Another Day

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Same lunch for two days.

Today, I limited it to one oatcake with butter and cheese and opted for liver pate and a soft boiled egg for lunch.  I can already feel this oat thing could become a habit and I do not need that kind of habit right now.

Everything is fine otherwise.  No binges, no particular struggles.  Lots of numb feelings which I hope to shake off soon.  Husband is home sick today, so perhaps tomorrow I can get out of the house and take a walk to break up the day a bit.  Hope he gets better soon and desperately hope he doesn’t share the cold with me!

Monday’s Meals:
Porringer 1- 2 eggs, 2 rasher, 2 cups coffee with double cream
Porringer 2- soup: chicken, broth, carrot, turnip + 2 oatcakes with butter and cheddar cheese, pot of tea
Porringer 3- cottage pie: minced beef, carrots, turnips, gravy topped with potato mash & cheese,  1 glass wine
2 cups coffee with double cream

I still can’t believe I made 6 loaves of rye bread and it did not spark a binge. 

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Floating

Sunday’s Meals:
Porringer 1- 2 eggs, 2 rasher, 2 cups coffee with double cream
Porringer 2- soup: chicken, broth, carrot, turnip + 2 oatcakes with butter and cheddar cheese, pot of tea
Porringer 3- minced beef, brussel sprouts, onion, brown gravy,  1 glass wine
2 cups coffee with double cream, very small packet chocolate dots

I am not really altogether present.  I float on the waves of sadness and numbness.  Not sure what to feel on my grandmothers death.  Not sure what to make of what I go through and why it all gets tangled up emotionally.

I would be one of those people who don’t show grief. It’s unthinkable to me to display uncontrolled emotions.  It is why I abused food.  I stuffed the emotions down as deep as could be.  Stuffed and stuffed.  I never wanted to purge, that would be like unstopping the plug.  What happens when I don’t use food in that manner?  I have no answer.  I really don’t know what to do.  There’s no plug, there’s nothing to weigh down the emotions. 

I try to let them come out on their own.  Trying a Zen approach, I step back and become the observer of myself.  This disconnects me from the emotion and lets it pass by like a stranger.  Should I not be crying?  I cried over not being able to send Christmas presents.  I felt anger.  Today, I feel nothing.  I feel lost that I don’t feel loss.  Does that make sense?

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Off Monday

Not a good start to the day and I am confounded as to why.  Lower back ache, arthritic hip, unknown exhaustion and a queasiness.  This brings on irritation.  I strongly felt it this morning while husband made all his usual loud noises and it was grating on my nerves.  One moment I felt I was going to snap, the next he’s leaving out the door and I feel like holding him and not letting go.

Yesterday’s meals:
Porringer 1- 2 eggs, 2 rashers
Porringer 2- plain whole fat yogurt
Porringer 3- curry: chicken breast, carrot, onion, tikka masala paste, coconut milk, parsley, fresh basil

Yesterday’s drinks:
3 pots of tea
1 glass of wine
4 cups of coffee with 2 tsp. double cream in each

I finished up a knitting project and did some ironing, made a loaf of bread and about keeled over in massive exhaustion.  I had to lay down and sleep for an hour and that didn’t revive me at all and I fell into a very deep sleep.  I hope being out last Saturday night isn’t bringing on another illness.  Here is the town hall and the Christmas tree.

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Santa was there too!

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Here is the back of the town hall from our window on a foggy morning.

We had the local lighting of the town Christmas tree and the fabulous fireworks display over the town hall.  We live right behind the town hall and now realise that we could have just watch from our window or stand outside our door to see them, which we will definitely do next year.  But this time we herded with most of the town’s people to the high street area and it took 45 minutes for the fireworks and tree lighting to start.  We were freezing in the bitter cold and were prevented from returning home as the whole area was blocked to keep anyone from getting hurt with the fireworks fallout.  With heavy coat, gloves and a scarf, I was shivering and my toes and fingers got numb.  It was unpleasant standing and waiting, as this was our first year doing this, we did not know what to expect.  The tree lighting was unimpressive, the fireworks were fabulous, unlike any I had ever seen in America.  Well done!  But perhaps I am getting another cold out of it, otherwise I cannot figure out why I feel so knocked down.

