After a massive journaling session, I sat back and smiled. I wrote with a fury of insight only to realise that I have had the same light bulb go off many times. Again, I failed to recognise the voice of ED, this is always the tail end of the binge process. It is part of the confession and redemption process that will guide me back to moderate eating until I once again binge.
I had written about the invasive and soul controlling evil of grains and sugar and promised to banish every trace from my meals. The redemption would be a clean and sober existence, free of the addictive inducing substance. Solve the immediate problem, right? If I put a ban on the stuff I binge on, I cannot binge, right? There is truth in the idea, but there is also a predictable set-up to fail situation going on. Declarations, dedications and restrictions set up the scene for the drama to play out that I know will end up in tragedy. My ED sets the scene by agreeing with me. ED knows how to soothe and woo and lead me right up to the gates of the slaughter house. I have been starring in this passion play for over 30 years. I know every line by heart. Still, as an actor does, I still get caught up in the moment of it. While in it, I live and breathe it and cannot discern the playacting going on.
Meet ED, the sleeping dragon. I had him personified. He was masterfully created
by Buddha in Hawaii.
I am actually amused by it. I wink back at ED and it has to acknowledge I know of it’s existence! I may be personifying ED as an entity, but that is the easiest way to express the insidious thinking process that goes on inside a person’s head when the voice of addiction feels like an alien living within our minds and bodies. I actually see my ED as a dragon. Keep it sleeping and all is well. Awake it with a binge and all hell breaks loose. One thing to never lose sight of, is that it continues to exist, sleeping or not.
After the heat of the drama is played out, the only sensible thing to do is go home. I smile at that too, because all along it is where I long to be. Out of the spotlight, out of the emotional rollercoaster and into my comfortable chair by the warm fire. That comfortable chair is my three meals a day in the porringer. It is a simple, everyday sort of comfort. I was feeling so good by it and then I let a thing known as a birthday take it away and make me feel anguish for days afterwards. The dragon known as ED is now awake and must be soothed asleep again. I take a deep breath, I stop all the promises to reform, I stop the ideas of restrictions, the crazy dedications to change and the intense urges to diet. Those are ED’s way of staying awake and active by haunting my thoughts with trying to convince me I need to do something drastic. I know that I have the truth at hand, that is to be moderate and consistent in my eating. Nothing more or less. ED’s way never worked and only caused me to wallow in obesity or starve in punishment.