Two Binges, One Good Day Before the World Ends

Behind again….

Wednesday:

Porringer 1 – 2 eggs, 2 rashers, 2 cups coffee with 4 teaspoons of double cream
Binge  -3 rolls with cheddar cheese and butter, 4 eccles cakes, 1 battered fish fillet, single serving chips, pot of tea
Porringer 2- pork steak, brussel sprouts, 1 glass wine
Evening coffee – 2 cups coffees with 4 teaspoons of cream

As expected, I felt sick all day. Way too much binge food. I had wanted those stupid eccles cakes and I regretted them.  I thought they were solid bready kind of teacake, but they had a solid filling of raisins that was ungodly sweet.  Nope.  Didn’t stop me from eating all of them though…I have to say ED was prevailing today.

Thursday:

Porringer 1 – 2 eggs, 2 rashers, 2 cups coffee with 4 teaspoons of double cream
Binge – large bag of popcorn, whole sponge cake with cream filling, pot of tea
Porringer 2 – pasta, meatballs, tomato sauce, 1 glass wine
Evening coffee – 2 cups coffees with 4 teaspoons of cream

While not as dense in sugar and grains as yesterday’s binge, it was still a worthless thing to do, to consume that much.  The triggers have been strong, as I have been delving deep into my daughter’s childhood photo’s and seeing them have brought many tears.  I also posted some photo’s of her trying on wedding dresses, ten years ago and that made me feel so emotional too.  Her wedding anniversary is on New Years Eve.  I have been thinking of her so much lately.  I miss her.

I didn’t grab food to drown it all out, I think this time the food was more of a crutch, a way to distract myself into a comforting state of mind.  I didn’t want to stop thinking about it, I just wanted to not feel so intensely wound up.  I would have much rather had a drink.

I didn’t want to feel as sick as I ended up feeling yesterday, so I chose lighter binge foods.  The cake was a very small one (compared to American cakes, I think perhaps 6 inches across) with nothing but sponge cake and a thin layer of cream in the middle.  The popcorn surprised me, as it was called movie theatre kind, sweet and salty but it was nothing like American sweet and salty, it was so bland I had to add extra salt and the sweetness barely perceptible.  It proves to me how much sugar and salt Americans use compared to the UK.  I prefer the UK’s small portions and lighter use of sugar.  The candy is even better tasting and not so intensely sweet.

Still, with all that, I am getting back into the bingeing mode and need to take a deep breath and move back into the correct balance.  Even with Christmas, that can be achieved.

Today:

Porringer 1 – 2 eggs, 2 rashers, 2 cups coffee with 4 teaspoons of double cream
Porringer 2 – cheddar cheese with butter, pot of tea
Porringer 3 – plain yogurt, full fat, pot of tea
Porringer 4 – 1 glass wine, chicken breast, broccoli and butter
Evening coffee – 2 cups coffees with 4 teaspoons of cream

Today the world is suppose to end, but I hope I get my doctor’s appoint done first.

I caught myself in the clutches of the the big DIET thinking again, partly because that always comes after a binge, it is ALWAYS part of the cycle.  But also because of the new year approaching and all that nonsense about resolutions.  I started looking at the nutritional software I have on my computer and wondered what it would be like to have 365 perfect eating days monitored and a loss of 6 stone recorded.  While it sounds so appealing in an abstract way, what I am doing is completely ignoring the reality that there is no room in my happy equation for the reality of the obsession of it all.  All the hours poured over the numbers, the stress of the scale not moving down fast enough, the weighing of every morsel to be sure the calorie count is right, all THAT garbage that holds the mind in a dark restricted prison and takes away from the enjoyment of life.  And the worst of it is the ED voice that grows stronger and more dangerous because he’s got a battle to win, one that I am sure to lose because I have set myself up to fight that which I cannot win without it taking every breathing moment of guarded resistance out of me.  Oh, yeah, I really want to go through THAT for the millionth time!

So if the world ends today, I be damned to be taken out standing there weighing broccoli on a food scale.  I’d rather be smiling and thinking of those I love so dearly.  Like my beautiful daughter…..

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3 thoughts on “Two Binges, One Good Day Before the World Ends

  1. tenuosity says:

    I’m sorry things got tough for you. If the world does end, please know you had a friend across an ocean who always thought highly of your honesty and your ability to find a metaphor to help you understand the demons in your mind. They always helped me.

    If, however, the world continues on, remember always tomorrow comes. I stand on the edge of temptation right now too. I have a tough choice to make. My wife has already decided she’s going to binge on Christmas — rolls, baked potato, probably dessert — but she knows what the consequences are and what the penalty will be. She’s prepared to take the long, long road back to health after the cheat. I don’t seem to be able to get there. I can’t just jump off the cliff so easily as she can. The last time I did cheat, it cost me two weeks. It took a full ten days to lose back the weight I gained in a single weekend of eating off-diet. Ridiculous.

    Do I want to spend the first ten days of my new year trying to lose back weight I gained over Christmas? Do I really want to just stay the course, weighing my food and futzing over number of grams and proportions, so I can continue to maintain my progress, and miss out on all the joy food brings this time of year? It has so much special meaning. My birthday follows immediately after Christmas. A loaf of sourdough bread, a bottle of good red wine, sharp, white cheddar cheese, black grapes for lunch? A steak and twice-baked potato for dinner? A cupcake as a celebratory dessert for my birthday?

    Ferrer Roche for Christmas treat? I’ve done so every year when I had work for many years. Now?

    Oh, the temptations! I have to pass on food almost every month at work. I have to watch the children eat as they want, what they want, as much as they want, and all I can do is wish I could do that too. Again. Like I used to when I was young.

    Ah, well. I hope you find peace in your holidays, and know I’m out there rootin’ for you! 🙂

    Merry Christmas if we don’t talk again!

    • Every single year well before Christmas I am sure I know what I will do and be happy with it. Then it changes and it’s always a difficult thing to deal with, should I or shouldn’t I? Hindsight, forsight, yes, no….on it goes. I rarely do Christmas (or any of the holidays exactly as I would want because others are involved. That means other influences and desires to take into account. I constantly fight the notion that perhaps way too much is put into the thinking of all this than is necessary.

      Glad you found me, I wasn’t sure if I was going to keep this blogging thing alive, but with the new year coming, maybe I need another kick in the rear.

  2. ephemeral says:

    sorry to hear about your binges. hope the doc appt goes ok. I think things are harder when we have emotions running high. its hard to be missing family. I think the holidays make us think about this stuff more.

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