One Binge for November, What a FABULOUS Thing!

Yesterday’s meals:
Porringer 1- 2 eggs, 2 rashers
Porringer 2- mixed nuts
Porringer 3- few slices of German salami
Porringer 4- 3 cumberlands, cabbage, turnip, carrot, onion

Yesterday’s drinks:
3 pots of tea
1 glass of wine
1/2 pint Guinness
4 cups of coffee with 2 tsp. double cream in each

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Cooking the cabbage, turnip, carrot, onion mixture.  You can see my porringer warming up in the back area.

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The cumberlands before they are browned.

November has been a terribly challenging month for me.  A birthday month, a transitional month and a dedication to getting my eating stabilized away from bingeing.  I had only 1 binge in November, on my birthday.  Granted, there were a few situations that helped me not binge; husband was home for a week early in the month and I did not have to deal with Thanksgiving (or Halloween for that matter, which candy leftovers use to stray into November).  It’s been a challenge to get the binge beast asleep, but at least I can claim he is officially slumbering because of what happened yesterday.

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It was the day I needed to shop for the treats I was sending to my family for Christmas, a taste of Scotland.  This meant purposely confronting the teacakes and biscuits head on, mulling over them, handling them, taking them home and worrying about having leftovers that won’t fit into the box.  Here was stage for the potential binge, with all kinds of predictable ED thinking about to use the mega horn.
Before I left, I carefully studied the two boxes I had to send the treats in to get a feel for how much they could hold.  I made a list of the types of goodies to go in each box, more child oriented stuff for the grandchildren, more cooking related stuff for my parents.  That gave me something to hold and look at while in the store, reminding me there was a purpose and this was not a free-for-all binge quest.  Off I went and found myself going about it just fine.  I saw a small packet of mixed nuts on sale, so I bought that as a low carb treat just in case ED decided to speak up.  Amazingly, he did not.  Not one sound was uttered!  I was really surprized by this.

When I got home, I heated the nuts in the oven and the amount filled my porringer about 3/4 full.  I put on some Christmas music, busied myself with wrapping the packages and snacked on the nuts.  I was disappointed in them, they were stale and tasteless.  I ate about half and poured the rest back into the bag (which husband relished when he got home).  He kept telling me that he thought they tasted good and then it hit me, my appetite is dropping so fast now that nothing tastes as good as it did before ketosis hit.  Now that I think back on it, at the beginning of the week, I noticed that the dinners had a distinct nutmeg flavour which was odd.  I didn’t like it.  I think this was the changeover point, from burning carbs for fuel to burning fat. 
I felt sort of nauseated the rest of the day from the nuts and I wondered why I had craved them so since leaving America.  They no longer appeal to me as a meal, perhaps a few at a time, but I remember when I could not stop eating them before this. 

Later in the day, I had a few slices of paper thin sliced salami which was just to settle the queasiness of the nuts in my stomach.  It was really odd to me that all these biscuits in my hands and in my face did not stir up ED at all. 

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Everything is now boxed, addressed and ready to go to the post office this morning.  Tomorrow, husband has his work Christmas party and will be gone for the afternoon.  I had bought a bottle of port (which I stashed away) for my own little Christmas party and also bought a bag previously of monkey nuts to roast in the oven.  But now it does not appeal to me at all.  I don’t want an excess of anything. 

What is really weird, is that I can say that and still not comprehend it.  Not want an excess?  How can this be?  Here’s my chance to binge, sight unseen, in the glory of privacy and under the disguise of a deserved pity party.  Husband will be having fun, I want to have fun too!  But as I am writing this, it feels all so hollow and untrue.  I want to feel good, not stuffed and tipsy.  I want to feel sharp and clear, not tired and dull from drink.  As soon as I can wrap my head around the switch being flipped into the off position, I am sure I will gladly embrace the change.  Ketosis, I love you!

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Amulets of Protection

Ketosis=wellbeing.

It takes longer to get into ketosis.  It use to take about 4 days, now about 2 weeks.  True body-adaptive ketosis takes about 2-6 weeks. 

Ketosis has many benefits to me.  It evens out my mood swings.  It is effectively like being on Prozac.  Sometimes it even feels like zombiehood, I am not as emotionally reactive.  My appetite plummets, I begin to eat less naturally without thinking about it.  My hard round stomach begins to deflate, my ankles and hands take on more definition as the fluid begins to leave my body.  More importantly, my blood sugar hits and stays in the normal range, from the 200’s to the 80’s and 90’s.  The binge beast within starts to slumber.  What is not to relish about being in ketosis?  It feels like wellbeing to me!  I feel protected by the amulet of ketosis.  But there is the danger, feeling protected allows the enemy to slip through the crack of vulnerability.

