One Binge for November, What a FABULOUS Thing!

Yesterday’s meals:
Porringer 1- 2 eggs, 2 rashers
Porringer 2- mixed nuts
Porringer 3- few slices of German salami
Porringer 4- 3 cumberlands, cabbage, turnip, carrot, onion

Yesterday’s drinks:
3 pots of tea
1 glass of wine
1/2 pint Guinness
4 cups of coffee with 2 tsp. double cream in each

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Cooking the cabbage, turnip, carrot, onion mixture.  You can see my porringer warming up in the back area.

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The cumberlands before they are browned.

November has been a terribly challenging month for me.  A birthday month, a transitional month and a dedication to getting my eating stabilized away from bingeing.  I had only 1 binge in November, on my birthday.  Granted, there were a few situations that helped me not binge; husband was home for a week early in the month and I did not have to deal with Thanksgiving (or Halloween for that matter, which candy leftovers use to stray into November).  It’s been a challenge to get the binge beast asleep, but at least I can claim he is officially slumbering because of what happened yesterday.

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It was the day I needed to shop for the treats I was sending to my family for Christmas, a taste of Scotland.  This meant purposely confronting the teacakes and biscuits head on, mulling over them, handling them, taking them home and worrying about having leftovers that won’t fit into the box.  Here was stage for the potential binge, with all kinds of predictable ED thinking about to use the mega horn.
Before I left, I carefully studied the two boxes I had to send the treats in to get a feel for how much they could hold.  I made a list of the types of goodies to go in each box, more child oriented stuff for the grandchildren, more cooking related stuff for my parents.  That gave me something to hold and look at while in the store, reminding me there was a purpose and this was not a free-for-all binge quest.  Off I went and found myself going about it just fine.  I saw a small packet of mixed nuts on sale, so I bought that as a low carb treat just in case ED decided to speak up.  Amazingly, he did not.  Not one sound was uttered!  I was really surprized by this.

When I got home, I heated the nuts in the oven and the amount filled my porringer about 3/4 full.  I put on some Christmas music, busied myself with wrapping the packages and snacked on the nuts.  I was disappointed in them, they were stale and tasteless.  I ate about half and poured the rest back into the bag (which husband relished when he got home).  He kept telling me that he thought they tasted good and then it hit me, my appetite is dropping so fast now that nothing tastes as good as it did before ketosis hit.  Now that I think back on it, at the beginning of the week, I noticed that the dinners had a distinct nutmeg flavour which was odd.  I didn’t like it.  I think this was the changeover point, from burning carbs for fuel to burning fat. 
I felt sort of nauseated the rest of the day from the nuts and I wondered why I had craved them so since leaving America.  They no longer appeal to me as a meal, perhaps a few at a time, but I remember when I could not stop eating them before this. 

Later in the day, I had a few slices of paper thin sliced salami which was just to settle the queasiness of the nuts in my stomach.  It was really odd to me that all these biscuits in my hands and in my face did not stir up ED at all. 

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Everything is now boxed, addressed and ready to go to the post office this morning.  Tomorrow, husband has his work Christmas party and will be gone for the afternoon.  I had bought a bottle of port (which I stashed away) for my own little Christmas party and also bought a bag previously of monkey nuts to roast in the oven.  But now it does not appeal to me at all.  I don’t want an excess of anything. 

What is really weird, is that I can say that and still not comprehend it.  Not want an excess?  How can this be?  Here’s my chance to binge, sight unseen, in the glory of privacy and under the disguise of a deserved pity party.  Husband will be having fun, I want to have fun too!  But as I am writing this, it feels all so hollow and untrue.  I want to feel good, not stuffed and tipsy.  I want to feel sharp and clear, not tired and dull from drink.  As soon as I can wrap my head around the switch being flipped into the off position, I am sure I will gladly embrace the change.  Ketosis, I love you!

Amulets of Protection

Ketosis=wellbeing.

It takes longer to get into ketosis.  It use to take about 4 days, now about 2 weeks.  True body-adaptive ketosis takes about 2-6 weeks. 

Ketosis has many benefits to me.  It evens out my mood swings.  It is effectively like being on Prozac.  Sometimes it even feels like zombiehood, I am not as emotionally reactive.  My appetite plummets, I begin to eat less naturally without thinking about it.  My hard round stomach begins to deflate, my ankles and hands take on more definition as the fluid begins to leave my body.  More importantly, my blood sugar hits and stays in the normal range, from the 200’s to the 80’s and 90’s.  The binge beast within starts to slumber.  What is not to relish about being in ketosis?  It feels like wellbeing to me!  I feel protected by the amulet of ketosis.  But there is the danger, feeling protected allows the enemy to slip through the crack of vulnerability.

