Much Bowl Musing Today

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As I continue to test out the new copper bowl, I muse on the comparisons to the pewter porringer and the bowls I have used in the past.  There was a time when a bowl would have been a bowl and nothing more.  Now I see the vast differences in bowls and how they affect my connections to eating.  I never realised the relationship before I started eating exclusively from one. 

I have always been a visual person, so the beauty of an object is has been more important than the utility of it.  At first, I sought heavy pottery bowls, rough with dripping glaze.  I loved the look of them, the feel of permanence by their weight and thickness.  I have found bowls that had an element of amusement, one having cat ears on the rim.  I loved the feel of heavy restaurant ware, thick with a smooth white glaze.  I then started moving towards the idea of permanence.  I imagined that if the bowl were to become so exclusive that I would only eat from my own personal bowl, I would need to carry it with me.  The idea of metal bowls became appealing.

Pewter is a soft metal, so it tarnished and scratches easily.  It has a simple charm I really like, and antique pieces bring in a new dimension of having a history.  Metal bowls are not as easy to hold in the hand with very hot or cold foods, often I have had to use a hot pad or keep the bowl on the table.  While in Hawaii, I found a stainless steel double walled rice bowl that I loved, it fit in the hand and was so easy to eat from.  It was very thin steel though and eventually a tiny crack allowed water to enter the compartment and it became a problem.  I am sure this new double walled bowl will not have the same issue, it is so much heavier and the edge is well sealed.

There is a different feel to the new bowl and the old mug.  It is always a nicer to sip with a curved rim on a cup, creating a natural seal with one’s lip and the curved edge.  The mug has a nice flair to the edge and I found myself enjoying that smooth curve against my lips.  The white china cup I have been using does not have that, making coffee drip down the side of the cup as I drink.  The curve to the edge of the copper bowl allows my thumb to have a resting place while supporting the bowl in my hand.  I realized that if I had soup in the copper bowl or some pan juices, I could easily sip from the bowl.  Funny to notice these things, even stranger to write them down. 

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I know it looks to be a mess, lunch yesterday was some leftover spinach, salami, smoked gouda and a few cocktail size sausages.  I wanted to use the leftovers before opening any new foods.  Seeing the bowl was only half full, I was wondered if it would be enough food to eat, but it was plenty.  I am still trying to get back to three bowls a day, but lately I am succumbing to snacking at evening coffee.  It’s become a habit since the holidays, one I need to break instantly.  Husband brought home more chocolates, which when presented to me, I usually have 3.  We stayed up until midnight again, so I had some unsalted raw peanuts for the hunger.  I am not a big peanut fan, so a handful (in the shell) are enough.  Dinner was chicken and parsnips.

I don’t feel as though I am eating too much but lately I feel huge and heavy.  By evening my legs and ankles are massive.  I am not happy about it at all and think I need to take a ketogenic dive and fast.  FINALLY husband will be working a full work week and I hope to take a deep plunge into as low carb as I can get, to see if I can shed this massive fluid retention.

I have had a reader ask me how to eat various foods in a bowl, so I thought I would write about that today.  I generally eat food that has been cut up previously, in an Asian style, I suppose, a mixture of meat and veggies for the most part.  Cutting up the food makes it easier to eat with a fork, spoon or chopsticks.  Sometimes I prefer to layer the food, so that I might have meat on the bottom, add some veggies on top and then some salad on top of that.  This way the salad is eaten first and stays fairly cold as there isn’t a lot of it.  This layering works when I want a sauce on the meat, but not particularly on the veggies (keeping the meat and sauce on the bottom layer).  Since I don’t eat breads (unless on a binge) I don’t deal with it bowl-wise, but I would imagine that a bagel or donut or a round roll would fit fine in most bowls.  Other odd shaped foods could be cut up, for instance, I suppose a slice of pizza could be cut in two and placed in the bowl. Part of the process is to discover how you feel and react to the confines of the bowl. 

The bowl is merely a representation of the stomach and what it can hold comfortably.  It is a marvellous teacher of the concept of enough.  It creates a process that is connected, such as choosing the bowl, finding the bowl pleasing, washing the bowl by hand, returning to the bowl for nourishment time and time again.  There is a natural mindfulness that is present when eating exclusively from the bowl that cannot be found on a plate or out of a bag or package.  The bowl is a challenge to ED who cannot stand the idea that maybe what can fit in the bowl to eat is actually enough.  ED is a glutton, wants no limitations, no restrictions, just hedonistic gorging.  The bowl can be filled more that once, but that re-fill is something we cannot help but notice and that is part of mindful eating.  Awareness.  The bowl causes natural awareness to the challenges of eating from it.

