Empty Spaces

I didn’t get a chance to finish my thoughts on the last post, I had to run an errand in order to make soup for husband’s lunch and didn’t want to leave the post visible on my computer.

What I was aiming at, was that there is so much more to any attempt to gain control over eating issues than just having rules in place.  The porringer helps me understand limits and boundaries, three meals help me regulate eating through the day, but what do I do when things get turned upside down?  How to have a rule in place for the times when nothing makes sense?  What would that rule be?

From Alice in Wonderland:

alice falling

Either the well was very deep, or she fell very slowly, for she had plenty of time as she went down to look about her and to wonder what was going to happen next. First, she tried to look down and make out what she was coming to, but it was too dark to see anything; then she looked at the sides of the well, and noticed that they were filled with cupboards and book-shelves; here and there she saw maps and pictures hung upon pegs. She took down a jar from one of the shelves as she passed; it was labelled ‘ORANGE MARMALADE’, but to her great disappointment it was empty: she did not like to drop the jar for fear of killing somebody, so managed to put it into one of the cupboards as she fell past it.

This is how I feel.  When there is something outside my comfort zone going on and I am unsure how to react, I take on a very neutral mind-set waiting for whatever happens next.  I reach for the marmalade jar, because even in the worst of topsy-turvey situations I firmly believe food will help somehow.  It is something to do while waiting for something to happen.

Beyond what the situation is, beyond what I need to do, lies this waiting period that I have always filled with food. Empty Spaces.  They need filling, don’t they?  I had not prepared myself to have a something in place to hold onto when things fall apart.

While husband made coffee last night, I realized that the cupboard full of teacakes and biscuits and chocolates was there for the taking.  I have always either had a few drinks or binged to drown out the rising emotions.  I saw the inevitable start to unfold.  I did not need ED to speak up, I was already ahead of him.  This was my own voice.  I am upset, I have an excuse to say what the hell and eat until I can not eat anymore.  Not 48 hours since I became violently sick from drinking and eating, I am thinking of it again as though the incident never happened.  I stopped myself from continuing the thoughts.  I took the smallest packet of chocolate dots, probably the equivalent of 3 Hershey’s kisses sliced thinly and had that with my coffee as a peace offering to myself.  It was my way of putting the marmalade jar back on the shelf.  If I binge now, the depth and darkness of the well will be eternal.

Down, down, down. There was nothing else to do, so Alice soon began talking again. ‘Dinah’ll miss me very much to-night, I should think!’ (Dinah was the cat.) ‘I hope they’ll remember her saucer of milk at tea-time. Dinah my dear! I wish you were down here with me! There are no mice in the air, I’m afraid, but you might catch a bat, and that’s very like a mouse, you know. But do cats eat bats, I wonder?’ And here Alice began to get rather sleepy, and went on saying to herself, in a dreamy sort of way, ‘Do cats eat bats? Do cats eat bats?’ and sometimes, ‘Do bats eat cats?’ for, you see, as she couldn’t answer either question, it didn’t much matter which way she put it. She felt that she was dozing off, and had just begun to dream that she was walking hand in hand with Dinah, and saying to her very earnestly, ‘Now, Dinah, tell me the truth: did you ever eat a bat?’ when suddenly, thump! thump! down she came upon a heap of sticks and dry leaves, and the fall was over.

And isn’t that just the way it is?  In difficult situations, we really don’t always have the answers and it doesn’t really matter.  It will end and be done with someday.  In the meantime, I am falling and I will keep my eyes open and see what there is to see of it.  Food won’t help.

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