Last night, I watched a vlog of an obese man who has just lost 29 pounds in 12 weeks on a low carb diet and is so thrilled, his whole being lit up describing how well he felt being in ketosis.  I smiled too, knowing how truly is the best thing to ever happen to an obese person struggling with appetite and hunger.  Eating unrefined fats, meats and green veggies can do miracles.  Then, in one stroke, one unguarded moment, ED slipped right in.  The man said that he loves eating low carb and enjoys the foods, but he’ll probably have a LITTLE cheat during Christmas because, as ED pointed out, it IS a holiday after all and this IS the real world.  My heart sank when I heard the words.  OMG.  ED talking through this man.  He did not hear it, but I did. 

One little cheat couldn’t hurt, right?  How many MILLIONS of times have I heard that before and believed it?  How many millions of times have I fallen into that trap?  I would not be obese today, had I just once and for all time stayed on my low carb diet.  The diet that I truly love the foods I can eat, feel satisfied and more importantly, can hear my body sing in happiness!  It’s absolute madness to leave ketosis and this diet. 

Yet, even with knowing that madness, remembering my own history with bingeing and dieting, even with all the scientific evidence, even with all the wealth of information on the health aspects, my own ED voice continues.  Today, I have to get whatever Scottish treats I can fit into the Christmas boxes I am sending to my parents and to my daughter and grandchildren.  As I tried to sort out what to buy, who would like what, I imagined the tastes and thought about the potential extra’s that would not fit in the boxes and that they would start to entice me into eating them.  The one thing ketosis does not do is stop ED’s voice.  Ketosis does lower the voice, but does not drown it out altogether.  As I wondered yesterday if I should bake husband’s favourite ginger biscuits, as I thought about what to serve for Christmas dinner, ED gathered strength.  This is HIS territory, he’s prepared to battle me to hold his ground.  Gee, and didn’t it cross my mind while preparing the grocery list that I miss salty oat porridge?  It’s so cheap!  I could have it for lunch and save money!

That vlog helped me realise that I am not in a protected zone at all.  Ketosis is health and wellbeing, it cannot protect me from the binge beast.  I never thought about it in quite this way before.  Perhaps because I never comprehended that I had an eating disorder.  As the SOS group reminds me every day, DON’T, NO MATTER WHAT.  That is the only thing that works.  I need to stop thinking there is an amulet to rely on.

I am heading in the right direction, but I am still learning.

Yesterday’s meals:
Porringer 1- 2 eggs, 2 rashers
Porringer 2- plain full fat yogurt
Porringer 3- 2 1/2 cumberland sausages, grated carrot, cauliflower, 2T brown gravy
Porringer 4- kebab meat, broccoli, brussel sprouts, onion, butter

Yesterday’s drinks:
3 pots of tea
1 glass of wine
4 cups of coffee with 2 tsp. double cream in each

Microbial

Still have the little rain cloud above my head.  Lots of minor and petty annoyances cluttering up my tiny world.  Isolation has a way of making a person’s world so small that every detail is magnified.  Writing in this blog magnifies my eating under a microscope. 

I noticed that I could not be bothered with the supposed success of averting yet another binge yesterday.  I tried thinking of it before I went to sleep, hoping for the little glow of having made it give me a smile, but it would not stick in my mind, I was not interested.  I wonder why?  I tried to get in tune with the body as I laid there, I felt fine, no hunger, no fullness, no interest or thoughts about food, eating, struggles with binge thoughts….nothing.  Is this what normal people feel?  No attachments to eating food?  I am not sure what I am trying to put under a microscope anymore.  I guess as long as I hear ED’s voice, I need to stay aware.

I dreamed that one of my childhood dolls was undergoing a face change.  I had to place her in a basket and someone was picking her up during the night and somehow updating her face.  I noted it was vinyl and mused that probably they would heat the head up and reshape it.  A man that was my lover for several years (a long time ago) appeared in my dream and I was telling him how badly I wanted a bottle of vodka and told him how I was going to try and find a way to sneak one in under the wire.  He smiled.  He was a cop, I guess he was going to let me get away with it.

Strange dream, I don’t like vodka.

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Porringer number 3

Yesterday’s meals:
Porringer 1- 2 eggs, 2 rashers
Porringer 2- duck pate, bleu cheese crumbles
Porringer 3- Soup: 2 1/2 cumberland sausages, broth, grated carrot, double cream
Porringer 4- minced beef, cauliflower, butter, 2T brown gravy

Yesterday’s drinks:
3 pots of tea
1 glass of wine
4 cups of coffee with 2 tsp. double cream in each

Irritations Swell, Nothing to Soothe them

Yesterday’s meals:
Porringer 1- 2 eggs, 2 rashers
Porringer 2- duck pate, cucumber, bleu cheese
Porringer 3- plain yogurt
Porringer 4- curry: kebab meat, meatballs, broccoli, carrot, onion, coconut milk, curry paste

Yesterday’s drinks:
3 pots of tea
1 + 1/2 glass of wine
4 cups of coffee with 2 tsp. double cream in each

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Had my lunch too early (10:30am) and then the yogurt soon followed.  Once again, it was not hunger driven but needed for whatever reason.  I can’t always sort it, it is what it is at times.  I wonder too, if I am just not eating enough for lunch.  I did not fill the bowl as pate and bleu cheese are so rich.

