Recovery is a Pain in the Arse

Third day after the binge and I am still not feeling the wondrous wellbeing yet.  I am irritable about how it takes longer and longer to recover from a binge.  I also feel irritated over seeing videos of what people eat during a binge and my binge capacity has dwindled to 2-3 small packages of something.  I don’t get takeaways, I don’t binge on meal type foods, simply crisps and biscuits for the most part.  MY binges are 1-2 times a week.  Yet I am gaining weight like crazy.  I can see it and feel it.  Some of it is the bloat that comes to me when I eat carbs, so I am sure the wellbeing will return in a week or so.  It’s just the uncomfortable times.

 

005

Liver pate, cheddar with butter, bleu cheese crumbles, mayonnaise, cucumber slices.

 

I did have 5 porringers of food yesterday, mostly to get as much fat as I could in me while not allowing any thoughts of bingeing to occur.  I had the usual breakfast, then the same bowl above, twice during the day.  Dinner was 2 minced beef patties and a small side salad (counting this as the 5th bowl).  I had about 2T of meat sauce and a bit of sautéed onion on the beef and I thought about it, that perhaps it is time to let go of the sauce.  Not that I have it more than once a week, but still an intentional source of unnecessary carbs.  I would rather have the carbs in carrots (a natural source) than the starch added to sauces (intentional source).  So while I am aiming towards the low carb spectrum again, I will be cleaning up the little bits.  The few intentional sources of carbs that I need to keep is the cumberland sausages, commercial mayonnaise, kebab meat and meatballs.  These are a part of our grocery budget, are foods that my husband likes and the minimal carbs are acceptable with me.  I can instead give up the ones I can easily skip like the curry sauce (squeeze bottle type), the meat sauces, the lorne, etc..

 

That all being said, I need to guide myself away from thinking about carbs.  I noticed this morning I was thinking about entering the last couple of days of foods into my nutritional program and getting the idea of going back on a diet was getting a stronger voice in my head.  This is the danger zone I do not want to enter.  Thinking it through, I realize that it comes with the discomfort of a recent binge and regaining balance.  If I do not feel well as soon as I would like to, I suspect what I am doing is not “enough” restriction and panic sets in.  The thought of using laxatives this morning crossed my mind.  No, I remind myself, take a deep breath, remember that when I leave a binge behind, a few days of eating more fat and drastically reducing the carbs will help me far better than starving and laxatives will.  It takes about a week to get back the wellbeing what I lost in 1 hour of excess eating!  I say it, I write it down, I think about it, but I do this same cycle time and time again.  There is no logic to addiction.  I am once again paying the price for a moment of pleasure. 

 

Today just needs to be trodden carefully.  I have to get some regular groceries, I will wait until I feel sure I can do it without binge thoughts getting the upper hand.  I remind myself that by this time next week, I should be feeling much better.  This is the uncomfortable time of finding what I lost.

 

eeyore

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