Trying to figure out what to put in the bowl and how to make it fit is the first challenge.  The decisions about how often to eat from it is another.  The work of maintaining a relationship with the bowl and the food inside it soon becomes apparent.  It’s all in what you put into it and what you get out of it that matters, and it will be a different experience for anyone who tries it.

Some people have commented that it is a great portion control method to eat from a bowl.  And I will say that it is true.  But there is so much more to it than just that.  I have tried portion control plates, divided sectioned plates and smaller plates, but none of them created a nurturing effect that a bowl does.  I think it has to do with the intimate shape, the way it fits into a hand and feels more a part of the eating experience.  I have never been able to feel the plate sitting on a table is a part of eating, it just looks like a way to keep the food from making a mess on the table.  It is separate from me, it is not held.  The same as eating with a knife and fork, it may be socially acceptable and all, but cutting up food with utensils on a plate is distant, remote, unconnected. 

I need the connection.  The long years of dieting and bingeing have caused a disconnect between me and food and the act of eating.  To hide my shame in bingeing, I became a secretive eater, hiding food, eating alone, pretending that I did not eat that much.  I caused myself horrid social situations because I was on a strict diet.  Food became an enemy and I was so miserable.  The bowl brought back a chance at a positive experience with eating, a nurturing gift of love towards myself.  Since the bowl, my stomach has gotten use to less and I think that has helped severely reduce the mass consumption binges to overeating episodes.  Eventually, I am hoping to drop bingeing altogether as I continue to find peace from eating from a simple bowl.

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Unbalanced but Not Unhinged

I really hate acknowledging that I am back here in the recovery period once again.  It feels like I am unbalanced and I need to find that equilibrium I feel comfort in.  At least I am not in the war zone, just on the outside edge of it. I do feel the carb muck though.  Damn it.

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Husband finished off the last of the Christmas goodies (the ones I had bought for family presents and could not afford to mail) last night and I was so relieved to know they were finally gone and our cupboard is healthy again.  He commented on the fact we can’t seem to leave anything in the house of this nature alone, but when I thought about it, it was not necessarily true.  This time around, we had those goodies for more than a day or two.  They lasted 12 days!  And as I mentioned yesterday, each day I ate a reasonable amount and not anything related to a binge.  Still, the carb muck has caused me illness once again.  I hate how this feels.

I have to be careful though before thinking I ought to pat myself on the back for keeping reason present, because this is the slippery slope of an eating disorder.  It is false illusions of grandeur.  I was heading straight to the hell pit, it was only a matter of time.  For those of us with disorder thinking about food, it is no different than an alcoholic having a bottle of wine and thinking they are in control because they used to drink 4 in one sitting.  I was not having 2 biscuits with tea, I was having 6 and that deludes me into thinking I am eating normally.

It’s a self depreciating joke, thinking we are cured of the desire for excess just because we exercised a modicum of control in one particular moment.  Those moments do shift and change in circumstances.  The next moment may open the gapping hole wider and another bottle is reached for and we drown ourselves trying to fill the hole that cannot be filled.  Whether food or booze or drugs, we will never have more than a modicum of control and it cannot last forever.  Addiction doesn’t happen to just vanish over night no matter how badly we want it to.  It is always present within.  Always there waiting for another chance to bring us back to the hell hole of excess.  The only thing we can control 100% is not taking the first bite, sip or hit of the substance that takes us down that path.

But changes are happening.  I am routinely experiencing a delay between the urge and the consumption which helps me chose to stop before consuming.  There is a longer process to the point of an actual binge.  The pleasure factor is no longer present, not even slightly.  That lure is broken.  I certainly cannot consume what I use to be able to (thank you porringer for that!).  That is definitely a life saver for me right now.  I get sick sooner and on smaller amounts.  But I also know that it is a matter of time before I slip back into the ability to consume larger and more frequent quantities.  I am quicker to respond to the need to return to feeling better than ever before, but I understand that I will never be cured. 