I managed another shop run without buying binge foods and I also managed to make it all the way until dinner time to eat again.  I noticed a sense of injustice swell inside me, when husband finished his glass of wine completely and I still had a half a glass, he tops mine off and pours a full one for himself.   I AM THE ONE THAT LOVES TO DRINK.  How did he rate to get more than me?  I felt a swell of anger about it, realised how petty I was being and took a deep breath and let it go.  He’s done this a couple of times, I think thoughtlessly on his part, but not intentionally trying to keep me from it.  It’s ironic that I restrict myself, but hate it when others restrict for me.  It is definitely a trigger for me to feel as though I am being denied something I really want, even if I know it is best that I don’t have it.  It’s probably more of a power issue in marriage than anything else.

Here is the curry hot pot I made last night.  It was a huge hit with husband.  I dished mine into the porringer sans the potatoes and I admit, it was pretty good and I did have a pretty high peak of food in my bowl. I did not take seconds and felt full and satisfied.

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I stayed up until midnight playing video games.  I realised that I managed to go 7 hours after dinner without eating anything else.  By morning it was 16 hours after my last meal and I felt pleasantly hungry.  I liked how that felt and so while smiling about that and making breakfast, I also thought about how much of a struggle this past week has been and how I was diligent in writing about it, looking at it, stopping it and here I am, surviving it all.  I was tempted to get on the scale again this morning, but stopped that too.  I can’t look for a result of good behaviour, what the scale may tell me has nothing to do with trying to stabilize my eating.  If I let all these little daily irritations build up then the scale gives me less than grand results, I throw in the towel in disgust and head back to bingeing.  Is that really worth it?  I need to feel the irritations and let them go, one by one.

If I have always used food as a soother, then I need to find a way to keep my feathers from getting so ruffled.  I noticed I was getting more irritated the more husband chattered on while I was writing here this morning.  It made me have to continual stop to listen to his chatter about housing prices in several countries so that I lost my train of thought while writing.  It’s weekend, he’s home and he’s internet searching for housing even though we are still five years away from buying.  We still have to decide which country we will retire to!  Weekends are a double edged sword for me, as I feel tensions rise a bit fitting the day in with a husband’s needs.  Dearly beloved, but still can get under my skin now and then.   It’s not his presence, its the continual distractions that having someone around brings.  I cook more, clean more, listen more, discuss more, etc. than when I am alone.

On the other hand, I will never binge in front of my husband, so it’s almost a wonderful release from the burden of even considering it.  I feel most normal about eating on the weekends. We sleep in and et breakfast 4 hours later than the weekday 4:30am.  So I don’t have the midmorning binge crazies anyways. This is not how it was for so many years….I now have no desire to eat in the evenings and I don’t binge on weekends.

Funny how that has all changed.  Bingeing has not stopped it’s incessant demands, but the timing of it has.  Makes me wonder how much of it is guided by circumstance and situations?  I am not a lush because we can’t afford the booze, I am not having vast and daily binges because the food budget is extremely tight.  My binges these days amount to about £3 a pop, usually grabbing the sales items and the cheapest items to fill up on.  Weird.

Oh well, best not to go there and dwell in those thoughts.  I have curtains to hem and a dress to finish knitting.

Martini Please

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Yesterday certainly was a mixed bag of emotions.  Nothing too extreme, but enough to cause me a bit of anxiety.  The curtains for the bedroom came and I busied myself with that, a trial run at hanging them yesterday to check the length.  I will have to hem and iron them today, but I am very pleased with them, they will block the cold coming from the windows this winter.  Still, the aftertaste of the store clerk incident, the pressure of being in the shops and preventing a binge, the irritation that this is still a huge deal and not subsiding all left me exhausted and wishing to have a couple of martini’s (or 4).

Yesterday’s meals:
Porringer 1- 2 eggs, 2 rashers
Porringer 2- duck pate, cucumber, cheddar cheese, bleu cheese
Porringer 3- plain yogurt
Porringer 4- minced beef, cauliflower, butter

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Porringer 3 was my lunch.  I don’t always fill the porringer to the top.

