New Years Eve Meals

Yesterday’s Meals:

Porringer 1- 2 eggs, 2 rashers, 2 cup coffee with 4 tsp. double cream
Porringer 2- pot of tea, pot of pate
Porringer 3- 2 glasses of wine, baked cod fish, melted butter, creamed spinach

Evening coffee- 2 cup coffee with 4 tsp double cream, small dark chocolate bar
11pm: assorted cheeses, salami, whisky

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Husband’s lamb chops, my cod. 

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Nothing happened in our little burgh last night to celebrate Hogmanay.  Nada.  At least not on the streets, there may have been lots of private parties.  The idiot in the flat below us who hollers in a drunken rage nearly every evening, kept his appointed time, but it seemed not to have anything to do with Hogmanay.  There were no people on the streets, the pub across from us had few people lounging outside for their smokes.  We stayed up until 11:45 and went to bed out of pure boredom laced with the tiredness that comes in middle age.  These late night holidays lose their lustre.

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Irish coffee and chocolate.

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I had an interesting experience yesterday, I had a ho-hum reaction to drinking whisky.  I drank some in my coffee, then had a glass with a film because I had looked forward to it.  I sipped it slowly and felt that it was rough and not as delightful of a taste as I use to think it was.  I sort of enjoyed it, but more in a celebratory way and not because I really wanted it.  I am not sure what I am trying to say, but it seems booze has lost it’s exalted status in my mind.

The chocolate too was good, fine and melty rich, but one bite made me nearly recoil.  I thought to myself, these treats that have been revered and coveted have somehow lost their magical appeal.  What I really thoroughly enjoyed the most yesterday was the cod with melted butter and the cheese and salami.  Those foods made me smile inside.  I never thought I would feel that way about booze or chocolate.  I knew it was more than just this experience, because the last few times I had these things, I felt the same way.  After the two shots of whisky, I felt it’s roughness and had a stop inner STOP.  So I did. It seems my body didn’t want it either.  Is this all an aging thing?  Does nature step in and make us protect ourselves from stuff we no longer have use of?  Husband was amazed when he saw the bottle still had whisky in it this morning.

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Husband was in last supper mode yesterday, snack eating nearly all day and again right after dinner.  He was so stuffed he moaned.  Before we fell asleep, we talked about what to do and I said the best laid foundation is to eat three meals a day and drop the between meal eating completely.  I believe it’s best to continue to adjust the three meals until they work, whether to feel better nutritionally, or to maintain weight or even to lose weight.  It’s the simplest form of managed eating there can be.  Easy peasy.  He agreed but he has two more days off of work and there is ice cream in the freezer and candy in the cupboard and he will be struggling.  I am sure he will find his momentum, but I know what it is like for days after overeating, it is so hard to get that dragon back to sleep.

This morning, we had our usual breakfast and watched the rain.

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It is 9am and you can see how dark it is.  It will get this dark around 3pm too.   

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That is husband’s chair, mine has a red shawl over the back.  It is where I sit when writing here, for the most part, my little world.  We don’t watch TV (or have one) so husband puts BBC news on and we can see it from the table.    Some day this desk set will be in a den and we can have a couple of leather comfortable sitting chairs again.  I miss having a reading place.

If you are interested in history, the kitchen area was originally two bed closets, one facing this room and the other facing the back room.  Where the desk back is, was the fireplace.  This was the main room.  Our bedroom was the large kitchen.  These old flats were all designed the same, and we see the same set up in the flats we look at all over Scotland.  Husband is determined to move this year north, to be closer to work.  We’ll see what happens.  If I start work here, it may not be necessary to move.  If I don’t find work, he wants to save on the train fare.

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I have continued to give it a lot of thought about any changes I might want to do for 2013, and there are a few small ones.  I noticed for quite some time that my habit of drinking two cups of coffee is more ingrained than it is a desire for it.  I often sip the second cup and wonder why I am drinking it.  I am getting a STOP about it more often than not, so I am going to experiment with just serving myself one cup.