Last night, I watched a vlog of an obese man who has just lost 29 pounds in 12 weeks on a low carb diet and is so thrilled, his whole being lit up describing how well he felt being in ketosis.  I smiled too, knowing how truly is the best thing to ever happen to an obese person struggling with appetite and hunger.  Eating unrefined fats, meats and green veggies can do miracles.  Then, in one stroke, one unguarded moment, ED slipped right in.  The man said that he loves eating low carb and enjoys the foods, but he’ll probably have a LITTLE cheat during Christmas because, as ED pointed out, it IS a holiday after all and this IS the real world.  My heart sank when I heard the words.  OMG.  ED talking through this man.  He did not hear it, but I did. 

One little cheat couldn’t hurt, right?  How many MILLIONS of times have I heard that before and believed it?  How many millions of times have I fallen into that trap?  I would not be obese today, had I just once and for all time stayed on my low carb diet.  The diet that I truly love the foods I can eat, feel satisfied and more importantly, can hear my body sing in happiness!  It’s absolute madness to leave ketosis and this diet. 

Yet, even with knowing that madness, remembering my own history with bingeing and dieting, even with all the scientific evidence, even with all the wealth of information on the health aspects, my own ED voice continues.  Today, I have to get whatever Scottish treats I can fit into the Christmas boxes I am sending to my parents and to my daughter and grandchildren.  As I tried to sort out what to buy, who would like what, I imagined the tastes and thought about the potential extra’s that would not fit in the boxes and that they would start to entice me into eating them.  The one thing ketosis does not do is stop ED’s voice.  Ketosis does lower the voice, but does not drown it out altogether.  As I wondered yesterday if I should bake husband’s favourite ginger biscuits, as I thought about what to serve for Christmas dinner, ED gathered strength.  This is HIS territory, he’s prepared to battle me to hold his ground.  Gee, and didn’t it cross my mind while preparing the grocery list that I miss salty oat porridge?  It’s so cheap!  I could have it for lunch and save money!

That vlog helped me realise that I am not in a protected zone at all.  Ketosis is health and wellbeing, it cannot protect me from the binge beast.  I never thought about it in quite this way before.  Perhaps because I never comprehended that I had an eating disorder.  As the SOS group reminds me every day, DON’T, NO MATTER WHAT.  That is the only thing that works.  I need to stop thinking there is an amulet to rely on.

I am heading in the right direction, but I am still learning.

Yesterday’s meals:
Porringer 1- 2 eggs, 2 rashers
Porringer 2- plain full fat yogurt
Porringer 3- 2 1/2 cumberland sausages, grated carrot, cauliflower, 2T brown gravy
Porringer 4- kebab meat, broccoli, brussel sprouts, onion, butter

Yesterday’s drinks:
3 pots of tea
1 glass of wine
4 cups of coffee with 2 tsp. double cream in each

Off Monday

Not a good start to the day and I am confounded as to why.  Lower back ache, arthritic hip, unknown exhaustion and a queasiness.  This brings on irritation.  I strongly felt it this morning while husband made all his usual loud noises and it was grating on my nerves.  One moment I felt I was going to snap, the next he’s leaving out the door and I feel like holding him and not letting go.

Yesterday’s meals:
Porringer 1- 2 eggs, 2 rashers
Porringer 2- plain whole fat yogurt
Porringer 3- curry: chicken breast, carrot, onion, tikka masala paste, coconut milk, parsley, fresh basil

Yesterday’s drinks:
3 pots of tea
1 glass of wine
4 cups of coffee with 2 tsp. double cream in each

I finished up a knitting project and did some ironing, made a loaf of bread and about keeled over in massive exhaustion.  I had to lay down and sleep for an hour and that didn’t revive me at all and I fell into a very deep sleep.  I hope being out last Saturday night isn’t bringing on another illness.  Here is the town hall and the Christmas tree.

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Santa was there too!

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Here is the back of the town hall from our window on a foggy morning.

We had the local lighting of the town Christmas tree and the fabulous fireworks display over the town hall.  We live right behind the town hall and now realise that we could have just watch from our window or stand outside our door to see them, which we will definitely do next year.  But this time we herded with most of the town’s people to the high street area and it took 45 minutes for the fireworks and tree lighting to start.  We were freezing in the bitter cold and were prevented from returning home as the whole area was blocked to keep anyone from getting hurt with the fireworks fallout.  With heavy coat, gloves and a scarf, I was shivering and my toes and fingers got numb.  It was unpleasant standing and waiting, as this was our first year doing this, we did not know what to expect.  The tree lighting was unimpressive, the fireworks were fabulous, unlike any I had ever seen in America.  Well done!  But perhaps I am getting another cold out of it, otherwise I cannot figure out why I feel so knocked down.

Let’s see, I am on the 13th day away from my last binge.  I should be feeling terrific.  This not feeling good makes me think that something is wrong with something.  Either my body or my food intake needs attention.  I want to keep changes to a minimum so that I can tell what is what with all this I am trying to accomplish.  My intention in November was just to get back into eating full time out of the porringer and away from bingeing.  I am very proud that the only binge I had this month was on my birthday.  Wow, if I make it to Saturday, I will be able to say it was only once in the whole month!  I am a bit excited to wonder if I can do it all of next month too.