Yesterday’s drinks:
3 pots of tea
1 glass of wine
4 cups of coffee with 2 tsp. double cream in each

I struggled yesterday about the yogurt serving.  It had nothing to do with hunger, even though my stomach complaining.  Anxiety in my stomach feels like a big gapping exposed pit that yearns to be filled.  Not only filled, but needing an overfill and might as well pack it tightly to prevent it from being ever exposed again!  I stood there, in the kitchen, feeling the urge grow and the sensations in the stomach and personified it as a yearning pit.  I was amazed that the stomach was experiencing an emotion!  I felt I had to eat the yogurt or I was going to run screaming to the shops for teacakes.  The yogurt did help soothe it, perhaps the coating action or something of the sort.  But the ED (eating disordered) voice was ever present, and I caught myself looking at the clock throughout the afternoon, wondering if I had enough time to gorge on something (anything) before dinner and not feel sick.  I did not act on it, but ED was there, alive and striving to find a weak spot in my determination.

This is my 10th day away from the last binge.  ED is trying to find the weak spots in my vulnerability by attempting to convince me that there is never an end to this recovery period, that he will prevail in the end and that it is only a matter of time before I accept being obese as my fate and bingeing as my way of eating.  ED has the smug luxury of waiting, as I struggle to keep a distance from him and panic over my continuous weight gain. 

ED knows I feel vulnerable and uncomfortably exposed.  ED knows how to push me into the teacake aisle at the shops, or whisper sweet names of delicacies in my ear when I least expect it.  ED is stronger than I am and resides permanently inside me.  I cannot slay this dragon, but I can keep him asleep.  It takes a long time to get ED asleep, but I continue to hush the loud noises about binges, I continue to monitor how I feel and react and right now, I know the most important tool I have is the porringer.  The porringer confounds ED.  It doesn’t have any experience with it and that amuses me.

 
Lately my desire to have ED asleep is just keeping him wide awake.  I am going about this with the wrong mind-set.  Today, I will relax, stay with what I want to do and stop thinking about him.  Thinking about him keep me anxious.

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I have been mostly posting photo’s of my lunches because that is when I am alone and think of doing it.  This is breakfast I make every morning before husband goes to work.  His plate is in the back, warming from the pan in front of it.  In the large cast iron skillet I have already cooked 4 rashers and 1 lorne, when it’s done, I place the lorne with 2 rashers on top of the sliced potatoes I made for husband.  I cut the other two rashers up and place them in my porringer behind the large skillet to keep warm.  I then cook 2 eggs each, we like them soft cooked.  I suppose most people balk at the thought of a hot breakfast every morning, claiming they don’t have time, but this takes all of 15 minutes to prepare and 15 minutes to sit down and enjoy, so worth it to us.  Now that I think of it, this meal doesn’t fill the porringer either.  The only one really full is the dinner one and that is mostly because foods like cauliflower take up so much room.

At least I feel better on eggs and rashers than how I use to feel when eating…..

I Am Feeling Better by the Day

It’s been an amazing couple of days.  I have continued to eat exclusively from my porringer and everything felt easy and hunger was quite mild.  Each day, I am feeling better both from a consistent amount of food eaten and from the cold abating.

 

Saturday night, husband brought home a marzipan block for me as a treat.  I have yet to effectively deal with this occasional situation that he brings to me.  I will write more about that at another time.  I ate the whole block at a cost of 918 calories and 95g carbs which was completely unnecessary. I found myself needing to know the cost and then I sat with those numbers in my head, which only caused stress and an emotional reaction.  I had to stop and think in different terms.  It matters not about the calories or carbs as much as it matters that it was effectively the 4th bowl of food for the day. I am still trying to change my thought patterns about not thinking about numbers as a reason to eat or not eat something. I shouldn’t have eaten it because it was the 4th bowl, not because of the numbers.   Simple.

 

2012-10-27 004 This has been my lunch for two days, duck liver pate, a boiled egg with herring roe and today I added a few cubes of cheddar. 

 

2012-10-28 001 Dinner tonight was a bed of sautéed savoy cabbage, cumberlands and roasted carrot ( I added butter later).  It was really quite good.

 

I did get on the scale yesterday, not that I wanted to, I was dismayed to see the weight gain, although I cannot say I wasn’t expecting it.  At least I have a point of which to gauge in the months to come if this method is working for me ( I did take a photo but won’t post it until I feel a weight loss in other terms than the scale.    I need to set that whole issue aside for now, otherwise my binge monster will use it against me, lol.

 

This is the end of the weekend, which is much easier for me eating-wise than the weekdays.  Tomorrow will be a challenge, as I nearly always binge on Mondays.  I will need to go to the shops for eggs and meat, so that doubles up the chances for a binge.  Right now, I feel strong and determined not to.  I remind myself that I like how I feel right now, in this moment, content, not hungry and not full.  This is the sweet spot, the way I like to feel.  My head is not swarming with numbers, I am not fighting a diet dilemma and I am at ease emotionally.  A binge would disrupt that easy flow.