Porringer 1- 2 eggs, 2 rasher, 2 cups coffee with double cream
Porringer 2- soup: chicken, broth, carrot, turnip + 2 oatcakes with butter and cheddar cheese, pot of tea
Porringer 3- minced beef, brussel sprouts, onion, brown gravy, 1 glass wine
2 cups coffee with double cream, very small packet chocolate dots
I am not really altogether present. I float on the waves of sadness and numbness. Not sure what to feel on my grandmothers death. Not sure what to make of what I go through and why it all gets tangled up emotionally.
I would be one of those people who don’t show grief. It’s unthinkable to me to display uncontrolled emotions. It is why I abused food. I stuffed the emotions down as deep as could be. Stuffed and stuffed. I never wanted to purge, that would be like unstopping the plug. What happens when I don’t use food in that manner? I have no answer. I really don’t know what to do. There’s no plug, there’s nothing to weigh down the emotions.
I try to let them come out on their own. Trying a Zen approach, I step back and become the observer of myself. This disconnects me from the emotion and lets it pass by like a stranger. Should I not be crying? I cried over not being able to send Christmas presents. I felt anger. Today, I feel nothing. I feel lost that I don’t feel loss. Does that make sense?