I had also been giving thought to my carbohydrate intake and my diabetes.  I am out of test strips and can no longer monitor my blood sugar readings.  When I was at the doctor’s, she tested and said I was fine.  While I do binge on sweets, my normal everyday diet is pretty low in carbs.  My highest carbs come from the wine, carrots, sausages and sauces.  I thought about getting back to a ketogenic level, but I still have to tread water in this realm, it can so easily spark reactive crap, like soon wanting to count, weigh, compare, log data, create charts…..and the usual resentment builds, the panic sets in and creates rules and more restrictions and soon I am back in the clutches of ED and his lurid seductions. 

I think it is best to focus not so much about what I put in my porringer but more on the number of times I fill it a day.  I think I would like to stick to three and as I suggested to husband, learn to adjust the amount and type of food to make it work.  I have already mentioned this idea several times in my posts, but I am still trying to sort it in my head so that I grasp the truth of it and not just create a rule to be easily messed with.

Happy New Year!

Yesterday’s Meals:

Porringer 1- 2 eggs, 2 rashers, 2 cup coffee with 4 tsp. double cream
Porringer 2- pot of tea, pot of pate
Porringer 3- glass of wine, kebab meat, swede, leek, curry sauce

Evening coffee- 2 cup coffee with 4 tsp. double cream, 3 humbugs, 2 chocolates
Later- pot of tea, 2 slices cheddar, 3 slices salami

With husband’s many days off, we have been slipping into staying up later, usually midnight and getting up around 7-8am.  As we eat dinner at 4-5pm, we do get hungry later.  I have continued to stay with my porringer and found that the bit of cheese and salami is plenty to satisfy those late night hours. 

I had planned on writing up a big 2012 review of all that affected my eating choices, going over it in minute detail, but here, today, on Hogmanay, I am not really wanting to do it.  I would much rather take care of today and let the past year and the new year be and become what it did or will.  I am putting on my Zen hat today.

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2012 was indeed a year I won’t soon forget. I lived in Hawaii, Colorado and Scotland.  I played with my grandchildren, swam in the Pacific ocean, walked my grandson to school every day in the tropical misty rain.  I re-joined husband in Colorado and together, we let go of 90% of all we owned and shipped the 10% to the UK.  We visited London and Stonehenge, drove up through Wales and the English country side to our new home in Scotland.  What an amazing adventure that was!  It was fun getting to know our new home, getting the chance to see Edinburgh and Lock Lomond before turning in the car rental.  Never did such an adventure ever seem possible to me, and here I am living it. 

Lately, I have been feeling a sense of peacefulness and calm.  I have not been overly reactive to the perpetual small binges I keep alive.  I have not reprimanded myself or allowed the new year diet hoopla get under my skin.  When I am calm, I am less reactive and less likely to over react and make rash decisions that are not going to solve the issue at hand.  I have felt the pull several times to begin the new year with watertight weight loss resolutions and then I smile and realize that what nonsense that all is.  Sounds noble, seems plausible and yet it has never been the true catalyst to change.  2012 brought a lot of changes for me, but I think starting the Pewter Porringer blog has helped me understand my disordered thoughts about myself, my eating and the path I really want to take to let wellbeing blossom and thrive.

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My few remaining not-so-optimal eating decisions are very easy to remedy without making it a major battle cry of reform.  There is no overhaul to accomplish, I do not need to start at square one, I am well on my way as it is.  I need to continue to practice the teachings of Buddha and allow myself to fully experience the here and now by being present in my own life.  The porringer continues to be my guide that keeps eating in balance.  For 2013, I want to drop all eating out of hand and eat exclusively from the porringer to see what that experience brings me.  I also want to let go of built up resentments, fears and stop the grumpy old woman from taking residence in my body, heart and mind.

