I really hate acknowledging that I am back here in the recovery period once again. It feels like I am unbalanced and I need to find that equilibrium I feel comfort in. At least I am not in the war zone, just on the outside edge of it. I do feel the carb muck though. Damn it.
Husband finished off the last of the Christmas goodies (the ones I had bought for family presents and could not afford to mail) last night and I was so relieved to know they were finally gone and our cupboard is healthy again. He commented on the fact we can’t seem to leave anything in the house of this nature alone, but when I thought about it, it was not necessarily true. This time around, we had those goodies for more than a day or two. They lasted 12 days! And as I mentioned yesterday, each day I ate a reasonable amount and not anything related to a binge. Still, the carb muck has caused me illness once again. I hate how this feels.
I have to be careful though before thinking I ought to pat myself on the back for keeping reason present, because this is the slippery slope of an eating disorder. It is false illusions of grandeur. I was heading straight to the hell pit, it was only a matter of time. For those of us with disorder thinking about food, it is no different than an alcoholic having a bottle of wine and thinking they are in control because they used to drink 4 in one sitting. I was not having 2 biscuits with tea, I was having 6 and that deludes me into thinking I am eating normally.
It’s a self depreciating joke, thinking we are cured of the desire for excess just because we exercised a modicum of control in one particular moment. Those moments do shift and change in circumstances. The next moment may open the gapping hole wider and another bottle is reached for and we drown ourselves trying to fill the hole that cannot be filled. Whether food or booze or drugs, we will never have more than a modicum of control and it cannot last forever. Addiction doesn’t happen to just vanish over night no matter how badly we want it to. It is always present within. Always there waiting for another chance to bring us back to the hell hole of excess. The only thing we can control 100% is not taking the first bite, sip or hit of the substance that takes us down that path.
But changes are happening. I am routinely experiencing a delay between the urge and the consumption which helps me chose to stop before consuming. There is a longer process to the point of an actual binge. The pleasure factor is no longer present, not even slightly. That lure is broken. I certainly cannot consume what I use to be able to (thank you porringer for that!). That is definitely a life saver for me right now. I get sick sooner and on smaller amounts. But I also know that it is a matter of time before I slip back into the ability to consume larger and more frequent quantities. I am quicker to respond to the need to return to feeling better than ever before, but I understand that I will never be cured.
I am also returning to managed eating without dieting even those I still fight the intense urge to fix my problem with a weight loss diet. I caught myself considering whether to use my diet software again when I was checking my overall balance of food intake yesterday. I had to take a deep breath and remind myself that once I know the general intake amounts, I have an idea of where I am at with nutrients and I can then proceed from there. I do not need to monitor every bite, weigh every morsel because I eat the same foods and the same amounts every day. Changing up the meat or the veggies will not matter. Too much reliance on numbers makes for disordered thinking about food. Been there millions of times, I know where it leads.
I expect this recovery period to take about 2 weeks, or basically to the end of the year. While this is about the most difficult time of year to manage eating, I think with a few wise selections I can be perfectly happy with the season’s offerings and not set up my other nemesis, deprivation. We have no parties to attend to, we have no family dinners to deal with, we are just home alone and I can provide good healthy meals and we can limit the treats to the Irish whisky’s and I plan on making marzipan pigs for the rice porridge gifts (our Danish tradition). In the meantime, it is back to managed eating.