Let’s see, I am on the 13th day away from my last binge.  I should be feeling terrific.  This not feeling good makes me think that something is wrong with something.  Either my body or my food intake needs attention.  I want to keep changes to a minimum so that I can tell what is what with all this I am trying to accomplish.  My intention in November was just to get back into eating full time out of the porringer and away from bingeing.  I am very proud that the only binge I had this month was on my birthday.  Wow, if I make it to Saturday, I will be able to say it was only once in the whole month!  I am a bit excited to wonder if I can do it all of next month too.

So no food changes until next month.  I will weigh in on Saturday, the first of the new month and make the goal for December at that time.  As I am trying to do with my knitting, stay with one thing until completed, I want to do the same with this permanent change over in my eating.  Otherwise I will not really know what is working and what is not.

I DID IT!!!!

Yesterday I made it, three porringers of food completed my eating day.  When we sat down last night to the last meal, I noted that I was about to have the third bowl of food for the day and I was not at all hungry!  I think I finally hit ketosis.  It always feels like a switch is flipped.  I go from wanting to eat everything in sight to loathing food in a blink of an eye.  This is exactly where I prefer being….no appetite.  I actually feel a sense of wellbeing this morning, so I am determined to take a walk today, as soon as it gets light out.  I hate walking in the dark and right now, the sun isn’t coming up until half past 8 or so.  It is only 5 right now.  Sigh.  I am craving to walk, I have been cooped up in the flat too long with the cold and illness.

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So, with one day on plan, ED decided to try and talk me into getting on the scale this morning. One single day eating correctly and he wants to ruin it with a scale number that more likely than not will not show how one day made a change in my body.  He knows that, he wants to prove to me that the valiant effort to stay on plan did not achieve a scale victory and with his logic, means I am a failure.  A million times before, I listened to ED and got on the scale hoping for a drop to register.  A million times it did not.  A million times I got frustrated about it and binged in loathing self pity.  Knowing this pattern so intimately still did not stop ED from trying to lure me once again.  That scale, I reminded myself, cannot possible tell me about true success.  I ate according to the plan yesterday and that alone is the wondrous victory to be celebrated and built upon. 

I did well yesterday, lets see if I can do that again today! 

The scale has no part in this triumph, it is a completely separate thing from eating.  I did not weigh myself today, in fact, as I walked by it, I pushed it further under the armoire with my toe to drown out it’s pleading to be stepped on.  I even smiled at the thought….geez, does the scale have a sick need to be abused?  Pleading to be stepped on? I think my humour is coming back too! 

Wellbeing=good humour and smiles.

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Porringer number 2

Yesterday’s meals:
Porringer 1- 2 eggs, 2 rashers
Porringer 2- 1 cumberland, 2 rashers, 1 scrambled egg, shredded cheddar cheese, carrot, cauliflower, parsley
Porringer 3- 1/2 chicken breast, broccoli, cabbage,  2 cumberland,  2 T brown gravy

Yesterday’s drinks:
3 pots of tea
1 glass of wine
4 coffee with 2 tsp. double cream in each
1/2 small glass of Guinness

Mending

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Still feeling slightly headachy, pain in the small back, mild nausea.  My insides are disturbed and I may have been too heavy on the fats before it was ready to handle it.  It was easy to stick to the three porringers yesterday and I think it helped me feel slightly better today.  I think for awhile, I will switch to having yogurt for lunch and see if that helps get the intestinal bugs back in the right balance.

 

I think the slight improvement I feel this morning is because I ate less yesterday.  I really like how that feels, not to be starving, but to feel less burdened by food.  I thought about those with bulimia, how they eat until so stuffed they feel a need to purge.  I can eat to the point of pain, but I cannot stand the purging part, I merely slept it off when I was more actively bingeing.  Back then, I used bingeing as a coma inducing method of avoidance.  It pushed me into sleeping.  I think that is also why I ate so much right before bedtime so many years ago.  I’d even eat in bed, it was a favourite thing to do, read and eat.  I am so far away from that now.  Being married has changed my habits dramatically.

 

I keep catching myself saying ”I need to make a decision…” about some sort of food.  It’s one of the many lies the ED voice likes to use.  It sounds so official, like I am taking charge of a problem and about to solve it.  I see it as the illusion of waving a magic wand and POOF, the problem vanishes permanently, never to return.  Making a decision about something means nothing unless enforced.  Enforced means working it, doing it, causing it to match the intention…..every single time.  This morning, I thought the same old familiar ”I should make a decision about sugar”.  It would make me feel in control of my eating disorder if I could make a rule and that rule would prevent the event from happening.  So if I said firmly, ”no more sugar in any form” then that would take care of the problem.  Where I falter in this, is believing the rule has the finality of a direct order from a supreme authority, it cannot be broken.  Within a short period of time, I defy the order.  I break the rule.  Did I not create the rule of three porringers a day, and then promptly break it? 

