Battles Won Without Victory

The illnesses seem to have faded enough for me to say today may be an okay kind of day.  As it is only 5am, it’s not a given quite yet.  No nausea, no pains, no digestion problems detected.

 

Yesterday was insane with the urge to binge.  I was fine the early part of the morning, writing in my journal, feeling confident.  I cannot say there was a specific trigger, nothing in particular happened to upset the balance.  But out of the blue, I had a strong compulsion to eat.  There was a feeling of anxiety in my stomach, not real hunger.  It felt as though I had to calm the anxiety, feed the beast.

 

Yesterday’s meals:
Porringer 1- 2 eggs, 2 rashers, 2 coffee with double cream
Porringer 2- 2 small pieces of cheese with butter, a salad of lettuce with homemade bleu cheese dressing
Porringer 3- kebab meat with fresh cucumber and onion slices, curry dressing
Porringer 4- plain yogurt (double the amount I usually eat, the porringer was completely filled)
Porringer 5- pork steak, cauliflower with butter, 1 glass of wine
2 coffee with double cream

3 pots of tea during the day

 

010 Porringer 2011Porringer 3

 

I thought number 2 was going to calm everything down.  It didn’t.  Then the insanity of needing more and fast, had me heating up the kebab right after the number 2, which made me feel more out of control.  It occurred to me I was in the middle of a binge even though the ED voice was trying to reassure me that it better to binge on real food than on grains and sugar.  The impulses were so strong about now that I began the contemplation of giving in, going to the shops to get the junk I usually binge on.  It was a pretty hefty fight going on for hours within me.  I needed to buy cream for our coffee, but so strong was the urge to binge, that I just stayed inside the flat and had husband pick some up on the way home from work.  This made me feel housebound, but safe.  This is not good.

 

When I stray, even slightly from my eating plan, it all unravels faster than I can control it.  I was able to prevent the carb binge, but I did not prevent the low carb binge.  I paused yesterday, recognising that a binge is a binge is a binge, the urge is the same.  It does not matter what the food is.  I need to remember NOT to think I am somehow protected by the aura of safe foods vs. unsafe foods.  No such thing when it comes to bingeing.  It’s the act that is the problem.

 

At what point does the eating plan disintegrate?  For me, it is when I eat in excess of the 3 meals a day plan.  This decision to appease an urge to eat when not hungry and NOT meal time is opening the door to the realm of bingeing.

 

 I never could control snacks like I can control a meal. 

 

It use to be the first 3 days that were so hard when coming off a binge, but it is now extending much longer.  Although I am now 8 days away from the last carb binge, it was a really rough go yesterday.  Another thing, is that for many years I really believed the hype about not having to worry about how much is eaten when eating low carb foods.  It is said in nearly all low carb writings that low carb is self regulating when it comes to eating.   I have to be careful not to let ED use this against me like it did yesterday.  My body really doesn’t know the score yet, and it is probably urging me to eat what it is use to getting along about now….the weekly carb binge. 

 

I did make some choices yesterday that helped me stay at least within the possibility of control even though it felt everything but.  I ate all of the food from the porringer.  Although I rarely confess, I told my husband of my wild urge to splurge on biscuits (I don’t use the word binge with him) and how I had to eat a lot of yogurt to offset it.  He understands, he goes through a similar urge it in the evenings.  While cooking dinner, I felt a camaraderie that we shared a weakness that we both seemed to overcome for the day.  At least it didn’t appear that he brought anything home for his own splurge, he must have set it aside from my mention of my own struggle.  But after dinner, after we settled down and his own struggle began, he went and pulled out a bag of candy and munched away.  I usually try to push these candy eating episodes he has out of my mind while they are happening, but last night I thought about how this takes hold of so many people and that I am certainly not alone with it.  And even with all I know and understand about the differences in people’s metabolism, I still feel envy over his ability to eat large meals AND candy and not gain weight.  I also admit I was envious that he felt no guilt eating in front of me when he knows how I struggle.   I admit that I wish not to have these petty feelings, it should not matter to me what others eat or why.  I make it an issue in my own head and create another negative thought I have to deal with.

 

004 Husband’s plate and my porringer.  I sat and looked at this yesterday morning while husband got dressed for work.  I usually sit and finish my coffee and give a thought about what to do with the day.  I kept looking at our plates, feeling resentment that he can eat as much as he does, but that wasn’t really the truth.  That is a relationship thing, not a food thing.  I really don’t want to eat more food.  He loves food and really enjoys it, I do not.  I often wish I didn’t have to eat at all.  Why I have such a strong compulsion to eat is that it is a surely a substitute for what I really want.  I tell my husband, if it came right down to it, it would be booze I would rather have than food, but I can’t stand getting drunk or the hangovers.  I stop there and don’t tell him that even the booze is a substitute for the desire for morphine, which is a substitute for feeling dreamy and floating.   

 

The envy I feel about my husband is in watching him grab what he wants and enjoying it without guilt.  Somewhere along the line, I developed disordered thinking about my needs and wants and it was easier to let weight and food be the culprit when it was not.  I believe women are taught to be obsessive about their bodies and their eating at a very early age.  It was much easier for me to blame my insecurities on being overweight and much easier to overeat than take drugs or drink to drown it out all the noise about it.  I have known this for a long time, but I still do not know what to do with it.  It’s still the major issue I deal with every day, unable to stop the whole thing, only able t
o manage it, keep it subdued as best as I can.

 

I made it through a tough battle yesterday, but I do not feel I have won.  My ED tells me that it is only a matter of time.

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