Cover Up

I am now 6 days since the last carb binge and my appetite is definitely decreasing.  I have been able to eat three bowls for the last two days without any hunger grabbing me by the throat.  This is my normal pattern and timing when returning to low carb foods as my staple food.  Within the next few days I should be feeling a sense of wellbeing.

 

My digestion issues continue and I am really hoping it clears up today.  I did buy the plain, full fat yogurt and will have that at lunch for 3 more days hoping for a change in intestinal flora.  I went to the shops yesterday but could not find anything that would help.  The pharmacies were closed so today I will try once again.  I am tempted to do some sort of cleanse, but this is dangerous territory.  I think it is wiser to let the body do it’s own cleansing.  I am trying to learn to let my body do what it is designed to do and stop interfering because my mind wants quick and dramatic results.  It feels though it needs a nudge. 

 

Which is what I am also trying to do with the porringer.  I need to let it do what it does for me; guide my eating.  I noticed last night that the meal I made was pleasantly spicy and savoury.  I had an impulse to eat more but was not at all hungry.  In fact, with the digestion problem, I feel continually stuffed and uncomfortable.  The impulse was completely independent from my body’s need.   I thought about the impulse, what made it occur when there was no need for it?  What would I get out of eating more?  The risk of making my digestion even more off was quite real.  What was the need that was gathering strength to pressure me?

 

I looked at my porringer and thought of how complete it really is.  That bowl holds enough food for me to be satisfied physically.  The food tasted good so I should have been satisfied emotionally too.  I am about to say something that sounds utterly ridiculous, but it is true.  Being obese does not mean I am a food lover.  I don’t binge because I can’t get enough of food.  I never had that much interest in food to care much about it.  I enjoy the taste of some foods, but that is not what compels me to eat more.  Binge eating is like taking a sleeping pill.  You’re not trying to get high, you just want to relax enough to sleep.  It is the same with drinking, I am not interested in getting drunk or high, I just want to relax.  I know that I use food as a drug. 

 

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I eat (and drink) to cover up how I feel and to feel less anxious and to hide.

 

I read an autobiography about Oscar Levant years ago and was struck by his desire to be in a drug induced haze, it was likened to the bliss of a coma.  He was addicted to pain medications and talked about loving the feeling of nothingness.  The one and only time I had morphine while in labour, I remember thinking that had I access to the drug, I would have loved taking it.  I loved the twilight state under the influence of morphine.  Alcohol can create that state, but quickly launches into drunkenness.  It is very hard to control the level of alcohol, as the inhibition dissolves, so does the reasoning about when to stop.  Food is not as quick.  That relaxed state takes a lot of food to achieve numbness.  Carbs and sugar induce it the fastest and the hardest.  A dozen donuts can make me feel like I need to lay down and nap.  Still, food is not illegal, easier to obtain and the easiest to ingest because initially it is not as dangerous as drugs or alcohol. (Later, it can cause obesity and a host of other medical issues along with disordered thinking and addiction).

 

While I did not eat another bowl of the dinner last night, I did take several bites directly from the skillet of the minced beef mixture.  It was a compulsive move, a rebellion of sorts.  I recognised it and stopped.  I did not really want to stop, I wanted to throw logs onto the fire of that desire….but in the reality of it, it was not the food I really wanted.  Had there been a bottle of cognac in the pantry, I would have chosen that over the food.  If there had been morphine in the drawer, I would have chosen that over the cognac.  I there had been______ in my hand, I would have chosen that over the morphine.  I just don’t know what that ultimate ______ is.  In the meantime, I seem stuck in the desire with stuff to deaden the desire for whatever it is.

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