Still have the little rain cloud above my head.  Lots of minor and petty annoyances cluttering up my tiny world.  Isolation has a way of making a person’s world so small that every detail is magnified.  Writing in this blog magnifies my eating under a microscope. 

I noticed that I could not be bothered with the supposed success of averting yet another binge yesterday.  I tried thinking of it before I went to sleep, hoping for the little glow of having made it give me a smile, but it would not stick in my mind, I was not interested.  I wonder why?  I tried to get in tune with the body as I laid there, I felt fine, no hunger, no fullness, no interest or thoughts about food, eating, struggles with binge thoughts….nothing.  Is this what normal people feel?  No attachments to eating food?  I am not sure what I am trying to put under a microscope anymore.  I guess as long as I hear ED’s voice, I need to stay aware.

I dreamed that one of my childhood dolls was undergoing a face change.  I had to place her in a basket and someone was picking her up during the night and somehow updating her face.  I noted it was vinyl and mused that probably they would heat the head up and reshape it.  A man that was my lover for several years (a long time ago) appeared in my dream and I was telling him how badly I wanted a bottle of vodka and told him how I was going to try and find a way to sneak one in under the wire.  He smiled.  He was a cop, I guess he was going to let me get away with it.

Strange dream, I don’t like vodka.


Porringer number 3

Yesterday’s meals:
Porringer 1- 2 eggs, 2 rashers
Porringer 2- duck pate, bleu cheese crumbles
Porringer 3- Soup: 2 1/2 cumberland sausages, broth, grated carrot, double cream
Porringer 4- minced beef, cauliflower, butter, 2T brown gravy

Yesterday’s drinks:
3 pots of tea
1 glass of wine
4 cups of coffee with 2 tsp. double cream in each


One thought on “Microbial

  1. ephemeralana says:

    its always interesting to notice dreams. I tend to have nightmares. though sometimes I don’t remember any of my dreams. have heard of lucid dreaming but not sure I’d want to do that. its great you have not been binging. its a hard cycle to break I’ve heard.

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