Still feeling slightly headachy, pain in the small back, mild nausea. My insides are disturbed and I may have been too heavy on the fats before it was ready to handle it. It was easy to stick to the three porringers yesterday and I think it helped me feel slightly better today. I think for awhile, I will switch to having yogurt for lunch and see if that helps get the intestinal bugs back in the right balance.
I think the slight improvement I feel this morning is because I ate less yesterday. I really like how that feels, not to be starving, but to feel less burdened by food. I thought about those with bulimia, how they eat until so stuffed they feel a need to purge. I can eat to the point of pain, but I cannot stand the purging part, I merely slept it off when I was more actively bingeing. Back then, I used bingeing as a coma inducing method of avoidance. It pushed me into sleeping. I think that is also why I ate so much right before bedtime so many years ago. I’d even eat in bed, it was a favourite thing to do, read and eat. I am so far away from that now. Being married has changed my habits dramatically.
I keep catching myself saying ”I need to make a decision…” about some sort of food. It’s one of the many lies the ED voice likes to use. It sounds so official, like I am taking charge of a problem and about to solve it. I see it as the illusion of waving a magic wand and POOF, the problem vanishes permanently, never to return. Making a decision about something means nothing unless enforced. Enforced means working it, doing it, causing it to match the intention…..every single time. This morning, I thought the same old familiar ”I should make a decision about sugar”. It would make me feel in control of my eating disorder if I could make a rule and that rule would prevent the event from happening. So if I said firmly, ”no more sugar in any form” then that would take care of the problem. Where I falter in this, is believing the rule has the finality of a direct order from a supreme authority, it cannot be broken. Within a short period of time, I defy the order. I break the rule. Did I not create the rule of three porringers a day, and then promptly break it?
This stuff drives me crazy. I have to keep swinging it around to the light and looking at it. The ways my mind works around food and eating is so deeply ingrained that I don’t always catch the ED voice. It’s too smooth, too soothing, too familiar to notice it is killing me. Sleeping with the enemy. I often think I am in control and often it proves just how in control it is.
Still, there is a ray of feeling better today. I will go and get some yogurt, give my insides something to work with and see if a hot water bottle will help the lower back, and find something to do to ease the day through the paces.
Porringer 1- 2 eggs, 2 rashers, 2 coffee with double cream
Porringer 2- half filled with plain yogurt
Porringer 3- 2 small minced beef patties with sautéed onion, roasted carrot with butter, 1 glass of wine
2 coffee with double cream, 3 chocolates