Yesterday certainly was a mixed bag of emotions. Nothing too extreme, but enough to cause me a bit of anxiety. The curtains for the bedroom came and I busied myself with that, a trial run at hanging them yesterday to check the length. I will have to hem and iron them today, but I am very pleased with them, they will block the cold coming from the windows this winter. Still, the aftertaste of the store clerk incident, the pressure of being in the shops and preventing a binge, the irritation that this is still a huge deal and not subsiding all left me exhausted and wishing to have a couple of martini’s (or 4).
Porringer 1- 2 eggs, 2 rashers
Porringer 2- duck pate, cucumber, cheddar cheese, bleu cheese
Porringer 3- plain yogurt
Porringer 4- minced beef, cauliflower, butter
Porringer 3 was my lunch. I don’t always fill the porringer to the top.
3 pots of tea
1 glass of wine
4 cups of coffee with 2 tsp. double cream in each
I struggled yesterday about the yogurt serving. It had nothing to do with hunger, even though my stomach complaining. Anxiety in my stomach feels like a big gapping exposed pit that yearns to be filled. Not only filled, but needing an overfill and might as well pack it tightly to prevent it from being ever exposed again! I stood there, in the kitchen, feeling the urge grow and the sensations in the stomach and personified it as a yearning pit. I was amazed that the stomach was experiencing an emotion! I felt I had to eat the yogurt or I was going to run screaming to the shops for teacakes. The yogurt did help soothe it, perhaps the coating action or something of the sort. But the ED (eating disordered) voice was ever present, and I caught myself looking at the clock throughout the afternoon, wondering if I had enough time to gorge on something (anything) before dinner and not feel sick. I did not act on it, but ED was there, alive and striving to find a weak spot in my determination.
This is my 10th day away from the last binge. ED is trying to find the weak spots in my vulnerability by attempting to convince me that there is never an end to this recovery period, that he will prevail in the end and that it is only a matter of time before I accept being obese as my fate and bingeing as my way of eating. ED has the smug luxury of waiting, as I struggle to keep a distance from him and panic over my continuous weight gain.
ED knows I feel vulnerable and uncomfortably exposed. ED knows how to push me into the teacake aisle at the shops, or whisper sweet names of delicacies in my ear when I least expect it. ED is stronger than I am and resides permanently inside me. I cannot slay this dragon, but I can keep him asleep. It takes a long time to get ED asleep, but I continue to hush the loud noises about binges, I continue to monitor how I feel and react and right now, I know the most important tool I have is the porringer. The porringer confounds ED. It doesn’t have any experience with it and that amuses me.
Lately my desire to have ED asleep is just keeping him wide awake. I am going about this with the wrong mind-set. Today, I will relax, stay with what I want to do and stop thinking about him. Thinking about him keep me anxious.
I have been mostly posting photo’s of my lunches because that is when I am alone and think of doing it. This is breakfast I make every morning before husband goes to work. His plate is in the back, warming from the pan in front of it. In the large cast iron skillet I have already cooked 4 rashers and 1 lorne, when it’s done, I place the lorne with 2 rashers on top of the sliced potatoes I made for husband. I cut the other two rashers up and place them in my porringer behind the large skillet to keep warm. I then cook 2 eggs each, we like them soft cooked. I suppose most people balk at the thought of a hot breakfast every morning, claiming they don’t have time, but this takes all of 15 minutes to prepare and 15 minutes to sit down and enjoy, so worth it to us. Now that I think of it, this meal doesn’t fill the porringer either. The only one really full is the dinner one and that is mostly because foods like cauliflower take up so much room.
At least I feel better on eggs and rashers than how I use to feel when eating…..