Christmas seems to be falling apart and I am losing ground to it. Not being able to afford to send my family the presents I bought, my Grandmother’s death…….and today, the Christmas present I bought for my husband arrived and he opened the door to the postman and saw what it was. He normally would have been at work and I would have been able to hide it and surprise him with it. He looked at me funny, as though he could not understand why I was buying myself the item, which was clearly marked with a picture and brand name on the box. I felt there was no point in making him wait for it, so I let him open it and have it. I was furious that the surprise of the only gift I could afford to give him is now known and I have nothing to put under the tree.
I had to go to the surgery to register and the whole way there, I just cried. I am ultra sensitive right now. Christmas is my favourite holiday and it is just not happening. I can’t see the point of decorating.
I want to binge. I stopped on the way back to pick up potatoes and cabbage for dinner, bought my husband a spinach pizza as a treat for lunch and felt like grabbing food to cram into my mouth. I bought frankfurters for my lunch, trying to stop the carb creep but when I ate them, I felt angry. Even though Friday was so wretched with the port I drank, I now want booze too. Or at least the idea of it, I certainly don’t want to feel sick.
Just a few minutes ago, my mother called, she told me how lonely Christmas will be this year and her voice was so sad. I didn’t know what to say because of my own mood, I didn’t want to break down and cry or say something to upset her further.
Husband says he will go to work tomorrow, maybe I ought to just have a damn bursting cry and let it all out after he leaves. Or maybe, I will binge.