Blue Note

Porringer 1 – 2 eggs, 2 rashers, 2 demitasse coffee with 3 teaspoons of double cream
Porringer 2 – plain yogurt, full fat, pot of tea
Porringer 3 –  minced beef, pot of tea
Porringer 4 – 1 glass wine, chicken breast, peppers, tomatoes, pesto
Evening coffee – 2 demitasse coffees with 3 teaspoons of cream

It’s getting a bit emotional under the skin.  I went to look for an old photo on the external hard drive and found my daughter’s baby and childhood photo’s, which led me to fixing many of the ones that I had scanned and were faded and off colour.  That led to going through far more photo’s than I planned, and that had my stomach in knots by the end of the day.  I felt an wretched pain of missing my family and of loss, the passing of time and so on.  I later tried to cheer myself up a bit by watching vintage Christmas DVD’s, but the knitting project was not working, causing me to have to rip it up several times with a re-do, and my frustrations soon overwhelmed me.  Negativity gathered and I started having those awful thoughts like, can’t knit, can’t see my family, can’t buy Christmas presents, can’t eat teacake, can’t drink……….poor pitiful me.

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I went to bed and cleared the head mumblings until I fell asleep.  Today?  I don’t know.  Husband is off of work.  I did some cleaning and a load of laundry, cooked the breakfast and feel like crying.  ED isn’t bothering me, I don’t have the slightest desire to binge but I sure wish I could have a hot buttered rum or a white russian, something soothing and pleasant.  I don’t have any desire to get drunk, I just desire soothingness.  Yes, I like to make up words, it drives my spellcheck crazy.

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One thought on “Blue Note

  1. ephemeral says:

    its hard to feel down. I hope you feel better tomorrow.

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