I am also returning to managed eating without dieting even those I still fight the intense urge to fix my problem with a weight loss diet.  I caught myself considering whether to use my diet software again when I was checking my overall balance of food intake yesterday.  I had to take a deep breath and remind myself that once I know the general intake amounts, I have an idea of where I am at with nutrients and I can then proceed from there.  I do not need to monitor every bite, weigh every morsel because I eat the same foods and the same amounts every day.  Changing up the meat or the veggies will not matter.  Too much reliance on numbers makes for disordered thinking about food.  Been there millions of times, I know where it leads.

I expect this recovery period to take about 2 weeks, or basically to the end of the year.  While this is about the most difficult time of year to manage eating, I think with a few wise selections I can be perfectly happy with the season’s offerings and not set up my other nemesis, deprivation.  We have no parties to attend to, we have no family dinners to deal with, we are just home alone and I can provide good healthy meals and we can limit the treats to the Irish whisky’s and I plan on making marzipan pigs for the rice porridge gifts (our Danish tradition).  In the meantime, it is back to managed eating.

Catch Up

I am behind in my blog, so this will be a long post.  I am copying from my diary, so I will delete most of the daily entries and try to keep just the gist of each day.  It’s been a progression to me, so I want to record it.

Wednesday’s Meals:
Porringer 1- 2 eggs, 2 rasher, 2 cups coffee with double cream
Porringer 2- 5 frankfurters, curry sauce, pot of tea
Porringer 3-  2 cumberlands, meatballs, cabbage, carrots,  1 glass wine
2 cups coffee with double cream, teacakes (see yesterday’s photo)

Yesterday I was slumped in a depression I could not shake.  By evening, I could hardly respond to anything with any semblance of cheerfulness which made husband try to cheer me up which is always annoying, even when tender and backed up with love.  What he doesn’t know is that I just needed to have some alone time to myself to regroup.  I tried talking about it, but I could hardly put a finger on the problem, let alone explain it. 

He beat me to the door when his Christmas present arrived and I was so hurt and angry that he saw it.  He would have been at work and I could have hidden it.  At this point, it’s like why bother with Christmas at all?  Which is petty and ridiculous on my part, which I can see clearly.  It’s just the feeling is all wretched and I feel sort of at a loss.  This time last year we were apart for an entire year so that I could bring in the income and I had romantic notions for this Christmas which just isn’t going to happen the way things are going. 

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Thursday’s Meals:
Porringer 1- 1 eggs, 2 rasher, 2 cups coffee with double cream
Binge – 3 oatcakes with butter and cheese, 8 jam dodgers, 5 digestives with chocolate, pot of tea
Porringer 2- cottage pie: minced beef, turnip, carrot, potato mash
Porringer 3- Kebab meat, peppers, onion, carrot, 1 glass wine
2 cups coffee with double cream

Thursday was a very iffy day.  My mood was still very down and yet, with alone-time finally to myself, I felt somewhat better.  I decided to go ahead and send my grandson’s birthday present out, even at the expense of it and send a few Christmas cards too.  The cards alone cost £1.20 each to send, they were small cards and I cringed.  I sent 5 cards and felt sick at the cost but took a deep breath.  Funny how sending letters and cards use to be such an inexpensive thing to do.  So, to send 3 children’s paperback books, 5 cards, I spent £16.

I wasn’t sure if I would binge the moment I had time alone and after feeling so much depression and anger.  In a small way, I went through with it, even though my desires were not overruled with it at all.  I ate everything listed before 7am, almost instantly after husband left for work.  It wasn’t worth it, other than having a release of emotions that I just needed something of my own for just  a moment and unfortunately that kind of thing is still attached to bingeing.  So even though it was not a massive amount to eat, the intentions, emotions and carb concentration all amount to what I call a binge these days.  It was not loving kindness to myself, but a destructive expression of anger.  It’s been a bad start to December.

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Friday’s Meals:
Porringer 1- 2 eggs, 2 rasher, 2 cups coffee with double cream
Binge – 4 oatcakes with butter and cheese, 3 jaffa cakes, 3 digestives with chocolate, pot of tea
Porringer 2- minced beef, onions, mushrooms, brown gravy, 1 glass wine
2 cups coffee with double cream, 2 jaffa cakes, 2 digestives with chocolate, 2 shortbread fingers

I can look back and remember how I felt when a binge was about to take place, how I thought and the usual pattern of it all, the predictable consequences, but something is different now.  They are not as strong a force as they once were.  The more I question my motives and beliefs about eating, the more I am able to take a step back and consider what direction I am going with it.