There are a few celebratory foods for today planned.  I am making husband lamb chops for dinner and I am having steamed cod with melted butter.  With that, creamed spinach and he gets his beloved potatoes.  We have an extraordinary bottle of wine to go with it.  Later, closer to midnight, I will prepare a cheese and salami tray, husband will get ryvita and we will have an Irish coffee (with whisky) to go with it.   There are two small bars of dark chocolate and a box of 7 ice cream snickers bars.  Of that stuff, I do not know what I will have, because I have learned not to plan or make rules about food in advance, because it sets off ED like nothing else.  I keep my mind clear so that he hasn’t anything to say and I decide at the last minute what to have or not have, letting how I feel in that moment take care of itself.  It took me a very long time to trust myself in making decisions, I use to believe that if I did not have a plan in place I would fail.  What a joke that was, because all the planning in advance never kept me from bingeing if that is what ED got the upper hand in.  If ED knows I am resolute on not eating something, I can be damned sure he’ll find a way to change my mind!  Why give him that power?  Keep him guessing always works to MY advantage.

So Happy New Years to all of you!  Keep on dancing!

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Our Christmas Meal

We kept our Christmas meal pretty simple this year and didn’t load up on side dishes or homemade desserts.  For one, I didn’t really want to invest in the pantry ingredients like sugar and flour and all the other stuff, and for second, neither of us wanted tons of sweet stuff on hand.  When we were in Glasgow yesterday, we picked up a mini tin of Danish cookies, some marzipan batons, and chocolates so that I could avoid all home baking and excess.

Dinner was a roast beef and root veggies.  I did not make the yorkshire pudding I originally had planned on.  Thankful that I didn’t. 

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Altogether the veggies were a leek, 1 yam, 1/2 swede, 2 turnips, 2 carrots and 3 potatoes.  The potatoes went to husband, I had some of the rest, but there is still some leftover.

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Veggies ready to add to the roast beef.  Stuffed with sausage mushroom caps.

I baked the roast in the cast iron dutch skillet for 1 hour (150c) and poured off the juices for the gravy.  I added the veggies and checked after another hour and it was all done!  I had expected another 30 minutes to an hour, so I was caught off guard with that and did not have time to bake the mushroom caps!  That will have to wait for tomorrow’s dinner of leftovers.

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The roast turned out great!  I had cut slits in all over the top and inserted garlic cloves, seasoned with rosemary, garlic, and a general seasoning mix. The juices made a fabulous deep rich sauce, I have to say one of my best attempts!  Ib dashed some wine in the sauce, so that may have made it bloom with those juices!

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The fork is a huge meat fork, the roast is quite large and did not shrink as much as I expected it would. Light pink in the middle (so tender!) and nicely brown around the edges. 

Christmas 2012 005 The wine was one of our favourites, bad photo because it is not hot pink, it is a deep burgundy colour.

039 Lagunilla Rioja Reserva.  So deep, rich and earthy.  80% tempranello, 20% granacha.  Aged 2 years in oak barrels.

Later, Ib made Irish coffee with:

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We had a few treats with the Irish coffee.

Much later, a final touch…..whisky and chocolate!

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Today I will be making risengrod the old fashioned way and we’ll have leftover beef and veggies, plus I want to try a traditional Christmas pudding:

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So nice that these things are so small….

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Just perfect for two people and not left with too much in leftovers.

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I realise that this is all image heavy and it is actually a copy from another blog I share with family, so it is all cheerful and meant to be light-hearted.

So I want to show what we ate, how we kept it minimal, how we wanted to have a nice Christmas together as our last three were ‘’situationally’’ separated.  Last year I was in Hawaii with my daughter, both years before that, I was home waiting for husband to come home and he got dispatched at the last minute and was away making deliveries.  It was important to us to celebrate several things together this Christmas, one of them being a really nice meal together since we are so sparse otherwise.

