What just happened?
I honestly don’t know. It started out innocently enough. It’s cold here. We have 91 inch windows that help keep the room cold. After putting up woven curtains in the bedroom, we have noticed the room is warmer at night. I don’t want to block the view or the light from the lounge windows, so I started thinking about net curtains. I jumped on eBay to see the selections and that led to wanting to check the charity shops in case a miracle would happen and there would be 3 panels with at least a 91 inch drop. That’s the innocent part. I had no other intentions. I crossed the street to go to the last charity shop and saw that one of our food shops is gutted and they were putting up new tiles outside and the whole inside was gone. Just like that, no warning. We buy the majority of our food there and it put me into a panic. First, this was where I was planning to buy all the treats to send to my family for Christmas. That’s quashed. Second, there’s no groceries from there next week, they won’t re-open until the 6th. I felt a sort of panic, like there was suddenly an unexplained food shortage! Which was silly, there is another food shop a bit further down, more expensive, but we won’t starve.
But the feeling grew and I went down to the open food shop since there weren’t any curtains to be had at the charity shops. I had no need for groceries, but I went out of some bizarre need to buy something…anything. And of course, you know what this means…ED is along for the ride. In the pretence of checking the prices and availability of the biscuits I want to send, I started leaning towards a binge. I handled several items, carefully trying to decide, should I, or shouldn’t I?
Wow, after my morning writing, you’d think I was somehow wiser. Nope. I was on the threshold, decisions were being made, the binge plotted, the cost calculated. I had other, regular food items like cabbage, apples, cream and a few tins in my basket, but something really bothered me about all this. It wasn’t so much the binge itself that I didn’t want to do, it was that feeling that every time I walk into a food store is a potential binge. THAT really bothered me. Can’t I be a responsible adult and stop seeing the food store as a trap? I felt like a zombie, I put each food item in my basket back to their proper places. I did not have to buy any food TODAY, I have what I need for a couple of days more. I felt like I was outside myself, directing myself to walk out of the store empty handed. It was truly weird and I waited for the Twilight Zone music to play. I continued to walk back to the flat, like a woman in a trance and I did not feel happy that I did not binge, in fact, I admit to feeling let down and sad. I threw the baby out with the bath. I came home empty handed and all was for naught. I know I should feel great about it, but it feels like a loss somehow.