I good part of last year I made myself continually ask what it is I really wanted.  I didn’t have any ready answer, but the question was necessary.  All the things I was doing about my diet and weight were no longer working.  My life was in an upheaval and I did not know where the landing was going to be.  I was confronted with all kinds of new experiences and shake-ups and lifestyle changes in the extreme.  It was the perfect time to ask….what did I really want?  I had every reason to drown my fears and angst in food and drink, but something more needy was surfacing in the chaos.  Either that or I was getting mighty tired of playing the same dieting/bingeing/remorse games over and over again.

I still ask the question, I still look to define it.  Lately, the answer has been coming to me, not all dressed up in idealism, but in a form of a simple truth.  I want to feel a sense of wellbeing.  And of course, the obvious methodology to obtaining that is to stop all the things I do that prevents it from happening.  Not really a light bulb moment, is it?  Stop doing what hurts.

What I really wanted right now was to stop feeling so down and letting depression take hold.  Food was not going to alter that inner dark emotion, it only adds more angst to it.  So I got up and found the few Christmas decorations I had kept, put up the tiny tree I found at the charity shop last month and put on some Christmas music to work with.  Smile, even when you don’t feel like smiling.

It was so cathartic.  I felt my muscles relax.  I felt my breathing lighten up.  As I decorated, I felt a sense of home and comfort.  Okay, perhaps I miss the oodles of family decorations amassed through the years that I handed over to my daughter.  Perhaps it is a bit small, but it is not about stuff, is it?  The little tree needed decorations, I found a few 49 pence bags of ornaments, a star for the top and added chocolates to the advent calendar for husband.  Dean Martin was a gift from husband many years ago (I am a Rat Pack fan) and his singing and swinging a martini made me smile too. It all gave me a sense of accomplishment for the day.  This instantly improved my mood.

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Saturday’s Meals:
Porringer 1- 2 eggs, 2 rasher, 2 cups coffee with double cream
Porringer 2- 4 oatcakes with butter, pot of tea
Porringer 3- 3 frankfurters, 1 egg, pot of tea
Porringer 3- minced beef, onions, brussel sprouts, brown gravy, 1 glass wine
2 cups coffee with double cream, 1 square caramel biscuit

Somewhere in our history, we have been made to feel guilty about eating.  I know that I have dealt with the issue, and it is common amongst women to feel they should not be eating, but I was surprised to realize the extent that my husband feels guilt.  Last night, we stayed up late and he had the munchies most of that time.  As he shuffled past me to the kitchen, his guilt made him feel the need to make comments for me to hear. 

I cant resist.
If it’s in the house, I will eat it.
Tomorrow this will stop.
Just a few more.
Maybe cheese will stop the cravings for sweets.
I meant to have this last through Christmas.
I ate too much.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me to want sweets like this.

When I cut a small square of the caramel biscuit for myself for my coffee, I thought instantly, I should not eat this.  I think that very thought every time I eat something heavy in carbs and sugar or is a highly processed or snack food.  For me, even taking one bite is the same as bingeing on a massive amount of food.  I should not eat the first bite, so if I do, I am bingeing.  That is disordered thinking.  Once I consider it a binge, then the amount no longer matters.  This is the start of the games I play about eating.  One bite?  I might as well eat as much as I want then.  One is never enough, two is too many.

I watched him play out his own game last night, because I myself play it all the time.  I know it well.  I suggested to husband last night that perhaps he should just relax, it is December after all and Christmas has a lot of treats in it, perhaps a balance is the best approach.  He shook his head, no, he was going to stop (after the night’s eating was done) and not continue to eat sweets for the rest of the month.  He talked about his belt getting tighter and that was just not acceptable.  I said no more about it but thoughts whirled around in my head about our perceptions and I wondered why we feel so guilty about eating and especially why we play the same game over and over again.  Why is it, that one biscuit is never enough?  Who told us that, and why do we believe it?  I had one caramel square last night and it was enough.  Did I need it?  No.  Is it a healthy food?  No.  Did it spark a binge?  No.  It was the thoughts surrounding it: the guilt, the attachments, the lies I tell myself.