For us (as with most people) food is a source of sharing and celebration, but for us, it is getting more difficult to tolerate the foods we once enjoyed.  Both of us noticed this morning that the above grains and sugar wrecked havoc on how we feel.  I had only two shots of whisky (I had planned on more but just couldn’t), and had perfectly normal portions of treats, (actually on the small side) and yet my body seems to be bloated, a mass of fluid retention and my joints ache.  Husband says he also feels bloated and uncomfortable.  This was after many hours of walking yesterday and lots of fresh air.  The fatigue today is incredibly annoying and it seems at our age, these things are felt so much more than ever in the past.

oh, I forgot, we did share a fish and chips for lunch:

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One piece of fish each and the tray closest is mine, with the amount of chips I ate. (more starch and grains).

Today, I plan on at least tasting the Christmas pudding for our first year in the UK and I will have some of the risengrod, but other than that, I can feel that the grains and sugar must be taken back out of the diet, for even this much for Christmas is doing damage I cannot afford.

Oh, and for good news, I finally have health care and several appointments set up in January…so perhaps all will get a good evaluation and I can work on this weight and wellbeing thing with a better understanding of what I need to do.

The Incredible Heaviness of Being

Not having much to say these days.  Not bingeing, but eating a handful of biscuits every morning with my midmorning pot of tea.  Today I also had eggrolls this afternoon and became sick from them. Since when do eggroll have corn in them? Terrible stuff. I tried to eat a few bites of dinner and pushed it aside.  Just not happening.

Longing to be back in ketosis and will be working on that pronto. 

I took a couple of walks this week and was upset at how I could hardly breathe in the bitter cold and how it aggravated nearly every muscle in my body when trying to walk on the icy ground.  I went to feed the birds this morning and I hurt by the time I got home and was wheezing.  It was cold!  I had to wear my rabbit fur earmuffs.  Yeah, that cold.

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I still need to work on our holiday meal plans, maybe I can get that done tomorrow.  Husband said he wants it simple and wholesome, so it will probably be a roast beef for Christmas and lamb for New Years.  We’ll see.  We have set aside a few bottles of really excellent wine and we need a bottle of good whisky so we can have Irish coffee’s with cream in the evening closer to the holidays.  If I can keep it here in this vein, I can keep it low carb.

I am back to feeling like a lead weight and tired all the time.  Once wheat and sugar get back in my system, I feel the incredible heaviness over take me.  My mood plummets and depression is knocking at the door.

I swore I would not do it, but jumped into my nutritional program to check on where I would be at with everything if I ate basically the same thing every day.  Since we always eat the same thing for breakfast, I could also eat the same thing for lunch and let dinner be some sort of half meat and half veggie.  This is still eating from the porringer, but I did measure and weigh the coffee and cream, and the wine to get the most accurate calorie counts.  I used the carrot as the veggie counts, as that is the highest carb count in veggies that I eat.  So I think for most days, I would be just under 1200 calories with a ketogenic 5% carbs, moderate 15% protein and high 70% fat intake.  This is considered the optimal levels for a ketogenic diet for weight loss.  The calories are the least important number, but I feel better when I stay under 1600 calories.

So the only change I would make from what I doing, is the consistent yogurt lunch.  In a way, this might help me from giving food too much thought during the day and the pro-biotics would be a tremendous help.  I found one that has live cultures in a local shop.  Tastes good too.

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So this is my plan starting tomorrow.  See if I can get back to feeling good again.  I am once again in the recovery period.  Drat it all to hell. Grains and sugar be damned.

Amulets of Protection

Ketosis=wellbeing.

It takes longer to get into ketosis.  It use to take about 4 days, now about 2 weeks.  True body-adaptive ketosis takes about 2-6 weeks. 

