Still have the little rain cloud above my head. Lots of minor and petty annoyances cluttering up my tiny world. Isolation has a way of making a person’s world so small that every detail is magnified. Writing in this blog magnifies my eating under a microscope.
I noticed that I could not be bothered with the supposed success of averting yet another binge yesterday. I tried thinking of it before I went to sleep, hoping for the little glow of having made it give me a smile, but it would not stick in my mind, I was not interested. I wonder why? I tried to get in tune with the body as I laid there, I felt fine, no hunger, no fullness, no interest or thoughts about food, eating, struggles with binge thoughts….nothing. Is this what normal people feel? No attachments to eating food? I am not sure what I am trying to put under a microscope anymore. I guess as long as I hear ED’s voice, I need to stay aware.
I dreamed that one of my childhood dolls was undergoing a face change. I had to place her in a basket and someone was picking her up during the night and somehow updating her face. I noted it was vinyl and mused that probably they would heat the head up and reshape it. A man that was my lover for several years (a long time ago) appeared in my dream and I was telling him how badly I wanted a bottle of vodka and told him how I was going to try and find a way to sneak one in under the wire. He smiled. He was a cop, I guess he was going to let me get away with it.
Strange dream, I don’t like vodka.
Porringer number 3
Porringer 1- 2 eggs, 2 rashers
Porringer 2- duck pate, bleu cheese crumbles
Porringer 3- Soup: 2 1/2 cumberland sausages, broth, grated carrot, double cream
Porringer 4- minced beef, cauliflower, butter, 2T brown gravy
3 pots of tea
1 glass of wine
4 cups of coffee with 2 tsp. double cream in each