As husband made his pilgrimages to the kitchen, I was tempted to follow.  Camaraderie in eating is a subtle way to make allowances for one’s own greed.  If he can have more, so can I.  I know we have both played this game, sometimes by his bringing home a chocolate bar for me when he wants candy, sometimes with me putting biscuits in the tin that I know he likes.  We indulge the other as an excuse to eat for ourselves.  Who could possibly say I was overeating if the only other person in the room is overeating themselves?  Sometimes I feel as though he wishes I would tell him no, he cannot have it, as a mother would.  But that is just another game tactic.  Once reproved, we tend to act out in defiance and have what we perceive we should not be eating anyways.  Sometimes I imagine he is being silently disapproving of my eating and I try to appear more perfect in my choices.  We hide and dodge our own eating issues, often getting quite tangled up in it all.

My conclusion?  That the  idiocy of the eating games we play just became a little more apparent last night.  Once again, my choices for eating are based on circumstances and is more situational than being a true personal choice.  How much of my decision to eat the caramel square came from my desire to have it?  Could it have been influenced by husband’s desires?  How much of this was a marital game to be played out in the disguise of camaraderie or equality?   Even more interesting to me is why I always feel even one bite of anything I consider worthless food as a binge fraught with guilt?  Believe me, all these kinds of thoughts take away the pleasures of eating.  I had no true desire last night to eat more than I did, even though the temptation was ever present.  This isn’t what I want.

What do I really want?

Plunging Down Further into the Rabbit Hole

Christmas seems to be falling apart and I am losing ground to it.  Not being able to afford to send my family the presents I bought, my Grandmother’s death…….and today, the Christmas present I bought for my husband arrived and he opened the door to the postman and saw what it was.  He normally would have been at work and I would have been able to hide it and surprise him with it.  He looked at me funny, as though he could not understand why I was buying myself the item, which was clearly marked with a picture and brand name on the box.  I felt there was no point in making him wait for it, so I let him open it and have it.  I was furious that the surprise of the only gift I could afford to give him is now known and I have nothing to put under the tree. 

I had to go to the surgery to register and the whole way there, I just cried.  I am ultra sensitive right now.  Christmas is my favourite holiday and it is just not happening.  I can’t see the point of decorating.

I want to binge.  I stopped on the way back to pick up potatoes and cabbage for dinner, bought my husband a spinach pizza as a treat for lunch and felt like grabbing food to cram into my mouth.  I bought frankfurters for my lunch, trying to stop the carb creep but when I ate them, I felt angry.  Even though Friday was so wretched with the port I drank, I now want booze too.  Or at least the idea of it, I certainly don’t want to feel sick.

Just a few minutes ago, my mother called, she told me how lonely Christmas will be this year and her voice was so sad.  I didn’t know what to say because of my own mood, I didn’t want to break down and cry or say something to upset her further.

Husband says he will go to work tomorrow, maybe I ought to just have a damn bursting cry and let it all out after he leaves.  Or maybe, I will binge.

all-you-can-eat

Amulets of Protection

Ketosis=wellbeing.

It takes longer to get into ketosis.  It use to take about 4 days, now about 2 weeks.  True body-adaptive ketosis takes about 2-6 weeks. 

Ketosis has many benefits to me.  It evens out my mood swings.  It is effectively like being on Prozac.  Sometimes it even feels like zombiehood, I am not as emotionally reactive.  My appetite plummets, I begin to eat less naturally without thinking about it.  My hard round stomach begins to deflate, my ankles and hands take on more definition as the fluid begins to leave my body.  More importantly, my blood sugar hits and stays in the normal range, from the 200’s to the 80’s and 90’s.  The binge beast within starts to slumber.  What is not to relish about being in ketosis?  It feels like wellbeing to me!  I feel protected by the amulet of ketosis.  But there is the danger, feeling protected allows the enemy to slip through the crack of vulnerability.

Last night, I watched a vlog of an obese man who has just lost 29 pounds in 12 weeks on a low carb diet and is so thrilled, his whole being lit up describing how well he felt being in ketosis.  I smiled too, knowing how truly is the best thing to ever happen to an obese person struggling with appetite and hunger.  Eating unrefined fats, meats and green veggies can do miracles.  Then, in one stroke, one unguarded moment, ED slipped right in.  The man said that he loves eating low carb and enjoys the foods, but he’ll probably have a LITTLE cheat during Christmas because, as ED pointed out, it IS a holiday after all and this IS the real world.  My heart sank when I heard the words.  OMG.  ED talking through this man.  He did not hear it, but I did. 