Ketosis has many benefits to me.  It evens out my mood swings.  It is effectively like being on Prozac.  Sometimes it even feels like zombiehood, I am not as emotionally reactive.  My appetite plummets, I begin to eat less naturally without thinking about it.  My hard round stomach begins to deflate, my ankles and hands take on more definition as the fluid begins to leave my body.  More importantly, my blood sugar hits and stays in the normal range, from the 200’s to the 80’s and 90’s.  The binge beast within starts to slumber.  What is not to relish about being in ketosis?  It feels like wellbeing to me!  I feel protected by the amulet of ketosis.  But there is the danger, feeling protected allows the enemy to slip through the crack of vulnerability.

Last night, I watched a vlog of an obese man who has just lost 29 pounds in 12 weeks on a low carb diet and is so thrilled, his whole being lit up describing how well he felt being in ketosis.  I smiled too, knowing how truly is the best thing to ever happen to an obese person struggling with appetite and hunger.  Eating unrefined fats, meats and green veggies can do miracles.  Then, in one stroke, one unguarded moment, ED slipped right in.  The man said that he loves eating low carb and enjoys the foods, but he’ll probably have a LITTLE cheat during Christmas because, as ED pointed out, it IS a holiday after all and this IS the real world.  My heart sank when I heard the words.  OMG.  ED talking through this man.  He did not hear it, but I did. 

One little cheat couldn’t hurt, right?  How many MILLIONS of times have I heard that before and believed it?  How many millions of times have I fallen into that trap?  I would not be obese today, had I just once and for all time stayed on my low carb diet.  The diet that I truly love the foods I can eat, feel satisfied and more importantly, can hear my body sing in happiness!  It’s absolute madness to leave ketosis and this diet. 

Yet, even with knowing that madness, remembering my own history with bingeing and dieting, even with all the scientific evidence, even with all the wealth of information on the health aspects, my own ED voice continues.  Today, I have to get whatever Scottish treats I can fit into the Christmas boxes I am sending to my parents and to my daughter and grandchildren.  As I tried to sort out what to buy, who would like what, I imagined the tastes and thought about the potential extra’s that would not fit in the boxes and that they would start to entice me into eating them.  The one thing ketosis does not do is stop ED’s voice.  Ketosis does lower the voice, but does not drown it out altogether.  As I wondered yesterday if I should bake husband’s favourite ginger biscuits, as I thought about what to serve for Christmas dinner, ED gathered strength.  This is HIS territory, he’s prepared to battle me to hold his ground.  Gee, and didn’t it cross my mind while preparing the grocery list that I miss salty oat porridge?  It’s so cheap!  I could have it for lunch and save money!

That vlog helped me realise that I am not in a protected zone at all.  Ketosis is health and wellbeing, it cannot protect me from the binge beast.  I never thought about it in quite this way before.  Perhaps because I never comprehended that I had an eating disorder.  As the SOS group reminds me every day, DON’T, NO MATTER WHAT.  That is the only thing that works.  I need to stop thinking there is an amulet to rely on.

I am heading in the right direction, but I am still learning.

Yesterday’s meals:
Porringer 1- 2 eggs, 2 rashers
Porringer 2- plain full fat yogurt
Porringer 3- 2 1/2 cumberland sausages, grated carrot, cauliflower, 2T brown gravy
Porringer 4- kebab meat, broccoli, brussel sprouts, onion, butter

Yesterday’s drinks:
3 pots of tea
1 glass of wine
4 cups of coffee with 2 tsp. double cream in each

Wellbeing and Birthday Plans

I am absolutely in a wonderful blissful place right now.  I noticed both last night and this morning at how well I felt.  The cold is completely gone, the bloat and heaviness is gone and the lovely lull of the three porringers a day is keeping me feeling steady on and normal in my eating.

