Not sure if yesterday was tricky because of feeling sick, but I did catch myself last night being determined to buy white crusty rolls today and eat them with lots of thick butter. I laid in bed fantasizing about them. I imagined them all crusty and tender inside, the taste of the butter and cheese. I remember thinking that the last few times I binged, I made a note that the rolls were the best tasting of the binge and wondered why I just didn’t stick with that. So in my fantasy, I was willing to just have the rolls. Soon, ED started to slide in the idea of the caramel squares I also like. I stopped and asked myself why was I doing that? Here we go again!
It is as prompt as the evening news. One week of eating well and the sly ED is ready to woo me right back into a binge. When I think about it, it is really quite amazing how I can go from horrid regrets of making myself sick with too much food and then wanting it again the moment I feel better. There is a disconnect that I just don’t understand. It’s not logical to want to put myself through it again and again. I forced myself to place my hands on my abdomen to feel how massive it is. It is massive because I keep bingeing once or twice a week. Why do I not connect how my body looks to how and what I eat? Since I am not getting on the scale, I cannot connect the number with my eating. It suddenly occurred to me that in the past I was always connecting numbers to numbers. The number of calories or carbs to the number on the weigh scale. One set tried to change the other by re-arranging and constantly adjusting the numbers. Suddenly that sounds insane to me. It’s disconnected, too far away from the body and the mind, the very parts of me that are affected.
I am also disconnecting my eating experience from myself. I eat too fast. I eat apologetically, as though I have no right to eat anything, being this obese. I eat defensively, hoping no one (especially myself) will think me a glutton. What is this all about? I slowed down last night when I noticed it. I realised how nice the roasted carrot tasted and the leftover mince from the night before. The tikka masala paste had blossomed. My body instantly seemed to relax when I slowed down my eating. There is definitely a mind-body connection when I take a moment to notice it.
Did I spend 30+ years keeping my body and mind separate by disassociation? It’s always been on my mind, that when I finally get the weight off, I can like my body again. Until that time comes, it is something to loath and despise for being so ugly. It’s a temporary state of being. So temporary, it’s lasted over 30 years in various states if thinness and obesity. My body is ever changing. All this time I have tried to control it with formulas and numbers. What kind of craziness is that?
So, today, instead of filling my head with visions of eating rolls with butter, I will fill my head with a re-introduction of my body to my mind. My mind and body have been living together like a divorced couple! They use to live in harmony and now they barely acknowledge each other.
Porringer 1- 2 eggs, 2 rashers, 2 coffee with double cream
Porringer 2- half filled with plain yogurt
Porringer 3- 2 cumberlands, fresh tomato slices, cheese and double cream
Porringer 4- small amount of left over minced beef tikka masala mixture, roasted carrot with butter, 2 cumberlands, 1 glass of wine
2 coffee with double cream