So no food changes until next month.  I will weigh in on Saturday, the first of the new month and make the goal for December at that time.  As I am trying to do with my knitting, stay with one thing until completed, I want to do the same with this permanent change over in my eating.  Otherwise I will not really know what is working and what is not.

Let Them Eat Cake

It is afternoon as I am writing today, long past the usual time.  The whole day feels off and I am exhausted from who knows what.

Yesterday’s meals:
Porringer 1- 2 eggs, 2 rashers
Porringer 2- jack maloney sausages, grated carrot
Porringer 3- minced beef, roasted carrot, roasted brussel sprouts, sautéed onion, 2T brown gravy

Yesterday’s drinks:
3 pots of tea
1 glass of wine
4 cups of coffee with 2 tsp. double cream in each

L101154Two really weird things messed with my thinking yesterday.  One, was that husband wanted treats early on in the day.  He asked before leaving if I wanted anything from the bakery.  I said no.  He was in a playful mood and said he might bring something home for me anyways.  I said it wasn’t necessary, I was fine without.  I gave it no more thought until I saw that he had 2 fairly large wrapped packages of bakery items and something else in a bag.  He said it was hard to decide, so he got several cakes.  All day, they sat on the desk hidden in their wrapping and I thought about how I was going to have to deal with the whole thing at evening coffee.  Lots of things went through my head, like going for it, denying it, and if I did eat them, regretting it.  There wasn’t a huge pull towards it, because the second weird thing that happened is that my appetite finally hit zero.  Ketosis has kicked in and I feel it. 

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Our local bakery.

When evening coffee time finally happened, I took a deep breath as I prepared my answer of a polite no and feeling a bit guilty since he obviously bought more than the usual two pieces of cake for himself.  I felt he wanted to have a shared festive evening and while I was trying to make a desperate last minute decision, I saw that he simply pulled the packages closer to his computer, put his headphones on and began to eat.  He wasn’t sharing!  I was practically in shock.  More in shock later, when he opened a bag of candy and ate that and my jaw dropped when he then made cheese and ryvita.  This was right after eating a full dinner.  What shocked me was that all of this would have been a binge for me and I never thought of what my husband eats as a binge.  Did my husband just binge?  My head wasn’t wrapping itself around this situation.  I felt like I had been busted upside the head and asking wha’ happened?

I wasn’t sure what to make of it.  Did I feel slighted and left out of the one person party?  Did I feel relief that I did not have to go through the process of denying myself bakery cakes?  Was I resentful?  Was I wondering why husband was eating more than usual?  A couple of days ago I would have really reacted badly to it all and probably ranted about it.  Yesterday had such a weird aura to it and my appetite was so significantly down that I sort of let it all wash aside.  What’s the big deal?  So he eats and I don’t.  I didn’t end up with a tummy ache later, nor did I fall into the pit of regret.  I continued knitting and let it slide by me.

I DID IT!!!!

Yesterday I made it, three porringers of food completed my eating day.  When we sat down last night to the last meal, I noted that I was about to have the third bowl of food for the day and I was not at all hungry!  I think I finally hit ketosis.  It always feels like a switch is flipped.  I go from wanting to eat everything in sight to loathing food in a blink of an eye.  This is exactly where I prefer being….no appetite.  I actually feel a sense of wellbeing this morning, so I am determined to take a walk today, as soon as it gets light out.  I hate walking in the dark and right now, the sun isn’t coming up until half past 8 or so.  It is only 5 right now.  Sigh.  I am craving to walk, I have been cooped up in the flat too long with the cold and illness.

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So, with one day on plan, ED decided to try and talk me into getting on the scale this morning. One single day eating correctly and he wants to ruin it with a scale number that more likely than not will not show how one day made a change in my body.  He knows that, he wants to prove to me that the valiant effort to stay on plan did not achieve a scale victory and with his logic, means I am a failure.  A million times before, I listened to ED and got on the scale hoping for a drop to register.  A million times it did not.  A million times I got frustrated about it and binged in loathing self pity.  Knowing this pattern so intimately still did not stop ED from trying to lure me once again.  That scale, I reminded myself, cannot possible tell me about true success.  I ate according to the plan yesterday and that alone is the wondrous victory to be celebrated and built upon. 

I did well yesterday, lets see if I can do that again today! 

The scale has no part in this triumph, it is a completely separate thing from eating.  I did not weigh myself today, in fact, as I walked by it, I pushed it further under the armoire with my toe to drown out it’s pleading to be stepped on.  I even smiled at the thought….geez, does the scale have a sick need to be abused?  Pleading to be stepped on? I think my humour is coming back too! 

Wellbeing=good humour and smiles.

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Porringer number 2

Yesterday’s meals:
Porringer 1- 2 eggs, 2 rashers
Porringer 2- 1 cumberland, 2 rashers, 1 scrambled egg, shredded cheddar cheese, carrot, cauliflower, parsley
Porringer 3- 1/2 chicken breast, broccoli, cabbage,  2 cumberland,  2 T brown gravy

Yesterday’s drinks:
3 pots of tea
1 glass of wine
4 coffee with 2 tsp. double cream in each
1/2 small glass of Guinness