When I iron, as my chore today reminds me, I like how wrinkled fabric becomes smooth. It’s a lot of work to iron a basket full of clothing and linens and not at all difficult to procrastinate on starting. But when I see the results, when I feel how lovely the fabric becomes, I realize how the effort was worth it. There is nothing like freshly ironed fabric.
I mention this because I am using it as an analogy of smoothing that which is wrinkled. After I posted my last journal entry, I watched a video of a woman who is losing weight and it triggered me into checking my weight. Her excitement in losing another four pounds was egging me on. I wanted a reward for not going on a carb binge yesterday. I got on the scale to see I have gained more weight! I took a photos, checking the accuracy by moving the scale a couple of times and even trying the digital scale too. Of course, immediate panic set in, I MUST DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS IMMEDIATELY. Instant thoughts about stopping what I am doing and going back to calorie counting and getting my diet very strict to stop this manic gaining. I started to tick off in my head what I could eliminate from my diet, like the cream in my coffee or drop an egg at breakfast. I had to take an extra deep breath and stop the roll I was on.
All throughout my dieting life, the moment I thought something wasn’t working the way I wanted it to, I changed it. I felt I was being proactive in taking care of the problem as soon as it was conceived of. I spent so much time and effort in changing fat/carb/protein ratio’s or eliminating suspected intolerance foods or reducing calories or trying intermittent fasting or going high fat, or whatever suggestion someone else was trying and it seemed to work for them. I assumed the role of scientist, nutritionist and master of logic to make changes to my diet. I was going to control my weight no matter what it took and with fierce determination. I did it too, except bingeing kept getting in the way. I never really could figure out exactly what it took to lose weight except one very difficult way to exist….starvation. That always worked. If one doesn’t mind all the side effects and potential premature death, starvation does take off weight. I took 120 pounds off that way. I took off 88 pounds that way. The bingeing brought it back on. The extremes of living this way is exhausting.
I was constantly trying to smooth the (diet) wrinkles without understanding that a single tool like an iron works better than my hands which will soon become chafed the way I was going at it. To smooth the way to better eating management is to develop a simple workable plan of action and stay with that action as a constant home base. As I try to remind myself, my plan of action is not a weight loss method. It is meant to manage my eating everyday, not as a diet with a determined weight loss result requirement. I am determined to eat three meals from a porringer each day to gently and consistently guide my eating, not specifically to lose weight. So why did I weigh myself? What difference does it make what I weigh if I am not on a diet? It was like tumbling into the snake pit!
I push my thinking further. If I cannot stay within the realm of 3 meals a day, what makes me think what I am doing is working….and what does working really mean for me? Is weight loss the sole indicator of success? If I force myself to think rationally about this, the truth is that not bingeing is the true indication of success. To eat moderately and consistently is success. To not swing between consumption extremes is success. To have a sense of wellbeing and healthy vitality is a success.
To continue to smooth the (ED voice) wrinkles, I need to see that smoothness comes with keeping on top of the chore of it. A basket full of clothing needing ironing will not get done unless I pick up the first piece and do the work required. That unnecessary weigh in was a major wrinkle. I am still recovering from my last binge. I ate too much food yesterday. I had no valid reason to weigh myself, it merely set me up for a potential fall. Today, I see how important it is for me to stay on my plan. I cannot tell if my plan is working unless I stay on it. Some rocket scientist I am.