. It took time to work through the black thoughts, look at everything with the goal of something far more reasonable and that is why I am pleased with the choices, making a compromise of balanced choices, letting go of binge thoughts and a pleasant promise to myself not to get restrictive and over react to visual cues. I will let the bowl take care of my meal size, I will let the clotted cream create the delight of a rich and fancy dessert. And I will sip on my bottle of port and watch film noir all day!