Not a good day. Mood has plummeted down, my breathing is difficult and the headache is building momentum. Irregularity is making it’s contribution and when that happens, nausea sets in too.
I have some new connections that have occurred to me lately. It’s so easy to blame the binge as the culprit in how poorly I feel afterwards, but it is Saturday and the last binge was on Tuesday and I am feeling the sickest today of all the intervening days. Why? Shouldn’t each day be an improvement? Not with my digestive tract! I have been purposely increasing the fats in order to knock down cravings and return to a very low carb diet. I think this may be also irritating my gall bladder and causing this nausea and ill feeling. Just a thought. The breathing problem is left over from the cold.
The point for me is to connect just how bad this can get when I leave the working method and the low carb foods I eat for even one meal and the resulting disaster even one small binge can create. The illness doesn’t last just one day but haunts me far longer than it did when I was younger. Right now, it is easy to swear off ever doing it again, but addiction has it’s own voice and cares nothing for the end results. It’s up to me to remember how this feels the next time I am tempted to leave the safety of the porringer.
Yesterday, I ate too much food. Or, my illness is making me feel as though I did. This is why I often take photos and write it down, I have a hard time with comprehending how much is too much in the moment before eating.
Porringer 1- 2 eggs, 2 rashers, 2 cups coffee with double cream
Porringer 2- kebab meat, cheddar cheese with butter and bleu cheese, pot of tea
Porringer 3- 150g liver pate with butter mashed in, pot of tea
Porringer 4- plain full fat yogurt (less than half the bowl)
( the above all eaten before noon)
Porringer 5- cabbage and 3 cumberlands, 1 glass of wine
after dinner coffee, 2 coffees with 4 chocolates
Cheddar with butter, bleu cheese
I added kebab meat on top of the above image.
Liver pate with butter before mixing it in better.
The chocolates. I really like these, especially the ones with cognac.
Very rich in taste and do not cause me to want more.
I am not sure why I ate so much, there was an anxiety or sorts, but I wasn’t feeling well and eating didn’t help. Number 1, 3 and 5 would have been the normal selection the rest was excess, low carb or not. The chocolates were a treat and I do enjoy them, but felt 2 would have been enough, but husband encouraged more and I did not say no as I should have. He’s been on an eating kick lately and I am not sure what his anxiety is. Work is going fine from what he tells me. It could stem a bit from feeling resentment of having to work when I am home, especially coming right from having a 9 day break. Honestly, he doesn’t have enough to do when not working, no hobbies, no interests that get him involved. He sits at the computer reading politics and watches quick videos and takes an afternoon nap. He managed only one full film while home and didn’t get any book reading done, as he so wanted to. He ate more treats during his stay home and it extended into the return to work week too. I think it may just be the party mode, the lets have fun desire that eating can provide.
He had a craving for a soda late last night and as it sounded wonderful to me too, he went to the shops to get some, but they were closed and he stopped instead at the fish and chips shop and came home with the soda and chips. He hasn’t done that since the trucking days, to eat another hot meal so late at night. I was surprised and it made me think about my own addiction and how there is no difference between us when it comes to the food crazies, the only two are: that he does not gain weight as fast as I do, and his are at night, while my impulses are in the morning.
Watching him, watching the documentaries on compulsive eating and disordered eating make me really turn these connections of my own behaviours over in my mind. Sometimes I think I should be seeking help and support, but then I remember something that struck me many years ago. I knew about AA and those disease and spiritual based recovery programs, but when I first learned of the secular methods, I read something that always stayed with me. It was a fabulous book I found in a thrift shop and I cannot say it often enough, I do not remember the title and I no longer have the book and wished I did. The author wrote that millions of alcoholics quit on their own and do so for the rest of their life with no fan fare, no sobriety pins, nothing but the inner determination to stop the drinking. On their own, they figured out what worked and what didn’t. They made their own guidelines to navigate the pitfalls. They don’t attend meetings, they don’t seek help. We do not hear much about all the ones that just stop and carry on because they are not in and out of rehab, they are not talking about it or writing about it. They just do it. We are sometimes made to believe we are powerless over our addictions but
I don’t want to believe that. I want to believe that practicing a gentle way of eating by using the porringer will eventually take me further away from bingeing and disordered eating. It’s a tool, I realise that, but one that gives me a sense of nurturing and not one of restriction.
So as much as I am watching the videos on addiction and rehab, I am also noticing a trend that the shows seem to think there must be a dramatic epiphany for the person to change their eating habits. Shock is the most popular method, either by having the obese person see how much they eat by putting a weeks worth in front of them, or making the anorexic draw their imagined body shape on a piece of paper and then outlining them. The UK shows love to make people wear nothing more than their underwear to fully expose their body shapes on the telly. I am all for tools and methods to work through, but the one thing I keep wondering is, that the very nature of an eating disorder is avoidance, so shock only has a minimal impact. That initial shock is what addicts quickly repress and avoid. It’s not an epiphany that bolsters change unless one is willing to work it through all the upcoming difficulties that life brings. It’s really about how to manage every day that is the true tool needed, not the OMG I eat that much shock wave.
Husband will have to work through his own deal, I continue to make the healthiest meals I can with our limited budget. Today it was so nice to find a bag at the local green grocer filled with a large onion, 2 mega large carrots, a half a swede, 2 leeks and a bunch of parsley for £1.50. Enough to make a lovely lentil soup for husband and enough leftover for another meal. Today, I plan on knocking my meals down to three and see if I can get my nausea to leave.