Irritations Swell, Nothing to Soothe them

Yesterday’s meals:
Porringer 1- 2 eggs, 2 rashers
Porringer 2- duck pate, cucumber, bleu cheese
Porringer 3- plain yogurt
Porringer 4- curry: kebab meat, meatballs, broccoli, carrot, onion, coconut milk, curry paste

Yesterday’s drinks:
3 pots of tea
1 + 1/2 glass of wine
4 cups of coffee with 2 tsp. double cream in each

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Had my lunch too early (10:30am) and then the yogurt soon followed.  Once again, it was not hunger driven but needed for whatever reason.  I can’t always sort it, it is what it is at times.  I wonder too, if I am just not eating enough for lunch.  I did not fill the bowl as pate and bleu cheese are so rich.

I managed another shop run without buying binge foods and I also managed to make it all the way until dinner time to eat again.  I noticed a sense of injustice swell inside me, when husband finished his glass of wine completely and I still had a half a glass, he tops mine off and pours a full one for himself.   I AM THE ONE THAT LOVES TO DRINK.  How did he rate to get more than me?  I felt a swell of anger about it, realised how petty I was being and took a deep breath and let it go.  He’s done this a couple of times, I think thoughtlessly on his part, but not intentionally trying to keep me from it.  It’s ironic that I restrict myself, but hate it when others restrict for me.  It is definitely a trigger for me to feel as though I am being denied something I really want, even if I know it is best that I don’t have it.  It’s probably more of a power issue in marriage than anything else.

Here is the curry hot pot I made last night.  It was a huge hit with husband.  I dished mine into the porringer sans the potatoes and I admit, it was pretty good and I did have a pretty high peak of food in my bowl. I did not take seconds and felt full and satisfied.

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I stayed up until midnight playing video games.  I realised that I managed to go 7 hours after dinner without eating anything else.  By morning it was 16 hours after my last meal and I felt pleasantly hungry.  I liked how that felt and so while smiling about that and making breakfast, I also thought about how much of a struggle this past week has been and how I was diligent in writing about it, looking at it, stopping it and here I am, surviving it all.  I was tempted to get on the scale again this morning, but stopped that too.  I can’t look for a result of good behaviour, what the scale may tell me has nothing to do with trying to stabilize my eating.  If I let all these little daily irritations build up then the scale gives me less than grand results, I throw in the towel in disgust and head back to bingeing.  Is that really worth it?  I need to feel the irritations and let them go, one by one.

If I have always used food as a soother, then I need to find a way to keep my feathers from getting so ruffled.  I noticed I was getting more irritated the more husband chattered on while I was writing here this morning.  It made me have to continual stop to listen to his chatter about housing prices in several countries so that I lost my train of thought while writing.  It’s weekend, he’s home and he’s internet searching for housing even though we are still five years away from buying.  We still have to decide which country we will retire to!  Weekends are a double edged sword for me, as I feel tensions rise a bit fitting the day in with a husband’s needs.  Dearly beloved, but still can get under my skin now and then.   It’s not his presence, its the continual distractions that having someone around brings.  I cook more, clean more, listen more, discuss more, etc. than when I am alone.

On the other hand, I will never binge in front of my husband, so it’s almost a wonderful release from the burden of even considering it.  I feel most normal about eating on the weekends. We sleep in and et breakfast 4 hours later than the weekday 4:30am.  So I don’t have the midmorning binge crazies anyways. This is not how it was for so many years….I now have no desire to eat in the evenings and I don’t binge on weekends.

Funny how that has all changed.  Bingeing has not stopped it’s incessant demands, but the timing of it has.  Makes me wonder how much of it is guided by circumstance and situations?  I am not a lush because we can’t afford the booze, I am not having vast and daily binges because the food budget is extremely tight.  My binges these days amount to about £3 a pop, usually grabbing the sales items and the cheapest items to fill up on.  Weird.

Oh well, best not to go there and dwell in those thoughts.  I have curtains to hem and a dress to finish knitting.

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