Third day after the binge and I am still not feeling the wondrous wellbeing yet. I am irritable about how it takes longer and longer to recover from a binge. I also feel irritated over seeing videos of what people eat during a binge and my binge capacity has dwindled to 2-3 small packages of something. I don’t get takeaways, I don’t binge on meal type foods, simply crisps and biscuits for the most part. MY binges are 1-2 times a week. Yet I am gaining weight like crazy. I can see it and feel it. Some of it is the bloat that comes to me when I eat carbs, so I am sure the wellbeing will return in a week or so. It’s just the uncomfortable times.
Liver pate, cheddar with butter, bleu cheese crumbles, mayonnaise, cucumber slices.
I did have 5 porringers of food yesterday, mostly to get as much fat as I could in me while not allowing any thoughts of bingeing to occur. I had the usual breakfast, then the same bowl above, twice during the day. Dinner was 2 minced beef patties and a small side salad (counting this as the 5th bowl). I had about 2T of meat sauce and a bit of sautéed onion on the beef and I thought about it, that perhaps it is time to let go of the sauce. Not that I have it more than once a week, but still an intentional source of unnecessary carbs. I would rather have the carbs in carrots (a natural source) than the starch added to sauces (intentional source). So while I am aiming towards the low carb spectrum again, I will be cleaning up the little bits. The few intentional sources of carbs that I need to keep is the cumberland sausages, commercial mayonnaise, kebab meat and meatballs. These are a part of our grocery budget, are foods that my husband likes and the minimal carbs are acceptable with me. I can instead give up the ones I can easily skip like the curry sauce (squeeze bottle type), the meat sauces, the lorne, etc..
That all being said, I need to guide myself away from thinking about carbs. I noticed this morning I was thinking about entering the last couple of days of foods into my nutritional program and getting the idea of going back on a diet was getting a stronger voice in my head. This is the danger zone I do not want to enter. Thinking it through, I realize that it comes with the discomfort of a recent binge and regaining balance. If I do not feel well as soon as I would like to, I suspect what I am doing is not “enough” restriction and panic sets in. The thought of using laxatives this morning crossed my mind. No, I remind myself, take a deep breath, remember that when I leave a binge behind, a few days of eating more fat and drastically reducing the carbs will help me far better than starving and laxatives will. It takes about a week to get back the wellbeing what I lost in 1 hour of excess eating! I say it, I write it down, I think about it, but I do this same cycle time and time again. There is no logic to addiction. I am once again paying the price for a moment of pleasure.
Today just needs to be trodden carefully. I have to get some regular groceries, I will wait until I feel sure I can do it without binge thoughts getting the upper hand. I remind myself that by this time next week, I should be feeling much better. This is the uncomfortable time of finding what I lost.