Fear Induces Weirdness

Wednesday’s Meals:

Porringer 1- 2 eggs, 2 rashers, 2 cup coffee with 4 tsp double cream
Porringer 2- pot of tea, variety of cheeses and salami
Porringer 3&4- glass of wine, minced beef, cauliflower with  butter (whole porringer full)

Evening coffee- 2 cup coffee with 4 tsp double cream, 2 humbugs
1 whisky

It was going to be a trial coming off the holiday foods and moods and swing into eating regular foods and begin the 3 meals a day thing.  Husband failed by 9am and I ended the day with humbugs and whisky, both of which I did not need, nor felt a pull towards, but you know, that ED thing prevails, where there is just a bit left and wanting to be done with it.  I did not like the mind-set of it, I could have put the last shot of whisky back in the cupboard and thrown the 2 pieces of candy left in the bin.  I sort of enjoyed it and did not feel it was worthy of being called anything negative like a binge.  I note that I am still not liking to drink as I did before, as soon as I was done, I felt yucked by it.

It’s been raining and the mood sort of listless between us.  He is slyly mentioning jobs he finds on the net, as though he were job hunting for himself and it becomes an opportunity to push me into acknowledging it.  He was looking out the window, a lady who uses carers walked by, he makes a comment that they appear to be new carers and asks in the most innocent possible voice ”isn’t that what you are interested in doing?”  I took a deep breath and told him one needs to be certified.

Dinner conversation is getting tense for me, as he will start talking about moving closer to his job to save money, or make a comment about the rise in transportation costs and how he doubts there is much work for him at his age in Denmark, all which have the intended affect of making me squirm in my seat, the subject of JOBS ever so present.  I could stomp the whole thing by just saying I will start looking for work once the holidays are over, but something in me refuses to respond to the pushing.  I will do it in my own time and I do not want to have to report back to him or get advice about it or deal with having to tell him of all the rejections I will be getting.  I bought a 2013 calendar to mark all of my applications in and if he gets out of hand I can throw it at him.  There is no need for me to be feisty about it all, but the feelings of resentment are brewing.

He is struggling to get back on his eating regime and I am aware that I need to be gentle and kind and as supportive as I can be without mothering.   Both of us are feeling a bit on edge, so much rain, darkness and the end of the holidays are surely affecting us.  I hear him sighing often knowing he returns to work tomorrow and I sigh each time I have to prepare meals or wash dishes, the tumultuous 2012 is now done and in some ways, I think it is harder for husband to not have active planning to do. 

Thursday’s Meals:

Porringer 1- 2 eggs, 2 rashers, 2 cup coffee with 4 tsp double cream
Porringer 2- pot of tea, pork cracklings, raw peanuts
Porringer 3- various cheeses, salami, hot cocoa
Porringer 4- glass of wine, 2 cumberlands, brussel sprouts
Evening coffee- 2 cup coffee with 4 tsp double cream, 2 humbugs

Yesterday I got a call from the clinic that said an appointment had been cancelled and if I wanted it, it was the next morning (today) at 9am.  I said yes before I found out it was at a hospital in another town I have not been to before and it is a significantly large town.  I looked at the bus routes, figured that two buses would be needed and since I have no visual reference point of having been in that town, I called a car hire and decided to go with it even though it was so expensive.  Then I got another call a couple of hours later and was told I did not qualify for NHS care, and I demanded to know why.  The receptionist said I had to be employed to receive care, and I asked, what if I was retired?  Does that mean I would never receive health care again?  She had to check on that.  So after a few phone calls, she called back to say it was a mistake and I do qualify.  In the meantime, of course I am livid and wasted a good 4 hours of my day being upset FOR NO REASON.  Gads.

Of course, it got husband all worked up and he looked up the requirements and printed it out that as a legal resident, I am indeed qualified and told me to fold it and stick it in my purse in case I needed it.  I decided to break the ice with the working situation as I could not stand any more stress.  I handed him the calendar to see my job hunting notes.  I had applied for 7 jobs yesterday and wrote them down.  He was pleased.  So now that stupid thing between us is out in the open.  I will have to tell him tonight though, that it cost about £20 for me to get to and from the hospital, but I really need this appointment with a specialist and if I have to go again, I will at least have a better sense of where it is and will attempt to take a bus.  He is stressed about money, so I am not looking forward to telling him I cost £20 today, his unemployed expensive wife. 

In all my stress yesterday, I felt the overwhelming urge to binge.  It was like I suddenly did not have control and that is when Ed swooped in to reassure me that I surely didn’t.  He urged and urged me.  I quickly ate low carb foods, with two small transgressions into mild sweetness with low sugar cocoa and 2 hard candies.  It helped soothe without a high cost, but ED was whispering in my ear, go to the shops, splurge, go ahead….  However, by evening, I was so spent from the day, that I swore (or maybe it was all ED) that I would binge the next day to my hearts content, cancelling the appointment to deal with another day.  I think it was mostly because I do fear the results of the appointment and this was an easy out to postpone it.  But before I fell asleep, I talked myself back to reason, I now have health care, so use it to stay healthy.  Sheesh.  Relax, calm down, breathe.

I won’t be able to take car hire’s every time I get a job interview, so I will have to learn the bus system.  I only know how to get to the city centre of Glasgow at this point.  It’s intimidating.  I use to be so adventurous, now I feel fear doing anything outside my comfort zone.  How strange. Sometimes the fear makes everything seem odd and out of sorts, like this photo.  This is how I feel in Scotland right now. 

Gilbert Kerr, bagpiper, with penguin Photographed by William Speirs Bruce during the Scottish National Antarctic Expedition, 1902-04


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