One little cheat couldn’t hurt, right?  How many MILLIONS of times have I heard that before and believed it?  How many millions of times have I fallen into that trap?  I would not be obese today, had I just once and for all time stayed on my low carb diet.  The diet that I truly love the foods I can eat, feel satisfied and more importantly, can hear my body sing in happiness!  It’s absolute madness to leave ketosis and this diet. 

Yet, even with knowing that madness, remembering my own history with bingeing and dieting, even with all the scientific evidence, even with all the wealth of information on the health aspects, my own ED voice continues.  Today, I have to get whatever Scottish treats I can fit into the Christmas boxes I am sending to my parents and to my daughter and grandchildren.  As I tried to sort out what to buy, who would like what, I imagined the tastes and thought about the potential extra’s that would not fit in the boxes and that they would start to entice me into eating them.  The one thing ketosis does not do is stop ED’s voice.  Ketosis does lower the voice, but does not drown it out altogether.  As I wondered yesterday if I should bake husband’s favourite ginger biscuits, as I thought about what to serve for Christmas dinner, ED gathered strength.  This is HIS territory, he’s prepared to battle me to hold his ground.  Gee, and didn’t it cross my mind while preparing the grocery list that I miss salty oat porridge?  It’s so cheap!  I could have it for lunch and save money!

That vlog helped me realise that I am not in a protected zone at all.  Ketosis is health and wellbeing, it cannot protect me from the binge beast.  I never thought about it in quite this way before.  Perhaps because I never comprehended that I had an eating disorder.  As the SOS group reminds me every day, DON’T, NO MATTER WHAT.  That is the only thing that works.  I need to stop thinking there is an amulet to rely on.

I am heading in the right direction, but I am still learning.

Yesterday’s meals:
Porringer 1- 2 eggs, 2 rashers
Porringer 2- plain full fat yogurt
Porringer 3- 2 1/2 cumberland sausages, grated carrot, cauliflower, 2T brown gravy
Porringer 4- kebab meat, broccoli, brussel sprouts, onion, butter

Yesterday’s drinks:
3 pots of tea
1 glass of wine
4 cups of coffee with 2 tsp. double cream in each

Cover Up

I am now 6 days since the last carb binge and my appetite is definitely decreasing.  I have been able to eat three bowls for the last two days without any hunger grabbing me by the throat.  This is my normal pattern and timing when returning to low carb foods as my staple food.  Within the next few days I should be feeling a sense of wellbeing.

 

My digestion issues continue and I am really hoping it clears up today.  I did buy the plain, full fat yogurt and will have that at lunch for 3 more days hoping for a change in intestinal flora.  I went to the shops yesterday but could not find anything that would help.  The pharmacies were closed so today I will try once again.  I am tempted to do some sort of cleanse, but this is dangerous territory.  I think it is wiser to let the body do it’s own cleansing.  I am trying to learn to let my body do what it is designed to do and stop interfering because my mind wants quick and dramatic results.  It feels though it needs a nudge. 

 

Which is what I am also trying to do with the porringer.  I need to let it do what it does for me; guide my eating.  I noticed last night that the meal I made was pleasantly spicy and savoury.  I had an impulse to eat more but was not at all hungry.  In fact, with the digestion problem, I feel continually stuffed and uncomfortable.  The impulse was completely independent from my body’s need.   I thought about the impulse, what made it occur when there was no need for it?  What would I get out of eating more?  The risk of making my digestion even more off was quite real.  What was the need that was gathering strength to pressure me?

 

I looked at my porringer and thought of how complete it really is.  That bowl holds enough food for me to be satisfied physically.  The food tasted good so I should have been satisfied emotionally too.  I am about to say something that sounds utterly ridiculous, but it is true.  Being obese does not mean I am a food lover.  I don’t binge because I can’t get enough of food.  I never had that much interest in food to care much about it.  I enjoy the taste of some foods, but that is not what compels me to eat more.  Binge eating is like taking a sleeping pill.  You’re not trying to get high, you just want to relax enough to sleep.  It is the same with drinking, I am not interested in getting drunk or high, I just want to relax.  I know that I use food as a drug. 