 

My meals are naturally decreasing in amount and the fat content is rising just as naturally.  For instance, earlier in the week, when I was recouping from the last carby binge, in order to make sure I did not feel deprived, I had 4 cumberland sausages for dinner with my cabbage.  Last night, I was fine with two.  I see it as the body regulating itself naturally when it has the right foods to digest to begin with.  I also notice my desire for more fat increasing, I poured the sausage pan drippings on my cabbage, even though I had generously braised it in beef lard and broth.  I have to say that dinner tasted marvellous!

 

I had to buy the usual weekly groceries yesterday.  I made sure I had satisfying foods for my lunches.  I bought high fat salami, liver pate, extra eggs and fish to make a mayonnaise based salad with.

 

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The salami was really good, tender and not chewy with all the fat.  I know it looks a mess!

I had a boiled egg with herring roe, raw carrot slices with crab pate, a bit of leftover cooked cauliflower with mayonnaise added (mini salad style). 

 

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Here is the lunch yesterday shown above as I serve it every day, on a tray with a pot of tea.  We eat at the table for breakfast and dinner, but usually have lunch at our dual desks.

 

 

I was careful to buy enough food to keep me out of the shops until Tuesday.  Husband returns to work on Monday which will be a touchy day for me, it is the usual binge day.   Tuesday is my birthday and it is already planned to have a fish and chips dinner as I have mentioned in the last post.  I mulled over what to do about lunch that day and after being so pleased with how I feel today, I don’t want to go back to feeling terrible with a carby binge (as bingeing was definitely on my mind as an option).  After thinking about it, I decided that I really wanted a lovely massive minced beef patty with cheddar cheese melted inside.   In America they called them juicy lucy’s and I adored them.   I will make one that will fit in the bowl.  On Tuesday I will go to the shop for 2 bottles of stout beer for our dinner and a package of merengue’s that I will dollop clotted cream on, and stop at the bakery and get Husband the ginger cake slices he really likes.   I think with the grain that will be in the fish batter, I do not want to keep adding more to it through dessert or a lunch binge.  Instead, I am opting for more sugar than grain through the merengue’s, stout and port.  

 

I feel much better about the choices.   Although I talk about keeping the carbs low, it is only because it has proven to me time and time again how well I feel choosing these types of food.  I am trying not to think of them as an alternative diet or weight loss method.  It’s not always easy for me with all my disordered eating thinking and patterns, but I am truly finding this porringer experiment to be a way of bringing me peace and it does have a calming effect on me.  Having the fish and chips was a difficult decision, because it was a high carb food choice.  With my single rule of eating exclusively from the porringer and no restrictions on what goes in the bowl, there are no carbohydrate numbers to mess up my thinking.  Yet, I know from long experience that I will feel much better the less grains and sugar I take in.  For me, normalising and balancing my eating is more important than being locked in numbers and food ideals.  I am working on finding that balance between planning what to eat (which takes on obsessive and wasted time thoughts) and just putting food in the bowl and calling it a complete meal as is.

 

Just this morning, as I was putting my hair up, I was standing in front of the mirror and noticing that how well I felt inside did not match up with the visual image of my body.  It didn’t help that because it is so cold in our bedroom, I had on multiple layers of clothing!  I had on thick socks, cotton knit lounge pants, a long old fashioned cotton night gown, a sweater and over all, my cooking apron.  I looked awful, massively huge and downright ugly.  The thoughts started to churn about how fat I have gotten once again and how I have let myself go, which started the restrictive eating thoughts.  I was ready to cancel the birthday dinner and punish myself with a lettuce leaf and water.  I felt in that murky thought pattern that I was unworthy of eating fish and chips, a beloved meal from my childhood.  It took time to work through the black thoughts, look at everything with the goal of something far more reasonable and that is why I am pleased with the choices, making a compromise of balanced choices, letting go of binge thoughts and a pleasant promise to myself not to get restrictive and over react to visual cues.  I will let the bowl take care of my meal size, I will let the clotted cream create the delight of a rich and fancy dessert.  And I will sip on my bottle of port and watch film noir all day! 

 

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