Mending

bitsy

 

Still feeling slightly headachy, pain in the small back, mild nausea.  My insides are disturbed and I may have been too heavy on the fats before it was ready to handle it.  It was easy to stick to the three porringers yesterday and I think it helped me feel slightly better today.  I think for awhile, I will switch to having yogurt for lunch and see if that helps get the intestinal bugs back in the right balance.

 

I think the slight improvement I feel this morning is because I ate less yesterday.  I really like how that feels, not to be starving, but to feel less burdened by food.  I thought about those with bulimia, how they eat until so stuffed they feel a need to purge.  I can eat to the point of pain, but I cannot stand the purging part, I merely slept it off when I was more actively bingeing.  Back then, I used bingeing as a coma inducing method of avoidance.  It pushed me into sleeping.  I think that is also why I ate so much right before bedtime so many years ago.  I’d even eat in bed, it was a favourite thing to do, read and eat.  I am so far away from that now.  Being married has changed my habits dramatically.

 

I keep catching myself saying ”I need to make a decision…” about some sort of food.  It’s one of the many lies the ED voice likes to use.  It sounds so official, like I am taking charge of a problem and about to solve it.  I see it as the illusion of waving a magic wand and POOF, the problem vanishes permanently, never to return.  Making a decision about something means nothing unless enforced.  Enforced means working it, doing it, causing it to match the intention…..every single time.  This morning, I thought the same old familiar ”I should make a decision about sugar”.  It would make me feel in control of my eating disorder if I could make a rule and that rule would prevent the event from happening.  So if I said firmly, ”no more sugar in any form” then that would take care of the problem.  Where I falter in this, is believing the rule has the finality of a direct order from a supreme authority, it cannot be broken.  Within a short period of time, I defy the order.  I break the rule.  Did I not create the rule of three porringers a day, and then promptly break it? 

 

This stuff drives me crazy.  I have to keep swinging it around to the light and looking at it.  The ways my mind works around food and eating is so deeply ingrained that I don’t always catch the ED voice.  It’s too smooth, too soothing, too familiar to notice it is killing me.  Sleeping with the enemy.  I often think I am in control and often it proves just how in control it is.

 

Still, there is a ray of feeling better today.  I will go and get some yogurt, give my insides something to work with and see if a hot water bottle will help the lower back, and find something to do to ease the day through the paces.

 

Yesterday:
Porringer 1- 2 eggs, 2 rashers, 2 coffee with double cream
Porringer 2- half filled with plain yogurt
Porringer 3- 2 small minced beef patties with sautéed onion, roasted carrot with butter, 1 glass of wine
2 coffee with double cream, 3 chocolates

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