 

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I eat (and drink) to cover up how I feel and to feel less anxious and to hide.

 

I read an autobiography about Oscar Levant years ago and was struck by his desire to be in a drug induced haze, it was likened to the bliss of a coma.  He was addicted to pain medications and talked about loving the feeling of nothingness.  The one and only time I had morphine while in labour, I remember thinking that had I access to the drug, I would have loved taking it.  I loved the twilight state under the influence of morphine.  Alcohol can create that state, but quickly launches into drunkenness.  It is very hard to control the level of alcohol, as the inhibition dissolves, so does the reasoning about when to stop.  Food is not as quick.  That relaxed state takes a lot of food to achieve numbness.  Carbs and sugar induce it the fastest and the hardest.  A dozen donuts can make me feel like I need to lay down and nap.  Still, food is not illegal, easier to obtain and the easiest to ingest because initially it is not as dangerous as drugs or alcohol. (Later, it can cause obesity and a host of other medical issues along with disordered thinking and addiction).

 

While I did not eat another bowl of the dinner last night, I did take several bites directly from the skillet of the minced beef mixture.  It was a compulsive move, a rebellion of sorts.  I recognised it and stopped.  I did not really want to stop, I wanted to throw logs onto the fire of that desire….but in the reality of it, it was not the food I really wanted.  Had there been a bottle of cognac in the pantry, I would have chosen that over the food.  If there had been morphine in the drawer, I would have chosen that over the cognac.  I there had been______ in my hand, I would have chosen that over the morphine.  I just don’t know what that ultimate ______ is.  In the meantime, I seem stuck in the desire with stuff to deaden the desire for whatever it is.

Mending

bitsy

 

Still feeling slightly headachy, pain in the small back, mild nausea.  My insides are disturbed and I may have been too heavy on the fats before it was ready to handle it.  It was easy to stick to the three porringers yesterday and I think it helped me feel slightly better today.  I think for awhile, I will switch to having yogurt for lunch and see if that helps get the intestinal bugs back in the right balance.

 

I think the slight improvement I feel this morning is because I ate less yesterday.  I really like how that feels, not to be starving, but to feel less burdened by food.  I thought about those with bulimia, how they eat until so stuffed they feel a need to purge.  I can eat to the point of pain, but I cannot stand the purging part, I merely slept it off when I was more actively bingeing.  Back then, I used bingeing as a coma inducing method of avoidance.  It pushed me into sleeping.  I think that is also why I ate so much right before bedtime so many years ago.  I’d even eat in bed, it was a favourite thing to do, read and eat.  I am so far away from that now.  Being married has changed my habits dramatically.

 

I keep catching myself saying ”I need to make a decision…” about some sort of food.  It’s one of the many lies the ED voice likes to use.  It sounds so official, like I am taking charge of a problem and about to solve it.  I see it as the illusion of waving a magic wand and POOF, the problem vanishes permanently, never to return.  Making a decision about something means nothing unless enforced.  Enforced means working it, doing it, causing it to match the intention…..every single time.  This morning, I thought the same old familiar ”I should make a decision about sugar”.  It would make me feel in control of my eating disorder if I could make a rule and that rule would prevent the event from happening.  So if I said firmly, ”no more sugar in any form” then that would take care of the problem.  Where I falter in this, is believing the rule has the finality of a direct order from a supreme authority, it cannot be broken.  Within a short period of time, I defy the order.  I break the rule.  Did I not create the rule of three porringers a day, and then promptly break it? 

 

This stuff drives me crazy.  I have to keep swinging it around to the light and looking at it.  The ways my mind works around food and eating is so deeply ingrained that I don’t always catch the ED voice.  It’s too smooth, too soothing, too familiar to notice it is killing me.  Sleeping with the enemy.  I often think I am in control and often it proves just how in control it is.

 

Still, there is a ray of feeling better today.  I will go and get some yogurt, give my insides something to work with and see if a hot water bottle will help the lower back, and find something to do to ease the day through the paces.

 

Yesterday:
Porringer 1- 2 eggs, 2 rashers, 2 coffee with double cream
Porringer 2- half filled with plain yogurt
Porringer 3- 2 small minced beef patties with sautéed onion, roasted carrot with butter, 1 glass of wine
2 coffee with double cream, 3 chocolates