It is afternoon as I am writing today, long past the usual time. The whole day feels off and I am exhausted from who knows what.
Porringer 1- 2 eggs, 2 rashers
Porringer 2- jack maloney sausages, grated carrot
Porringer 3- minced beef, roasted carrot, roasted brussel sprouts, sautéed onion, 2T brown gravy
3 pots of tea
1 glass of wine
4 cups of coffee with 2 tsp. double cream in each
Two really weird things messed with my thinking yesterday. One, was that husband wanted treats early on in the day. He asked before leaving if I wanted anything from the bakery. I said no. He was in a playful mood and said he might bring something home for me anyways. I said it wasn’t necessary, I was fine without. I gave it no more thought until I saw that he had 2 fairly large wrapped packages of bakery items and something else in a bag. He said it was hard to decide, so he got several cakes. All day, they sat on the desk hidden in their wrapping and I thought about how I was going to have to deal with the whole thing at evening coffee. Lots of things went through my head, like going for it, denying it, and if I did eat them, regretting it. There wasn’t a huge pull towards it, because the second weird thing that happened is that my appetite finally hit zero. Ketosis has kicked in and I feel it.
Our local bakery.
When evening coffee time finally happened, I took a deep breath as I prepared my answer of a polite no and feeling a bit guilty since he obviously bought more than the usual two pieces of cake for himself. I felt he wanted to have a shared festive evening and while I was trying to make a desperate last minute decision, I saw that he simply pulled the packages closer to his computer, put his headphones on and began to eat. He wasn’t sharing! I was practically in shock. More in shock later, when he opened a bag of candy and ate that and my jaw dropped when he then made cheese and ryvita. This was right after eating a full dinner. What shocked me was that all of this would have been a binge for me and I never thought of what my husband eats as a binge. Did my husband just binge? My head wasn’t wrapping itself around this situation. I felt like I had been busted upside the head and asking wha’ happened?
I wasn’t sure what to make of it. Did I feel slighted and left out of the one person party? Did I feel relief that I did not have to go through the process of denying myself bakery cakes? Was I resentful? Was I wondering why husband was eating more than usual? A couple of days ago I would have really reacted badly to it all and probably ranted about it. Yesterday had such a weird aura to it and my appetite was so significantly down that I sort of let it all wash aside. What’s the big deal? So he eats and I don’t. I didn’t end up with a tummy ache later, nor did I fall into the pit of regret. I continued knitting and let it slide by me.