Floating

Sunday’s Meals:
Porringer 1- 2 eggs, 2 rasher, 2 cups coffee with double cream
Porringer 2- soup: chicken, broth, carrot, turnip + 2 oatcakes with butter and cheddar cheese, pot of tea
Porringer 3- minced beef, brussel sprouts, onion, brown gravy,  1 glass wine
2 cups coffee with double cream, very small packet chocolate dots

I am not really altogether present.  I float on the waves of sadness and numbness.  Not sure what to feel on my grandmothers death.  Not sure what to make of what I go through and why it all gets tangled up emotionally.

I would be one of those people who don’t show grief. It’s unthinkable to me to display uncontrolled emotions.  It is why I abused food.  I stuffed the emotions down as deep as could be.  Stuffed and stuffed.  I never wanted to purge, that would be like unstopping the plug.  What happens when I don’t use food in that manner?  I have no answer.  I really don’t know what to do.  There’s no plug, there’s nothing to weigh down the emotions. 

I try to let them come out on their own.  Trying a Zen approach, I step back and become the observer of myself.  This disconnects me from the emotion and lets it pass by like a stranger.  Should I not be crying?  I cried over not being able to send Christmas presents.  I felt anger.  Today, I feel nothing.  I feel lost that I don’t feel loss.  Does that make sense?

ladyinlake

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