 

This stuff drives me crazy.  I have to keep swinging it around to the light and looking at it.  The ways my mind works around food and eating is so deeply ingrained that I don’t always catch the ED voice.  It’s too smooth, too soothing, too familiar to notice it is killing me.  Sleeping with the enemy.  I often think I am in control and often it proves just how in control it is.

 

Still, there is a ray of feeling better today.  I will go and get some yogurt, give my insides something to work with and see if a hot water bottle will help the lower back, and find something to do to ease the day through the paces.

 

Yesterday:
Porringer 1- 2 eggs, 2 rashers, 2 coffee with double cream
Porringer 2- half filled with plain yogurt
Porringer 3- 2 small minced beef patties with sautéed onion, roasted carrot with butter, 1 glass of wine
2 coffee with double cream, 3 chocolates

Spicy Day

2012-11-05 028 Into Glasgow we went yesterday.  I had an appointment about my national insurance and while there, we found a new source for spices.  It was what seemed to be a mostly African import foods shop.  They had a whole shelf full of large containers of spices in different mixtures.  I decided to start with a simple basic mixture type and the one I have used for many years, but have not found in the last 10 years or so…Vegeta.  One of my all time favourite seasonings.  This lot came to £10, which is far cheaper than the £3 we pay for a 65g lamb spice jar at Sainsbury.  I now know a number 23 or 26 bus will take me from my door to the shop.  Perfect.

 

Husband at first wanted to stop to pick up fish and chips for dinner, as he was in a celebratory mood, but as we had plenty of time to get home and prepare dinner, the idea was dropped much to my relief.  Being the day I was determined not to swim in the sea of carbs, it was one less situation to deal with.  We managed to look at all the candies and teacakes at the Pound Store to get ideas of what to send the grandchildren for Christmas without buying anything for ourselves.  Even though the day held anxieties over the appointment, it ended well.  I made cumberland sausages and savoy cabbage for dinner and the only extra bit was a single small Bailey’s chocolate drop with evening coffee.  I was so pleased that a day that was about to head in the wrong direction was smoothed out nicely.  I ate three porringers of low carb foods and was happy.

2012-11-05 009 I took a few other photo’s while in Glasgow, I liked the ship on top of this cupola. 

2012-11-05 010 I was actually more interested in the swans, but they are hardly visible.  This is the River Clyde.  We live next to it too.

2012-11-05 012 Even with a zoom I was unable to capture the swans. 

2012-11-05 014This was fun…the Ladies Waiting Room.  See the building in the back? 

2012-11-05 016 There was a lion and unicorn!  I immediately remembered my favourite book’s version, from Alice in Wonderland/Through the Lookinglass:

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`The Lion and the Unicorn were fighting for the crown:
The Lion beat the Unicorn all round the town.
Some gave them white bread, some gave them brown;
Some gave them plum-cake and drummed them out of town.’

 

The day passed fine and I felt I was sitting in a good place about eating, I watched a few YouTube video’s on disordered eating and several light-bulbs went off in my head, a few more dots were connected and I will be writing about it in my next post.

Moving Through It

Sometimes the simplest thing can end up being a grand success!  Two days in a row (if two can make a row), I have eaten three porringers of food and nothing in be-tween.  That is absolutely marvellous and I am giddy with the new found ability to make what I really want to work…work!

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I wasn’t sure I was up to it, I truly expected failure.  I guess something in me just wanted to get it started.  I really like how manageable it has turned out to be.  I notice an immediate improvement of my mood.  That may also be due to feeling better, the cold is still lingering, but the sick feeling is gone.  Mornings are still difficult, but while I did start to prepare sliced cheese, I wrapped it back up and put it in the fridge.  I told myself, just to stop it.  I waited until lunch time.  Today was a little harder than yesterday, but I managed it and felt happy that I did.

Yesterday’s foods were the same as today, except dinner was savoy cabbage and cumberlands and no evening coffee.

Today:

Breakfast- 2 eggs, 2 rashers, beef drippings, 3 coffee with whole milk

Lunch- 2 bockwurst, 2 eggs, butter,  pot of tea

Dinner- pork cutlets, roasted cauliflower, carrots, 2T sauce, butter, 1 glass of wine

After dinner coffee – 2 with whole milk