Today was a whirlwind for me, something that I need to sort out in my mind.
This morning, I nearly cancelled the car hire a few times, thinking to postpone it until another day. Why? Because of the need to push the unfamiliar, the unknown away thinking that I will be able to deal with it better at another time. This is critical for me to look at in the glaring light of discomfort. I binge eat or drink a bit too much to do the same thing, postpone dealing with that which makes me squirm. I had to literally force myself to go to the hospital in an unfamiliar town and see the doctor. I reminded myself that if I didn’t, I would have to once again go through the squirmies, and why not just get it over with?
I have not seen this type of doctor in a long time and I was a little wide eyed about it because of that. I knew I possibly had a condition that warranted a specialist, but at the same time, I did not want to know it. It wouldn’t be the end of the world, but it’s not exactly something one would wish to have. Another condition of aging.
The driver for the car hire (in the UK a hackney cab can pick one up on the street, but a car hire is ordered in advance, they can only drive people about on a direct request) came promptly on time and was very kind and that helped me relax a bit. He knew where to go, which building of the hospital and although I was a bit apprehensive to enter a hospital, I soon found the ward with the doctor I needed to see and checked in. The doctor was amazing and really kind and did not treat me like a child nor made me feel like a number. He had a wonderful sense of humour and decided to make me learn how to pronounce a few Scottish words correctly. He really eased my anxiety in no time at all. But the diagnosis was as I suspected and I was not happy about it at all. Luckily it did not come as a shock. I am to return in April for a follow up visit and he will determine at that time if a biopsy is needed.
Part of the anxiety is all the first times of learning how they do everything here and it is different in so many weird little ways. At the GP, there is a screen in the waiting room where my name will appear and tell me what room to go to. I have to find the GP’s room on my own. No nurse comes out to get me. At the hospital, the doctor came to get me in the waiting room. Both places, I am asked to undress and they stay in the room as I take my clothes off and put them back on.
I ended up needing a prescription, so let me mention how that works. The specialist wrote up a hand written letter and stuck a bar code sticker on it and put it into an envelope and handed it to me. He said to take it either to my GP or the chemist. I stopped at the chemist after I got home and they said it had to go to my GP first and they would provide the medication. I thought how odd, that the GP would dispense the medication. I went to the GP and they took the letter and told me to come back after 3pm. I came back at that time and it wasn’t ready. They said to come back before 6pm. I did, and they handed me a printout form for the medication. By this time I was irritable and I had to take another deep breath or I was going to spout some displeasure at the roundabout I was going through.
I asked what was I do do with this (I was fairly sure it was to go to the chemist, but I wasn’t about to miss the mark late on a Friday). The doctor stressed he wanted me on the medication as soon as possible. So I angrily walked once more to the chemist and waited for them to fill it, but they did not have enough and I am to come back tomorrow for the rest. I got a little piece of paper that says OWING NOTICE, which I guess is like an IOU. I sure did miss the American way of the doctor phoning the medication directly to the pharmacy. Sigh. It literally took me all day to get this one appointment done. But I was relieved when all was finally over.
Even so, there was plenty of stress overload and I did pop into the shop and bought three rolls, a small tray of breadsticks, 6 chocolate chip cookies (bakery style) and a small bag of tortilla chips. I ate two of the rolls, a few breadsticks and some of the tortilla chips. I ate all of the cookies, felt overly full after downing two pots of tea and was about to hide the leftovers, when I decided not to. No, I had a unnerving day and I am not going to change my binge behaviour as long as I continue to hide it. I took another mega huge deep breath and prepared myself to tell husband about the money I took out for the car hire, the hospital visit, the diagnosis, the extra food I ate and be honest about all of it to prevent further stress. I did tell him all, including the fears I experienced and it was an enormous sense of release. He did not day a negative word about any of it, was comforting and low and behold, brought home chocolates and candy, his day was stressful too.
These were taken from my new mobile phone, wow, so crisp and clear compared to my regular camera! This was one of the buildings at the Royal Alexandra Hospital that I went to today. It was a nice mild day and I wished to take a walk amongst these trees, but I was waiting for the car hire.
Also, as I was waiting on the prescription to be filled, I popped into a charity shop and found a bowl I could not resist. I think it is a serving bowl, perhaps for an Indian restaurant, as it is copper on the outside and stainless steel on the inside, and there is an insulating space between the two layers. The bowl fits wonderfully in the hand, which is one thing I have missed about using the porringer, is that it has a rimmed bottom and is uncomfortable to hold and there is no heat protection, I have to place it on a mat sometimes to prevent marring the table. In Hawaii, I ate from a round bottom stainless steel rice bowl that was insulated and I loved holding it and using chopsticks. There is a connected feeling about eating out of hand, and as I held this copper bowl in the shop, I instantly felt an attachment to it. It was £4, I shouldn’t have spent the money after the £20 I spent on car hire and the £3 I spent on junk foods, but I wanted it badly. I have a thing for bowls, I know.
Here it is compared to the pewter porringer. I also grabbed the insulated Quantas Airlines mug I drank from for a year because it seemed to go well with the new shiny bowl.
Fitting ever so nicely in the hand, I smiled to remember this feeling. How nice to be able to eat hot or cold foods without feeling it in the hand.
Here you can see how round the bottom is. It is heavy and well made, which is why I think it may be restaurant ware.
Hard to see, but I filled the pewter porringer with water and dumped it in this bowl to check the volume. This bowl does hold a bit more, I place the tip of the spoon handle at the water level. About half an inch more to fill to the first rim.
I ate dinner from the pewter and plan on trying the copper bowl tomorrow at lunch time when I can use my chopsticks and eat away from the table, with the bowl in hand. I am pretty excited about it!